This humorous Diablo II Valentine's Day story is the third in a series that began with Thanksgiving and continued with a Christmas sequel, leading up to this Valentine's Day entry.  The series continues and changes radically with the Easter 2003 installment, before concluding with the Halloween 2003 story.

Familiarity with the characters and monsters of Diablo II would help you get the jokes, but you can probably manage even if you don't know what they look like. It's best if you read the T-day and Xmas stories first, since they develop the characters.

he large, well-lit cavern was decorated with red party streamers, red paper hearts and white bows, and there were white and red candles burning on tables and candelabras all around the area. The Amazon and Sorceress stood side by side at a table, poking through a huge box of mixed chocolates, the Amazon with a white chocolate-coated wafer in one hand. Across the room Diablo, Mephisto, and Baal were sharing a bottle of wine, and next to the towering demons, the Summoner and Blood Raven looked like children. The Summoner was staring at the Sorceress as if hypnotized, but every time she would look over her shoulder in his direction, he would duck his head and blush furiously. Blood Raven was in no better shape, as she gazed worshipfully up at the three Prime Evils, trembling if any of the brothers so much as glanced at her. Something they were clearly trying not to do, as they passed the wine bottle back and forth and spoke in low voices.

Next to the Sorceress, the Barbarian was sitting on the floor, an entire box of peanut brittle in his lap, and both fists full of the stuff.  The crunching racket he made as he ate was enough to shake the chandelier overhead, and forced the Druid to raise his voice as he talked to the Assassin.  They were both sitting on a couch, a very nervous Andariel between them, and their conversation was as friendly as the stares between two alley cats over a rotting fish carcass.

Every now and then the Druid would raise one hand as if to place it on Andariel's knee, and when he did the Assassin would hold up her claw and aim it at his hand. Which he would then lower, and go back to making idle chit chat. Andariel was not speaking at all, so the entire conversation was the Druid and the Assassin, but they were only speaking in an effort to entice Andariel, while having no visible success.

The opening door gave a loud bang as it whacked into the cave wall, and in came the Necromancer, stamping the snow off of his boots.

"Brr, it's colder than a witches ti..." he cut off at a furious look from the Sorceress, who adjusted her tight belly-baring top self-consciously.  "Well it's cold out there.  Anyway." he finished lamely, hanging his cloak and gauntlets up on a peg by the door.

The Necromancer's gaze soon fell on the Amazon, and his cold gray eyes moved up and down her figure-hugging golden plate mail while he all but licked his lips. She noticed, pretended not to notice, and hooked her arm through the Paladin's crooked elbow, pulling him over closer so she didn't have to stretch to reach the chocolates. The Paladin didn't appear to have noticed the Necromancer at all, he was so engrossed in looking over a new chrome-plated helm the Barbarian had brought along with him.

"Excellent!" Diablo said loudly.  Now that everyone is here, we can begin.  I regret to inform you all that Duriel was unable to attend, he..."

The Necromancer interrupted him with a loud snort of laughter. "Hah! I knew he was scared!  That fat bastard!"

Diablo raised one eyebrow, as did the Amazon, and the Necromancer hushed up, but kept chuckling under his breath and looked very pleased with himself, as well as rather relieved.

"He couldn't make it," Diablo began again, "but he sent these candy hearts for everyone." As he spoke Diablo walked stiffly past the puppy-eyed Blood Raven and rummaged through a large sack.  The Amazon squinted and winced, for the bag looked uncomfortably like a human skin, peeled off whole and sewn up at the arms, legs, and neck to make a duffel bag shape.

"Ahh, here it is." exclaimed Diablo, lifting up an ornate wooden box. "As I was saying, Duriel couldn't make it, but he sent along this treat.  Candy hearts for everyone!"

"Ooh!" said the Sorceress, perking up.  She swallowed the last bite of her chocolate and gave her finger a lingering lick while the Summoner all but moaned across the room.

Diablo took in the display without comment, and walked over to her first, opening up the lid of the wooden box as he drew near. Inside were seven smaller boxes, black wood worked with silver filigree, each with the name of one of the characters engraved into the lids

"Pretty!" the Sorceress exclaimed, as she reached for the "Sorcy" box. She popped open the lid, the Paladin leaning over her shoulder to see, and they both laughed at the sight.  The small box was entirely full of green candy hearts, all of which said "Die Die Die" on them.

"Duriel is a monster of few words." said the Sorceress with a chuckle.

"For you, Paladin." said Diablo, holding the box open for the holy knight.

The Paladin accepted his box and opened it up so the Sorceress could see.  She laughed as the lid revealed a tin full of blue hearts with "I Hate U" stamped on them.

"Be sure to let him know the feeling is mutual!" the Paladin added with a laugh, but his face was stern and he fingered the grip of his long sword.

The Amazon was next, and she chuckled at her box of dark pink "Burn in Hell" hearts. Grabbing one, she quickly crunched it up. "Ohh!  Cinnamon!"

Diablo turned to his left and held the box out towards the Barbarian. Ugg had managed to wait his turn thus far, and had mostly licked the melted peanut brittle caramel off of his hands, but his face was smeared with it and chocolate, and there were crumbs all down his heavy plate mail. He was trying to be patient and more polite, after his Christmas behavior had earned him a scolding from Anya, but he was fairly vibrating with excitement.

Cruelly prolonging the moment, Diablo held the box back and asked, "So where is Anya?  We've heard so much about her, and your budding romance."

The Barbarian tucked his hands into his arm pits to keep from grabbing at the prezzie box, and said, "She not come.  Said must meet emergency with Nithath... Nilathhhah... Nihilathaa... old man Harrogath elder!"

"Yes, I can never remember his name either..." Ball muttered.

"What?" asked the Barbarian?

"Oh, nothing, nothing.  I'm sure it was very important, and that she'll turn up soon." Baal said, with half a chuckle.  Diablo snickered also, and the humans all traded a suspicious look.

"Oh, here I am holding your prezzie all this time!" Diablo said, sounding half ashamed with himself.  "Here Ugg, just pick yours out."

Across the room Mephisto and Baal laughed evilly, and the Assassin and Amazon hid giggles as Ugg stared into the box with all the concentration of a man facing down a charging horde of demons.

"Ummmm..." said the Barbarian, his chocolate and caramel-stained paws hovering above the four remaining boxes. He lightly poked one, leaving a brown smudge on the finger print on the silver, as if hoping his box would sing out like a calling bird.

"Oh for God's sake!" snarled the Necromancer, as he snatched out the box with "Baba" on the lid and shoved it into the Barbarian's grasping fingers.  Giving Diablo a dirty look, the Necromancer grabbed his own box, and dropped back into the overstuffed armchair he'd been sitting in.  He didn't open his box yet, and instead looked on in disgust as Ugg upended the entire box of yellow "Just Die" hearts over his face.  At least half of them went into his mouth, and he crunched happily, as he mumbled, "Yummy! Nanner flavor!"

The Assassin was next, and she laughed and licked up three light blue, "Die Maggot" hearts, looking up at the aghast Andariel all the while.  The Druid made a grunting noise, and got an evil look from the Assassin for his temerity.

After her came the Druid, and he nodded his head to Diablo as he picked up his box.

"Well?" hissed the Necromancer. "Open it up, furball."

"You know," began the Druid, "I've about had it with your attitude today. Just because you couldn't get the Amazon to take that goddamned ugly wreath of dried Fetish hearts you worked on all month is no reason you have to be so bitchy to everyone.  I told you weeks ago that she wouldn't like it."

With that said, the Druid held up his white "Hate U" candy hearts for all to see.

The Necromancer sputtered and turned red, then turned even redder as he looked over to see the demons laughing behind their claws.  Worst yet was the sight of the Amazon catching his eye and giving a shrug, with a disgusted expression on her face. "It was a nice gesture, Neccy.  But um, rather bloody, for my taste."

The Necromancer scowled, rose halfway to his feet and then sat back down, muttering. 

"You know," Baal began. "There's a cemetery no more than a mile from here.  You could just run over and summon yourself up a girlfriend."

Laughter filled the room at his remark, and not all of it from the monsters.  The Necromancer glared at the laughing monsters, then glared all the more fiercely at the laughing humans.  The Amazon was trying to hold it in, her cheeks puffing out and her eyes bulging as she turned purple, but when the Barbarian held out his box of candy and said, "Have a heart, Ner...cer...oco, you feel better." she let her breath out with a gust and started coughing she was laughing so hard.

The Necromancer stared furiously for a moment, then slapped the box away, knocking it out of the Barbarian's grasp and sending the last few hearts bouncing to the stone floor, where they vanished between the gaps in the flagstones.  Horror came over the Barbarian's face as he dropped to his knees and looked down at the vanished candy, but the Necromancer looked away at once, leaning back into his chair and ripping the lid off his box of hearts.

"These better not be cherry flavor. I hate cherry..." His words faded away as he looked into the box, his anger-reddened face going slack, the color draining from his cheeks.

"Duriel made those special for you." Diablo pointed out helpfully.

The laughter in the room faded out as the Necromancer's eyes widened and he stared into the box of candy hearts like a man seeing his own approaching doom.

"Currrrrrr uhhhh." said the Necromancer in a very small voice, his cheek giving a little twitch.

"What do they say?" asked the Sorceress.  She was perched on a low chair, leaning to her side, allowing her gown to part all the way up the side, baring her left thigh to the waist. Across the room the Summoner tugged at his collar again, took another big gulp of wine, then choked on it when the Sorceress raised her eyes to him, her long lashes fluttering.

The Necromancer did not answer, did not speak, other than to make another long groaning "Brrrr uhhh chhhh." sound.

The mystery of his candy hearts was solved suddenly, when Ugg, finally pulling himself away from the burial ground of his fallen candy hearts, whirled around and smacked the box of hearts out of the Necromancer's hands, sending the small pink pieces of candy flying into the air.  "You spill Ugg candy!"

The Necromancer's mouth dropped open and he stretched his hands out, fingers grasping at empty air as he watched the candy hearts soar up towards the high ceiling.  Higher and higher they flew, for the Barbarian's slap had been a forceful one, until they collided with a chandelier and were sent bouncing off in all directions, raining down like fat, pink snowflakes.  Each of the other characters caught one or more in their hands, and even the demons got a few, all the way across the room.

The Assassin and Druid spoke almost at once, shouting out in laughing voices, "Curse Bitch!"

All the monsters dissolved into laughter, and six of the humans joined them.  Even Ugg, who had been on the verge of pummeling the Necromancer over his lost candy, couldn't help but laugh.  As for the Necromancer, he sank deeper into the chair and put his hands over his face; a picture of abject misery.

Diablo coughed and managed to stop laughing just long enough to warn the Amazon, who had two Curse Bitch hearts in her hand and was about to eat them, "I wouldn't eat those, Amazon. They are bitter, and have a weak, flaccid flavor."

This set off gales of fresh laughter, and a soft moan rose from the Necromancer.

A chiming bell cut through the laughter, and drew everyone's attention to the large dinner table, where Corrupted Rogues in formal attire were carrying out trays of food.

"Ohh, squabs!" said Baal, as he clattered over towards the table.

And squabs there were, dozens of them lined up in long baking pans.  Also a huge sliced ham, baskets of rolls, pots of potatoes and other vegetables, and much more food than even this gathering could possibly eat.

Everyone milled around a bit before picking their seats, and the final seating was a mixture of monster with human.  The Paladin and Amazon were side by side, of course, but next to them the Druid had his chair scooched up right beside Andariel, who was sandwiched on the other side by the Assassin.  She and the Druid traded several long, cool glances before continuing to chatter at Andariel. The Maiden of Anguish herself looked somewhat overwhelmed, towering above both her suitors, her deadly stingers quivering behind her as thought uncertain whether to sting one, the other, or both.

Across the table from them the Sorceress was practically sitting in the Summoner's lap, and prattling away while she buttered a roll for him and scooped several of the tiny roast hens onto his plate. A bottle of wine popped into her hand from several feet away, and she poured two glasses and pressed one into the Summoner's hand, then flipped open a folded linen place mat and tucked it onto the Summoner's lap. The poor man jerked back and spilled wine all down the sleeve of his robe at the touch of her hands below his waist, then settled slowly back into his seat as the Sorceress leaned across his chest, patting the wine-soaked arm dry and pressing herself into him as she did it.

Next to the Summoner Diablo looked on and chuckled, trying to keep himself from looking to the right, where Blood Raven was leaning against his side, her shoulder pressing firmly into his ribs. To the other side of Blood Raven, Baal and Mephisto had wide smiles for their brother's discomfort, their relief at Blood Raven's occupation quite evident.

"Come eat Necro!" the Barbarian shouted, his teeth crunching through whole game hens as if their bones were meant to be edible.

The Necromancer made no reply, remaining stock still in the deeply-cushioned arm chair, his face turned to the side.

"Oh leave the dark one to stew," intoned the Paladin. "He must learn that once a woman has spoken your heart's desire, no man may bend it false!"

The Amazon groaned at this, trading a pained look with the Sorceress.  She liked the Paladin, but he was such a tool at times.  At least he talked though; she hadn't heard the Summoner say two words yet, for all that the Sorceress was practically feeding the man.  And that laugh!  Creepy.

Wanting to keep the Paladin from going off on another monologue, the Amazon raised her voice and pointed her attention towards the end of the table, where the three Prime Evils were matching Ugg in food consumption, though it was a near thing.

"Diablo. Baal. Mephisto... Don't you get lonely, down there, deep in the depths of hell?" asked the Amazon, putting on her best conciliatory voice.

The three Prime Evils jerked at her words, and Mephisto actually froze with a spoon of bean salad halfway to his mouth.  Baal's eyes shifted to the sides, trading a quick glance with each of his brothers.

"Uh, not really." Baal began. "That is, um.  I mean, we... we have our work to keep us busy." he finished, trying to sound confident.

Diablo chimed in, "Yes, work.  We had a civil war in hell, you know.  Belial and Azmodan are power-hungry, and though banished now, they might return at any time. We must train our armies and prepare our defenses!"

"I see." answered the Amazon.  She, like everyone else, had their eyes to Diablo's side, where Blood Raven was crouching on her knees in a chair, not eating a bite.  Just sitting there, almost squatting, and leaning heavily into Diablo's side. The Lord of Terror was trying to ignore her, and eating one handed so he didn't knock her head off with the long spike poking out from his right elbow, but he was clearly discomforted, and the topic of conversation was doing nothing to soothe his nerves.

"Well, war planning is important, I'm sure." said the Amazon.  Diablo looked up with a dreadful expression, his eyes willing her to shut up. "But you can't practice knocking the heads off of dummies and goatmen all day.  What about in the evening?  Don't you need a woman to give a homey touch to your um... cave."

Blood Raven sighed loudly at this, and snuggled tighter into Diablo's ribs, her arms reaching less than halfway around his massive chest. Her right hand played with his belly button, and the huge red demon twitched and coughed and subtly leaned to his left.  Baal and Mephisto still looked nervous, but both had half smiles on their faces.  Smiles of relief.

"God damn you all!" came a shout from across the cave, and the relief on Diablo's face at not having to answer the question was obvious even to the busily-chewing Barbarian, who was no more concerned with the romantic currents flowing around the table than he was with good manners.

Heads swiveled towards the shout, and the assembled humans and demons beheld the Necromancer.  He was standing on the chair he had formerly been slumped in, Bone Armor swirling around him, a Fire Golem at his side.

"You will taunt me no longer!" he shouted.

Indifference reigned.

"What, are you going to fight us all?" asked Mephisto?

"Yeah, hit us with Iron Maiden.  Maybe we'll kill ourselves chewing this pig!" yelled the Druid.  Everyone laughed at that, for the ham was rather tough, forcing even Ugg to chew before swallowing, and the Druid was hacking at a slice with his butter knife as he spoke.

"Bastards!" shrieked the Necromancer, and with a swirling motion, he began casting spells furiously.  Squab after squab detonated in a spray of meat, bones, blood, and succulent gravy, forcing everyone at the table to dive for cover from the splattering shrapnel.  There was a veritable hen graveyard of the picked-clean carcasses on the table, and they exploded one after the other, the bony remains somehow sending out just as much meat and blood as the birds still untouched in the roasting pans.

"I hate this spell." said the Amazon to the Sorceress as they leaned against each other, crouching under the table, napkins held over their hair.

"Maybe you should take off your top again?" suggested the Sorceress.  "It worked at Christmas." But the Amazon just grimaced.

After another minute the explosions ceased, and one by one heads popped up around the table.

"Is he through?" asked Mephisto, brushing bits of bird flesh off of his bony rib cage as he floated back to his full levitating height.

There was no telling, since across the room the Necromancer was still standing on his chair, primed for an attack, his hair on end, his eyes wild.

"I think he needs a hug." said the Assassin, while making no move to deliver it.

"Do stop that and sit down, oh evil mage of corpses and curse bitchery." said Baal, in a bored voice.

"What!?" screamed the Necromancer.

"Damnit Baal, do you have to set him off again?" Diablo muttered.  "Dessert is on the way and I don't want to go back to hell wearing a frickin' custard creme pie."

"Oh he can't blow up a pie, it was never alive to begin with." said the Druid.

The Necromancer chose that moment to shriek again, and launch a volley of teeth.  They whistled across the room and towards the seated monsters and characters.  No one flinched an inch at the display, nor when the Necromancer launched Bone Spears, or even Bone Spirits.

"Not very colorful spells, are they?" Diablo asked the table, while they all watched the monochromatic screaming skulls fly back and forth, around and through them.

"Die die die!" yelled the Necromancer, not seeming to realize his spells were having no effect on anyone.

"Oh how cute, he's quoting your candy heart." The Assassin said to the Sorceress, with a wink.

"Look, Necro buddy." began the Druid. "We're all in a friendly party here.  None of your spells are going to hit anything.  Just sit down.  We're sorry we laughed at the candy hearts." There were nods and murmurs all around the table, and everyone hoped the others looked more sincere than they felt.

"Come sit down." the Amazon said in a seductive voice, patting the chair next to her.  She tightened her grip on the Paladin's arm with her other hand. "There's dessert!"

But the Necromancer was not so easily mollified this time.

"You teasing, lying bitch!  Always leading me on!  You think you can just..."

The Amazon cut him of right there, leaping to her feet and whirling to face him. "Don't you call me a 'bitch' you corpse-molesting son of bitch!"

The Necromancer's eyes widened, and his mouth hung open.

"Yeah, I called you a 'bitch' bitch!" The Amazon continued, screaming.  Across the table the Sorceress had her head in her hands.

Just then a loud thump of an opening door drew everyone's attention to the far side of the room.  Duriel was squeezing his massive frame through the portal, and carrying a huge, red, heart-shaped box with a white ribbon around it.

"Hi everyone!" he called out.  Turning to the Necromancer, his cavernous mouth hooked up in a grin and he held forward the box, "This is for you, sweetie!"

The Necromancer took one look at the box and fell back in a dead faint, his Fire Golem vanishing in a puff of smoke and singed carpet as he crashed to the floor.

Duriel and the others all looked at the unconscious figure for a moment, then almost as one, turned to the table and sized up the pies the Corrupted Rogue waitresses were carrying out on silver platters. Duriel gently set the heart-shaped box down next to the Necromancer, and oozed across to the table eagerly.

"Ooh, double chocolate pecan!" he said.

"Yeah, and this time we can eat without any fat jokes!" said the Assassin.

Duriel stiffened, and slowly turned to look down at the human.  "Who are you calling fat, Butchy?"

Diablo picked up a slice of key lime pie and downed it whole, as the Assassin bristled, and Andariel stiffened up next to her. "Does this ever end?" he muttered.

Yes, I was too lazy to redo them with this background, or they would look like this. And if you don't like it, you can...

Charming, eh?

All site content copyright "Flux" (Eric Bruce), 2002-2007.