This humorous Diablo II Thanksgiving story is followed by a Christmas sequel, another for Valentine's Day, and then a major change to everything in the next installment posted on Easter 2003, before the whole thing winds up in story #5, posted on Halloween 2003.

Familiarity with the characters and monsters would help you get the jokes, in this one, but you can manage even if you don't know what they look like.

Click here or scroll down to see the reader feedback.

long, wide, table stood in the middle of a vast cave, illuminated by flickering torch light and dozens of candles.  Fourteen chairs stood around the table, seven on each side but none at the heads of the table.  There was no one in the cavern as of yet, but voices could be heard echoing down passageways to each side.  From the north came human voices, male and female, and footsteps.  From the south came snarlings and growls, and the clicking of claws on the hard stone ground.

The table awaited them all, so loaded with food the white tablecloth could hardly be seen. Calling it "a feast" did not do the serving justice.  The table was simply buried in food, stacked high with plates and dishes and pots.  There were platters of stuffing, great bowls of mashed potatoes, urns of cranberry sauce, tubs of sweet potatoes, platters of fresh baked bread, and several troughs of vegetable casseroles. Crowding them for space on the table were huge bowls full of salad, half a dozen candelabras, plates and mugs and bowls and silverware, napkins, and even decorations, small colorful gourds and twists of dried corn in every color of the season.

The voices grew louder, as did the snarling, and after another moment humans entered the room from the north, just as a pack of demons entered from the south.  Both groups grew silent, and after eyeing each other for a moment they approached the table, walking cautiously.

The humans numbered seven, and they were all well armed and armored, though no weapons were drawn at the sight of their traditional enemies.  The Paladin and Barbarian led the way, followed closely by an Amazon, Sorceress, Assassin, and Druid.  The Necromancer brought up the rear, his beady eyes gleaming from beneath his bone helm as he eyed the curvaceous backside of the Amazon walking before him.

The demons numbered six, and they approached the table less silently, stomping, slithering, and shambling at a steady pace. Diablo took heavy strides while his brother Baal scuttled along next to him.  They were followed closely by the limping Pindleskin, his long two-handed sword dragged along behind him like a dead puppy.  Stomping next to him came Andariel, her nipple chains clinking softly as her hoofed feet clopped towards the feast. Fangskin the serpent demon slithered silently, and last of all came Mephisto, floating along in a cloud of mist.

At the table the thirteen met, staring at each other over the steaming feast.  The Barbarian was the first to speak.

"Ugg greet monsters!  Merry Thanksgiving Day!"

His words broke the silence, and there were murmurs of "Hello." and "Nice to see you." as everyone sat down.  The large wooden chair creaked beneath Diablo's great weight, and everyone flinched at the metallic clatter when Pindleskin dropped his sword next to the table.  Baal eyed his chair for a minute, then looked down at his crab legs and kicked the chair aside.  Squatting down, he was easily tall enough to reach the table even while sitting on the floor.  Andariel flipped her chair around and sat down straddling it, and Fangskin tried to coil his tail on his chair twice before giving up and hurling the seat away.  He settled himself in a neat coil, like a cobra in a basket, and his elbows resting on the table.

"Where is your seventh?" The Amazon inquired, her voice cool.  The Necromancer was seated immediately to her right, trying to look like he was studying the table while actually staring down her cleavage.

"Duriel could not make it." Baal hissed, laughter in his voice.  "He's grown too fat to leave the pit in the tomb."

Mephisto laughed, a deep echoing rumble that set all the human heroes on edge.

"We threw him a few town guards," Baal continued, "and he seemed happy enough." All of the demons laughed at this, and the humans smiled politely.  Or tried to at least.

"And what of Tyrael?" asked Andariel, her hissing voice threatening to shatter the crystal goblets.  "Was he not to be here as well?"

"He begged off." the Paladin replied.  "Something about not wanting to eat anything with wings and feathers."

"His loss." croaked Pindleskin, the eyeless sockets in his skull somehow seeming to gleam with hunger as he looked to the left.  Everyone turned to follow his gaze, and a chorus of eager sighs rose as a Blunderbore emerged from a side tunnel, bearing a turkey before him on a great platter.

"I hope it's not wrapped in chains." The Sorceress muttered into the Druid's fur-tufted ear.

The turkey was not, and the Blunderbore set it down in the middle of the table, then turned and stomped back into the tunnel.  Steam rose from the giant bird, and picking up the long carving knife, Diablo asked, "Who wants white meat?"

"Allow me." spoke the Paladin, and leaping to his feet, he snatched the knife away from Diablo.  The demons recoiled in alarm as the Paladin's arm became a blur of Zeal, striking the Turkey faster than the eye could follow.  Just seconds later he dropped the knife and sat back down, wiping the splatters of grease off of his hand.

"Well," said Diablo, eyeing the perfectly sliced turkey.  "I guess that skill does come in handy at times."

The Lord of Terror leaned over and stabbed several slices, lifting them with the fork and carving knife.  Plates were passed and loaded with turkey, and the meal began.  The Barbarian ate hugely, stuffing slices of turkey and globs of stuffing into his mouth with his bare hands. Next to him the Sorceress looked horrified as she took small, neat bites, occasionally pausing to emit a flame or puff of frost from one finger, as she heated or cooled a bit of turkey to the perfect temperature. A large dish of green bean casserole sat just in front of the Barbarian, and rather than ask him to pass it, she gave a short "Hah!" and as her hair swirled the dish vanished, appearing in her hands an instant later.

Across the table, Pindleskin was on his second plate, though the entire first plate was piled in his chair and scattered on the floor before him.  As the Assassin watched, he took a large bite, the food falling straight through his empty rib cage and joining the rest on his lap. Turning her eyes from Pindleskin to Fang Skin, she watched in envy as the serpent demon stabbed a baked yam on one of his long claws.  Making eye contact with the reptile, she raised her own claws and quickly skewered half a dozen black olives, then picked them from her blades with her teeth while eyeing the viper intently.  Fang Skin hissed and stabbed at the mound of stuffing on his plate, doing nothing but pushing the food around in anger.

Mephisto didn't seem to have much of an appetite, and had no better luck actually eating than Pindleskin did.  Food stayed in his mouth, but his lack of internal organs meant that it just dropped out a moment later, falling to the floor or sticking to his exposed spinal cord. Every now and then a puff of the vapor that swirled beneath him would steam up from beneath the table, smelling faintly of swamp gas.

As Mephisto picked at his plate he looked at the Amazon, eyeing her helm and breastplate.  "That armor looks familiar, Amazon."

"It should," the blonde heroine replied with a smirk. "You dropped it for me not two weeks ago."  Mephisto's scowl deepened as the Amazon added, "As well as my lovely amulet." leaning forward and turning her chest side to side to display the jewelry around her neck.

To her right came a crash as the Necromancer's head smacked into his plate, splattering mashed potatoes and gravy.  He sheepishly sat back up, taking off his bone helm to wipe it off.  He had been resting his chin on one palm and staring sideways at the Amazon, and her chest-thrusting display for Mephisto had surprised him enough that he'd pulled back, sliding his elbow right off the edge of the table and falling forwards.

The Amazon turned to the lord of the dead and said quietly, "You are not sitting next to me at Christmas."

The meal went quickly, and soon there was nothing left of the turkey but bones.  Diablo reached forth and pried the wishbone out, then held it up, extending his arm across the table "Who would like to pull with me?" he asked.

The Paladin stood up and reached forward, but was interrupted by the Barbarian.  He knocked his chair over backwards and leaped onto to the table, standing before the picked-over turkey.  "Ugg Hork!" he shouted, before making a loud grunting noise and reaching down.  A splash of blood washed across the table, and with a triumphant shout, the Barbarian stood up with a second wishbone in hand.  He leaped back down and sat on his fallen chair, beaming at the chunk of bone and gristle pinched between his thumb and forefinger, oblivious to the blood that was now dripping off the table.

The Paladin shook his head, and reached forward again, taking hold of the wishbone that Diablo clenched.  They strained for a moment before there was a sharp crack, and Diablo sat down heavily, his spikes piercing the back of his chair as he looked at the short end of bone he held.

"Ha!" shouted the Paladin, as the rest of the humans clapped and whistled.

"Make your wish, Holy Knight." Mephisto hissed.

"I wish... I wish for a mighty Windforce Bow!" he said.  The Amazon sat up straight.  "I want it for a gift," continued the Paladin.  "A gift for a special woman, for an Amazon who has stolen my heart." He turned to look at the Amazon, and she smiled while blushing brightly. Andariel looked green with envy. Well, greener.

"I know who has a Windforce." the Necromancer said, in his sly voice.

Conversation came to an end, and all eyes turned to the figure in bone armor.

"One of these demons has one.  I can sense it." the Necromancer intoned. The Paladin paused a moment, then turned from the Necromancer to gaze across the table.  His piercing gaze took in each of the demons in turn.

"Don't look at me," Mephisto said.  "You know I can't carry one of those things."

Diablo glared back at the Paladin, clenching his fist defiantly, furious that he couldn't either. The Paladin looked at Fang Skin for but an instant before letting his eyes drift speculatively over Baal, and from him to Pindleskin.  The skeleton was oblivious to the entire exchange, and still eating, though food was piled up in his chair nearly to his fourth rib.

"There will be no killing at this table," Baal said, though he looked nervous and his words lacked strength.

At last Pindleskin became aware of the tension in the room and he paused, a spoon still clenched in one bony fist. A glob of cranberry sauce dangled from his upper palette as he looked across the table, his vertebra grinding as he turned his head from side to side.

"There will be no killing at this table!" Baal repeated, rising to his feet... things. The crab-like legs clicked against each other as he took a step to the left, towards Pindleskin.

"Hai!" the Necromancer shouted, and as he gestured a swirl of red light appeared.  An instant later the turkey burst, chunks of gristle and picked over meat flying into the air as the carcass blackened with decay.  The revived poultry turned in a circle, then fixed upon Pindleskin and leaped at him, one gnawed drumstick flipping back and forth in mid air.

A glowing orange aura appeared beneath the savage entree, and it crashed into Pindleskin, knocking him over backwards as it flapped at the surprised skeleton.  All chaos broke forth from that point.

The Assassin and Fang Skin faced off, claws slashing at claws, sparks flying.  Baal leaped backwards and started cursing, Decrepify appearing over the heads of the heroes, while Baal seemed inexplicably unwilling to fight now, when he had so many minions around.  The Necromancer returned the favor and the Paladin switched from Fanaticism to Holy Freeze, instantly turning all of the demons blue. Diablo battled the Barbarian, and Mephisto fended off the Amazon's hail of arrows.

The Druid flashed into werewolf form and leaped towards Andariel, but stopped short.  Stretching his head to the left, he kicked at his neck with his left hind leg, his head twitching and collar jangling as he furiously scratched his neck.

Just as the fights were growing serious, two Blunderbores emerged from the side tunnel, both carrying trays loaded with pies.  The scent of fresh-baked apple, pumpkin, pecan, and lemon-creme pie wafted through the air, and all combat ceased as the heroes and demons sniffed and peered at the dessert platter.

With much clearing of throats and shrugging of shoulders, everyone returned to their places, pushing aside platters and stacking broken plates to make room for the pies.  The revived turkey leaped and snarled for a moment more before the Necromancer Unsummoned it, coughing nervously as he returned the bones to their inert state.

With the pie came coffee and tea, and once everyone had a few slices in them there was much groaning and leaning back in chairs.  The Paladin eyed Pindleskin for a moment, then popped his belt another notch and sighed deeply, dropping his fork beside the crust of his fourth slice of pumpkin pie.

The Barbarian was the only one still eating, and he seemed insatiable, downing an entire pumpkin pie by himself and finishing off the last half of a pecan and an apple pie. "Wafer-thin mint?" asked Baal, with a sly smile.

At last even the Barbarian was full, and everyone gathered their weapons and parted with smiles and waves. Diablo called out, "See you all for Christmas dinner!" and led the demons back down the tunnel to the south as the humans left the room to the north.

Feedback

There were 71 emails from readers of the story, almost all of them very complimentary, so thanks to everyone who emailed.

Many people asked if I'd be doing a Christmas version of this story, so I'll just answer that at the top.  I hadn't planned on it; I wrote this one in about two hours the morning of the 28th, after the idea occurred to me.  I had been planning on posting chapter two of my D2 Necro Novel on T-day, but didn't get it finished in time.  There wasn't any Thanksgiving tie in from it anyway.  However what will be Chapter Four does take place during a winter holiday, in the land of Sanctuary, and is something like Xmas.  So I'm hoping to get enough time to work on it and get it written up to that point to post that on Xmas here.

I may do a repeat or sequel to this T-day story as well, but I'll have to think about it.  It's nice that people want more of this, but I don't know how good a repeat would be.  Most of the stuff in this would be funny once, and repetitious a second time.  But perhaps if I come up with some original/different ideas for it, it might happen.

This T-day story is entirely frivolous and humorous, and has no connection to anything else I've written set in the D2 world. As you could probably tell by reading it.  Obviously there's no logical reason or historical precedent for all the characters and monsters to have a Thanksgiving holiday in the game world.  Nor a Christmas, for that matter.  But for this story, anything can happen for the sake of comedic convenience.  And may again in late December. 

A few reader mails.

Guneman and Joe each pointed out that the Turkey's corpse was used twice, first Horked and then Revived.  Which is a valid point, since that's not allowed in the actual game.  Not that there are T-day turkeys or baked foul around anyway, primarily since Succubi won't fit into ovens and blood hawks are too small and taste gamey.

Nathan, who even mailed from a .ca address:

Thanksgiving is in Canada too dude, its not just American

Which I knew, but since the Canadian T-day is weeks earlier than the US one, I didn't think to mention it.  I modified the page intro though, after a few such emails.

A representative mail from SickPuppies.

OMG!

What a tale. it had me giggling in stunned disbelief at times (nec's crush on ama, and animated turkey skeleton), roaring in guffaws of amusement (baal rising to his foot... things, meph denying that he could have a WF)

Great story, flux, great story.

Would love to read the X-mas one, are you going to do one?

The Mephisto Windforce line seemed to be the consensus favorite. I don't have a personal favorite line, but that one makes me chuckle.

Loved it. My favorite line is:

"Don't look at me," Mephisto said. "You know I can't carry one of those things."

I'm looking forward the Christmas Feast story.

CPT Charles St.Clair

Everyone loves bad humor. 

Great story. It got my parents who don’t have a clue about the game laughing.

-Harrison

I had wondered if people who didn't know the game/characters/monsters and wouldn't get the inside jokes would find it amusing, but several people said their family or girlfriend or other innocents were amused as well.  So bonus cookie for me.

Several people made this point.  Here's a quote from Auerlio.

That was very nice of you to make up a story like that. Gives me a little break from those slashing and bashing and encantations.

Will you do a Christmas Story as well? I do hope so. It gives a i different perspective of the world of the Sanctuary.

One point though, I believe i read it somewhere, there were seven evils in the world of The Sanctuary. Three Prime Evils (Mephisto, Diablo and Baal) and Four Lesser Evils (Duriel, Andariel and the other two i forgot). Isn't it proper to have them represent the evil world instead? Oh! well, it's your story anyway.

Hope to hear another story from you!

The point being seven chairs = seven evils.  There are the three prime evils, Diablo, Mephisto, and Baal, and then four lesser evils, Duriel, Andariel, Belial, and Azmodan, in the Diablo mythology. I thought of that initially, as a counterbalance to the seven characters, but since Belial and Azmodan have never made an appearance in any of the games or cinematics, I didn't have anything to base jokes about them off of. Unlike Pindleskin and Fangskin.

You are quite possibly the most evil human on earth... GOOD JOB! It's nice to know there's still a little cynical darkness left.

--Syngedragon

I have no idea what this means, especially in regards to what's possibly the first happy ending I've ever put into a D2 story, but I like it.

i think you like the Amazons boobs to much...

--ProPhecyofme217

He may have a point, though I wasn't writing it with the Necromancer as my alter ego.

Dear Flux,

As I was reading the Thanksgiving Story, I was rather confused at the events that happened as follows:

The Paladin stood up and reached forward, but was interrupted by the Barbarian. He knocked his chair over backwards and leaped onto to the table, standing before the picked-over turkey. "Ugg Hork!" he shouted, before making a loud grunting noise and reaching down. A splash of blood washed across the table, and with a triumphant shout, the Barbarian stood up with a second wishbone in hand. He leaped back down and lifted up his chair, beaming at the chunk of bone and gristle pinched between his thumb and forefinger, oblivious to the blood that was now dripping off the table, causing the other humans to back up.

The wording has me a bit confused. It could be my lack of intellect, or maybe a minor mistake of wording...
...could you be so kind as to explain what happened?
--Nick

A couple of other people asked about this.  Apparently there are still some who don't call "Find Item", "Hork".  Poor damned souls.  The joke, such as it is, is based on the way the Barbarian can find more items or gold from monsters that have already been used up.  Hence two wishbones from a Turkey.  I was originally going to have him do it with a drumstick, but the rough ideas for a story often change during the actual writing process.

Just a little something: Your story was great! I loved it! Here's your piece of pecan... <)

If only I could write stories that good. Oh well, I'm more of a poet than a story writer. If not for the fact that the majority of the world wouldn't appreciate the humor in it (given that they haven't played DII), I'd say "publish it, foo'!"

I laughed my ass off. At 2 AM. While chugging a pepsi. And getting pk'ed. ;)

Whew! I haven't laughed that much since John Candy kissed Steve Martin in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"... And that was, what, 1987? *Wheeze*

Keep it up.

--Porter 

An odd comparison, but I'll take it.

Of course there were a few less loving mails as well.  Well actually just this one.  At least he's articulate.

I took the time to read your work, so I might as well review it.

Comedy is a matter of taste. Alls I can give you is my opinion. You know that. Ok. It was alright. But to tell you the truth, you only got one audible chuckle out of me.

The story is comparable to the 'Mad Tea Party' in that there is dialogue over a table. However, in your story there are two opposing sides.

It's clever in some areas and others not. Barbarians are not cave people. It's probably just for the sake of humor, but I needed to say something.

If you ask me, you could have used a few adjectives to make the story a little richer, and also compacted it to like two paragraphs shorter. I have a short attention span.

- Zarancids

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