This humorous Diablo II Easter story is the fourth in a holiday humor series that began Thanksgiving 2002, continued on Christmas 2002, and then on Valentine's Day 2003. You don't need to have read the others to understand this one, but it wouldn't hurt.

aster Sunday dawned bright and clear, and Diablo and Baal stood side by side, looking out over the rolling fields. Dew glistened in the long green grass, and a light mist was already clearing as the sun climbed into the eastern sky.

"All is ready?" asked Baal, his eyes on the distant hills.

"Yes." replied Diablo, a laugh in his voice. "The plan is perfect, our minions are in place.  Nothing can go wrong."

Baal considered for a moment. "Keep Duriel and the Necromancer apart.  The last thing we need is corpse boy stirring up the worm.  We can't trust Duriel to keep his mouth shut when he's angry."

"Which means we can never trust him to keep his mouth shut at all." Diablo chuckled.

Baal was in no mood for joking. "Just keep them apart.  Duriel will get plenty of chances for vengeance, so long as he's patient."

"Of course, brother." Diablo said. "Duriel isn't stupid.  Just excitable.  I'll keep him... distracted."

Baal nodded, looking out over the fields where the eggs had been so carefully hidden.  Eggs and other things. Diablo was right; the plan was perfect.  Nothing could go wrong.  Baal chuckled, eager for the day to begin, and his chuckle soon grew into high piercing laughter that echoed out over the fields as the Easter sun rose higher into the sky.

Diablo, standing behind his brother, grimaced and thought, "Does he always have to laugh like that?"

Eight hours later, seven very full humans sat back in their chairs, looking over the remains of a truly gluttonous feast.

"If anyone mentions a 'wafer thin mint' I am going to scream." muttered the Druid, leaning back and rubbing his bulging belly.

"Why don't you transform into a bear?  Afraid you'd have to hibernate?"

The Sorceress and Amazon giggled behind their hands at the Assassin's remark.  Giggled, but not very loudly, for they were stuffed too.  The Druid just gave a tiny growl that turned into a belch, hair bristling on his face for a moment as he partially transformed, before coming back fully to human.

Across the table the Paladin had been forced to loosen the straps on his armor a bit, and even the emaciated Necromancer was looking gorged.  He had gathered the ham and turkey bones and was arranging them in little piles, using his powers just enough to make them twitch and stick together.

"Dessert?" inquired Diablo, walking over to the table with a huge platter of pies.

"Ugh." said the Amazon.

"Borf." said the Paladin.

"Hulp." said the Druid.

"Oof." said the Assassin.

"Feh." said the Necromancer.

"Ohhh." said the Sorceress.

"Gimme itam plz thx!" shouted the Barbarian, his floppy ears wagging back and forth as he nodded his head in a frenzy of excitement.

Diablo winced, and winced again as Ugg swept a corner of the table clear, sending crockery and glasses flying to the grass. As the tall demon bent to set the silver platter of pies in the space Ugg had cleared, he was forced to snatch his right hand back as Ugg grabbed for the pies.  The Barbarian seized a custard cream pie with one, a chocolate mousse with the other, and greedily piled them on top of his already-overflowing section of the table.

"He's so helpful!" a hissing voice said, and heads turned to see Andariel walking towards the table, several boxes of chocolate on her silver platter.  "Chocolate, Ugg?"

The Barbarian turned to see what Andariel had, his eyes bulging at the sight of boxes and boxes of chocolates.  He furiously started shoving pie into his mouth, a piece of each kind in one hand, and while still chewing grabbed a full box of chocolates, hugging them to his chest, a sight made all the more ridiculous by the giant bunny suit he was wearing.

"Where in the hell did he get that suit?" the Necromancer asked, and not for the first time. The Barbarian had shown up that morning in a fuzzy, pink, full body bunny suit, and would not hear a word about taking it off. The fact that he was wearing heavy metal greaves over the bunny feet only added to the absurdity.

"Hey!" said Diablo, "Don't try to blame that outfit on hell. We may burn for all eternity, but we do have some standards."

"And six foot pink bunny suits fall well beneath them." Andariel finished, setting the chocolate platter on a serving table to the side of the main one.

Ugg was oblivious to the entire exchange, busy gobbling down chocolates. He had consumed as much as any three other characters during the lunch, and seemed just as hungry now as he had been two hours ago.  Chocolates vanished into his mouth, along with the paper cups they sat in, as often as not, his bunny paws slowing him not at all as he shoveled it in.

"So tell me again why you demons aren't joining us in the banquet?" the Sorceress asked, tearing her eyes away from the spectacle that Ugg was making of himself.

Diablo cleared his throat, and spoke softly. "As Baal told you earlier, we have a special feast planned for this evening, and don't want to spoil our appetites."

"What kind of special feast?" the Paladin asked. "Is it some sort of religious thing?"

"Yeah," broke in the Assassin, "and are we all invited?"

Diablo and Andariel laughed together. "Of course you're invited," the Maiden of Anguish said, "we couldn't have the feast without you!"

"It wouldn't be polite." Diablo added quickly, throwing Andariel a sideways look. "You are our guests.  Just as we dined together last Thanksgiving and Christmas and Valentine's Day, we will eat together this fine Easter Eve."

"Well, should we save some room for later?  I mean we're all so stuffed, I don't know how hungry we'll be for dinner." the Paladin pointed out.

"Oh no, eat up!" Diablo answered. "The dinner feast is a special dish that you are welcome to try, but it's a demon specialty and not one that you humans are likely to enjoy."

Andariel gave a little laugh at this, and stalked away, back towards the cave entrance to the west.  Diablo retreated as well, and with all the demons gone, the humans engaged in small talk, trying to ignore Ugg's continuing gluttony.

The Necromancer was as silent as Ugg, nibbling on a bit of chocolate-covered pecan and watching his bone sculptures crawl around his end of the table.  The Paladin and Druid tried to involve him in the conversation a few times, but soon gave up when he ignored them or greeted their comments with grunts or blank stares.

The Druid was to the Necromancer's right, and to his right was the Assassin, then the Amazon, and then the Sorceress at the other end of the table. She was scooted over to the corner, next to the Amazon, leaving Ugg as much room as possible. It was the best way to keep her food on her plate, and stay out of the way of Ugg's messy eating.  To Ugg's right sat the Paladin, and he was pulled over to the right, talking to the Druid.

The big gossip of the day was the end of the Amazon and Paladin's romance, and the Assassin and Sorceress had not left the disconsolate blonde's sides all day, old quibbles forgotten with the chance to gossip and dish about a man. The Amazon was finally opening up now, speaking low as the two other women leaned in to hear her.

"I knew we had problems all along, but he always looked so gallant, in the armor.  And the body? Whoof!"

"Not all suit no zoot?" the Sorceress asked, a bit of envy in her voice.

"No! Well... let me just say that he really does have a magical scepter."

The Assassin and Sorceress giggled at this.

"I like that he looks so good, and our time together was good too.  But he started to pay less and less attention to me!" The Sorceress nodded understandingly as the Amazon paused for breath. "See he liked to look good, but he was too concerned with it.  He'd work all day sharpening his sword, and he didn't notice when I had some new armor, or changed my hair, or anything."

The Assassin glanced at the Amazon's tight ponytail, which had never looked any different as long as she could remember.

"After Valentine's Day, we went on a vacation to Tristram." The Sorceress frowned and the Amazon went on quickly when she saw the spell-caster's reaction. "Oh no, it's very nice there now, with all the monsters gone.  Though they are having some trouble putting out those fires.  And you should see the Wirt statue!  It looks so life like, you'd almost think they'd actually stuffed the little guy."

She paused for a breath, then continued, "We got this lovely little cottage, right on the river, and I had some new black silk lingerie."

The Assassin gave a little growl at this, but the Amazon paid it no mind.

"And I changed into that, and let my hair down, but was he interested?  No!  He's out all day playing with Pindleskin, and he comes in after dark with this filthy, bloody helm, all excited about it.  As if he doesn't have like 50 hats already.  All coordinated to match whatever boots and gloves he wears that day.  So vain.

"Anyway, he's cleaning the helm, doesn't even see me, and I try to get his attention, but it's like he's lagging out or something.  Not paying me any attention."

"So did he get a clue?" the Sorceress asked.

"No!  I went to bed at last and cried myself to sleep, and he just stayed up all night, polishing his helmet!"

The Sorceress gave a little cough at this, but the Amazon continued blithely. "The next day he's too tired to go out and tour the monastery or the ancient graveyard, but he finds the time to go jogging, in full plate mail.  And then that night he's so tired that he goes right to bed!"

The Sorceress made a concerned little clucking sound, while the Assassin appeared to still be hung up on the image of the Amazon in black silk lingerie.

"Well, that was the beginning of the end, and once we were back home he never seemed to have time for me.  He just wanted to work out all the time with the other Paladins down at the gym, and show off his new helmet and armor, and play with the other guy's swords, and let them play with his weapon."

The Sorceress coughed again, clearing her throat.

Across the table Ugg had at last ceased his assault on the desserts, and was leaning back, his dirty pink paws resting on his much-splattered chest.  There was even chocolate on the tips of his bunny ears. To his right the Druid and Paladin were chatting about weapons and battle tactics, while the Necromancer remained silent and brooding, throwing glances down the table at the chattering Amazon every now and then.

Just at that moment the Druid looked over at him and muttered to the Paladin, "Well, at least Duriel hasn't shown up today.  All we need is Curse Boy here picking another fight with the worm."

If the Necromancer heard he gave no sign, just threw another glance at the Amazon and sighed to himself.

The characters continued talking amongst themselves while they nibbled on bits of various delicacies for half an hour.  Just as several of them were beginning to wonder where all of the demons had gotten off to, Diablo came marching across the green grass and ducked under the edge of the pavilion.  All eyes turned to him as he held forth a fistful of woven baskets, and asked in his booming voice, "Who's up for an Easter Egg hunt?"

The Barbarian leaped up and whirled around, knocking his chair over in his eagerness.  The Amazon wondered how on earth the fluffy white tail could still be so white, but had no chance to point it out to anyone else before the Barbarian exclaimed eagerly, "Ugg find egg!"

Diablo handed him a basket and said, "Wait a moment Ugg, for it to be a fair contest everyone must start looking at the same time." The demon then cast his gaze over the other characters at the table, and frowned at their obvious lack of enthusiasm.

"Come now, Baal and I were out here all night hiding golden eggs all over these grassy fields.  There are over one-hundred of them, and we have a special prize for the character who finds the most!"

"What's the prize?" the Necromancer growled.

"One unique or set item of your choice.  Anything.  Unidentified, of course." was Diablo's speedy answer.

At this the Necromancer's eyes gleamed, but the Paladin was up first.  He grasped a basket, saluted with his fist over his heart, and intoned, "I shall gather your eggs, and with them claim the legendary Griswold's Valor, thus completing the set I am destined to possess!"

Across the table the Amazon sighed loudly.  "Oh, just what you need.  Another helmet to polish."  The Sorceress coughed again as the Amazon sighed and got to her feet. "Well?! Give me a goddamned basket already.  There's no way I'm letting him get all the eggs."

The Assassin and Sorceress were up quickly, reaching for their own baskets, and the Druid took one as well.  The Necromancer was the last one up, and he took the last basket from Diablo without a word.

"Excellent!" Diablo announced. "As I said, there are just over one-hundred golden eggs, hidden across these grassy plains between here and the cliffs to the south." He pointed in that direction, and the humans turned to peer at the sheer rocky cliffs that ringed the grassy valley, a couple of miles from the large tent they were sitting under.

"You may all use any skills or spells you wish to aid you, but no weapons, and no fighting each other, of course.  You have two hours, and the eggs are there, but some are well-hidden amidst the rocks and tree roots, so you'll need to look closely.  Good luck!"

At his words the seven characters dashed off to the south, spreading out as soon as they reached the edge of the large tented pavilion the lunch table had been set up beneath.  Despite their hurry all six of the characters came to an abrupt halt at the sight of Ugg out in front, leaping along with his hind legs together and his front paws tucked up to his chest, the basket bouncing along, the strap around his neck.  He landed with a thud and leapt again, clearing a small tree and low rocky wall.

"Ugg find shiny!" he shouted, snatching up a large golden object and stashing it in his basket.  An instant later he was off again, hopping along like the world's largest and ugliest rabbit.

"Dear god." the Druid said, turning to the Paladin.  And finding only empty space, as the silver-clad knight turned on his Vigor and shot off to the southeast, vanishing over a low hill in just seconds.  The Druid quickly shifted to wolf form and raced off after the Paladin, his head turning as he scanned the ground around him and headed towards a copse of trees.

The three female characters were together and heading southwest, until they found the first egg, tucked beneath a large fallen leaf.

"You can have it, Amazon." said the Sorceress.  I'm sorry about the Paladin being such a stupid man.  And I'm also sorry to say it, but I'm going to win this egg hunt."  With that she teleported off to the south, covering several hundred yards in less than a second, pausing only to snatch up four eggs on her way with Telekinesis. Another second and she vanished over a low hill, taking an instant to snap up another egg from behind a tree over fifty feet away, and send a covey of quails scattering into the air.

The Amazon and Assassin watched her vanish, and turned to look at each other.  "Shit." said the Assassin, and they laughed quietly, knowing there was no way they could compare with teleport and telekinesis for egg gathering.

To their left the Necromancer was just running into a small grove of trees, several hundred yards away, making good time on foot, a Blood Golem striding along next to him, the Necromancer's basket held in one gory hand.

"Is there even any point in us running out there, with them all so far ahead?" asked the Amazon.

"Why, no..." said the Assassin.  "In fact, I think it would be much nicer to just sit here, alone.  You know, I could give you a nice massage. You need to relax and try to get over that stupid Paladin's behavior.  Find something to occupy you and take your mind off of him."

"Oh?" said the Amazon, in a sultry voice. "And whatever did you have in mind, dear?"

The Assassin coughed and cleared her throat, her eyes flashing, but before she could speak they were interrupted by a deep growling voice from behind them.

"We're supposed to get you one at a time once you're alone and looking for eggs.  But I always say, why wait?"

The Amazon and Assassin turned around and looked up, and up, and up some more, into Duriel's huge, grinning face.  It was the last thing they saw for some time, for he brought his massive claws down at them, smashing them together, their foreheads knocking like two coconuts.

Leaving the two unconscious women where they fell, Duriel laughed and set off rapidly towards the grove of trees the Necromancer had run into a moment before, his grin wider than ever.

Deep in that shadowy grove the Necromancer was sitting on a fallen tree, resting his chin in the palm of one hand.  His golem was off to the left, standing motionless between several trees, slowly dripping blood and smelling coppery.  The Necromancer had a line of sight out of the thicket, and he could see the Paladin running around in the distance, his silver plate mail gleaming in the bright sunlight.  The armored knight dashed from tree to tree, rock to rock, pausing at each just long enough to check for an egg, and found them pretty often, judging by how often he knelt down and picked something up.  What an idiot.

The Necromancer thought gathering up the eggs was stupid, and he'd always thought the Paladin was a fool, but recent events had proven it beyond any doubt.  Why the Amazon had chosen the knight was obvious; she was a stupid blonde, and the Paladin looked good in a suit of armor. You couldn't expect a woman, especially a blonde, to make a decision on a man based on more than how he looked in uniform. Did women want intelligent, sensitive, funny men?  They said they did, and then when they met one they ignored him and threw themselves at some brainless idiot with broad shoulders. And after a month when they realized he was dumb as a box or rocks they dropped him, complained how they never met any smart guys, and jumped on the next stupid hunk to wander along. It wouldn't surprise him if the Amazon went home with Ugg, bunny suit or not.

The Necromancer knew he was pouting, and told himself not to worry about it, but it still hurt.  What had he expected.  Why let it upset him? She was just a dumb blonde, gossipy and chattery. He didn't want her anyway, he told himself, knowing it was a lie.

This morning, when he'd heard of their break up, he had sought out the Amazon, just wanting to offer his condolences, and wish her good luck.  Just as a friend, he had no intention of trying to pick her up on the rebound.  But did he even get to say that?  He'd walked up, daring the stares of the Sorceress and Assassin, but before he could even open his mouth the Amazon had looked up at him and all but shouted, "Get away from me!  You think I'm single and you get dibs? Pig!"

He'd tried to explain, but she turned away and left the Assassin and Sorceress glaring at him.  When lightning began to crackle in the Sorceress' hair and the Assassin flexed her arms and claws extended from her gauntlets, he'd backed off and walked away.  The Paladin had seen it all and gave him a nasty look, the Druid was standing next to Treehead and they both smirked at him, and even Diablo, Mephisto, and Baal had been hiding smiles when he walked past them, under the big tent, hours before lunch.

Why did he even try?  Why did he even join with the other humans?  They didn't like him any better than the demons did.  They had all laughed when Duriel cold cocked him at Christmas.  Screw them all.  What did they say to him? "Curse this, curse that." Never a word of thanks.

Lost in his thoughts, the Necromancer didn't notice the crunching noises behind him until the crash of a falling tree right behind him startled him out of his reverie.  He turned around, expecting to see the damn bunny-suited Barbarian hopping around for eggs.

It wasn't the Barbarian.

"Hey, little bitch!  What are you doing here all by yourself?"

Duriel loomed over him, leaning against a creaking tree, two others lying on the ground in front of his massive bulk, clearly knocked over as he forced his way into the densely-forested thicket.

"What the hell do you want, worm?" the Necromancer answered, angry and annoyed.  Duriel had taken a few shots at him in the past, but he wouldn't try anything today, on one of the holiday feast days.  The demons had sworn to a truce, and aside from some pushing and shoving, they'd kept to it.  And anyway, if Duriel attacked him, the other humans would take it personally.

"What do I want?" Duriel mocked him, growling in his impossibly low voice. "Why I want you dead, bitch. That's all."

The Necromancer scowled, trying to stay calm.  They only called him a "Curse Bitch" since he let it bother him.  If he laughed it off, they would give it up.

"Go bake me a pie, fat boy I'm looking for Easter Eggs, not worms."

Duriel growled again, and without another word he surged forwards, throwing his enormous bulk at the Necromancer.  Reflexes took over and the Necromancer leaped backwards, his Bone Shield swirling into life as he realized Duriel wasn't just here to talk.

Dodging back kept his head on his shoulders, as one of Duriel's claws sliced through the air where he'd been standing an instant before. But the momentum and speed of Duriel's charge was impossible to avoid, and the Necromancer was struck full speed and hurled backwards.  His Bone Shield vanished instantly, and he saw trees flying past him to the sides before crashing into one backwards and bouncing off to the side. Lying stunned, the Necromancer struggled to get to his feet, but realized he was doomed.  Duriel would be on him before he could even get to his knees.

His Blood Golem saved him.  Appearing from the side, the golem struck Duriel violently, one strong hand driving through the demon's worm-like lower body. Duriel shrieked in pain and whirled, driving a massive claw down through the golem, cutting it neatly in two, dispelling the creature in a splash of gore and blood.

But the delay had given the Necromancer time, and he pulled himself to his feet and gestured, raising up a Bone Wall between Duriel and himself and recasting his Bone Shield.  Duriel was fast too though, and he smashed the Bone Wall to shards in two hits, and surged through it, coming after the Necromancer again.

The Necromancer cast Iron Maiden on Duriel, and then ducked and leaped backwards, darting from tree to tree as he stayed just a few steps ahead of Duriel.  Behind him full grown trees were smashed to splinters as Duriel struck out madly, destroying anything in his path. The Necromancer dove behind a boulder, sliding down a muddy slope towards a larger wall of rocks, vines wrapped around and through them.

Duriel was not slowed, and he pulverized the rock, howling in agony at the Iron Maiden reflected damage, but not slowing his advance an instant.  He had done himself grievous hurt already, bashing through so many trees and rocks, but his fever for the Necromancer's blood was too hot for any amount of pain to slow him down.

The Necromancer slid into the base of the rock wall and leapt to his feet, but he had nowhere to go.  Duriel was coming at him full speed, and there was a flat rock wall to his back. He had time to cast Iron Maiden again, ensuring Duriel would pay for this.

And pay he did. Duriel smashed into the Necromancer, driving him into the rock wall so hard that the demon crashed into it as well, creating a massive dent in the stone, but surely pulping the Necromancer in the process.  Pulling back, shaking his head in pain and grogginess, Duriel was amazed to see the Necromancer fall out of the wall, chips of rock falling from his back.  There was a man-shaped indention in the wall where the Necromancer had been crushed into it, but he was still alive.

With a cry of rage Duriel charged again, and this time the Necromancer dodged, throwing himself down into the mud and rolling under the wall, into a crack exposed by the damage Duriel had dealt the ancient vine-covered stone. Howling in rage at the sight of his enemy escaping, Duriel attacked the stone with a fury, gouging out huge chunks of rock and slashing at the opening the Necromancer had vanished into, hoping to hook him out like a crab from a tide pool.

He felt his claws rending flesh, bouncing off of bone, but he could not pull the Necromancer out, and after a moment so much broken rock and rubble had fallen down that the hidey-hole was entirely buried.  Only then was Duriel able to stand back and gather himself, realizing he'd almost killed himself from the Iron Maiden while attacking so recklessly.

The Necromancer was surely dead from his wounds, and nicely-entombed in the shattered rock.  As the Iron Maiden swirling over him vanished, Duriel took cheer from it.  Curses did not persist beyond the death of the mage who had cast them. He was dead then.

Smiling broadly, Duriel settled down to rest and wait a bit, as he healed, safe in the depths of the shady thicket.  The other humans would be captured by hidden hordes of monsters, and he'd bagged three of them himself, though the lack of an edible Necromancer body would probably infuriate Baal.  He could let someone else have the fun with the Sorceress, Paladin, Druid, and Barbarian.

And where the hell had Ugg gotten that bunny suit anyway?

As the sunset bathed the fields in a lovely purple and pink, the Amazon struggled to open her eyes.  The left eye was sealed shut by dried blood, but the right one could open, and as she focused on her surroundings through a throbbing headache, memories of the afternoon returned.  Duriel had appeared, and smacked her on the head.  Had he gotten the Assassin also?

A look to her left confirmed that, for the dark-haired female was stripped naked and hanging on a spit over a large pile of wood and charcoal.  The Amazon looked down and saw a similar pyre beneath her, and the view to the right and in front of her was no better.  Turning her head painfully, she could see the Paladin, Druid, and Sorceress all nude, bloodied, and tied up as she was, arms and legs over a long metal pole behind them, dangling over a stack of flammable wood. The Paladin looked to be unconscious still, bruises and dried blood covering his face, and the Assassin hung limply as well, but the Sorceress and Druid were awake.  They returned her look with grim expressions and quick shakes of their heads.  What had happened here, she wondered?

Around the circle of spitted heroes, monsters swarmed by the hundreds.  Diablo, Baal, Duriel, Mephisto, and Andariel were all there, as were the huge forms of Belial and Azmodan.  She couldn't get a good look at them in the darkness, though. Swarming around the larger Evils were countless minor demons.  Fetish and Flayers by the hundred, herds of Goatmen and Minotaurs and even a few flocks of Succubi.

The Sorceress spoke, loudly enough for the Amazon to hear her over the din of exuberant monsters.

"They captured us all.  All but the Barbarian and Necromancer, and Duriel says he killed the Necromancer.  The Fetish came out of holes in the ground, all over the fields.  I killed hundreds, and tried to keep teleporting, but there were just too many.  I thought I was dead, but after they knocked me down they tied me up and carried me back here."  The Amazon frowned, knowing that the Sorceress could not cast any spells with her hands tied so tightly.

Baal stepped into the middle of the circle, carefully avoiding the beds of wood and charcoal.

"Ahh, awake now, ladies?" he regarded the Sorceress with a fond smile. "And you lead us quite a chase, my dear.  I had a dickens of a time persuading the Flayers not to just carve you up on the spot.  But fortunately they realized you'd be so much tastier once properly roasted.  They proposed boiling initially, if you can imagine.  Too long in the jungle has ruined their culinary skills.  As if we'd waste good meat in a cook pot?"

Baal shuddered at the thought, as he stomped around the circle of spits and poked and prodded at each character, like a butcher examining prime cuts of meat. The Amazon tried to bite at his finger as he poked her flanks and chest, but he just chuckled. "Why these will feed a dozen Fetish warriors by themselves!" he chuckled, setting her breasts swinging with a slap.

The Druid spoke from across the circle, his shaggy body hair bristling with rage. "What of our holiday truce?  How dare you break it without provocation? And what of the special dinner you were planning?"

Baal laughed. "Why this is the special dinner we'd planned.  As we said earlier, 'we couldn't have it without you!'" The Druid gasped, finally realizing the situation, and Baal laughed and laughed.

"True, we wanted all seven of you for the BBQ, but Duriel screwed up the Necromancer's capture.  I should have known.  Still, the man was all skin and bone.  Hardly worth the trouble to roast such stringy meat."

"You didn't get Ugg either, I see." the Sorceress said, a bitter laugh in her voice.

"Not yet..." Baal answered, breaking off as a commotion broke out in the camp.

A thick knot of minotaurs pushed through the crowd and once they reached the center, near the spits, they threw down their prize.  It was Ugg, bound in heavy ropes, his eyes open, his body still straining to get free.  He still wore his bunny costume, but it was tattered and torn and covered in blood. Much of it not his own, to look at the minotaurs that had brought him in, for several were crudely bandaged, and others were missing arms and ears.

Duriel pushed his way to the front and with a deft thrust, he smacked a claw into the back of the straining Barbarian's skull, knocking him unconscious.

"Spit him up with the rest.  It's dinner time!" Diablo roared, and the mob of demons broke into wild cheers.  Flayers danced and howled, burning torches held overhead, their massive cleavers shining as they chopped at the air.

Half a dozen Fetish raced forwards and began to slice away the ropes and clothing around the Barbarian.  They didn't last long; after just a few seconds all six of them reeled away, gasping and holding their noses. Diablo walked over and bent down, then turned away, coughing as well.

"Pits of boiling sulfur, does he stink!  Bring some water, we've got to wash him off first.  I'm not eating that."

This sent the camp into complete confusion.  Where were the filthy demons going to get water?

The Sorceress laughed at the scene. "Well, Ugg's habit of rolling in the shit of his enemies, all the better to hide his scent when hunting, finally paid off."

Finally some pails of water were ported over, and thrown down on the Barbarian.  Visible waves of stink rolled up, and the Amazon almost expected the water to sizzle away on contact. Several Flayers darted in and expertly sliced away Ugg's bunny costume, and the leather loin cloth he wore below it, then backed away, gasping for breath before the stink overpowered them.

The Sorceress and Amazon gasped as well, but it wasn't the smell of the naked Barbarian that had them so shocked.

Diablo himself came forward at last and picked up the unconscious Barbarian, holding his breath and pinching his nostrils shut as he lifting the reeking Barbarian up to the spit.

"Wait!" shouted Baal. "We've got them all, it's time to cook dinner.  They must be impaled."

The Amazon and Sorceress gasped, looking up at the sharpened points of the long metal poles they were tied to.

"Well you didn't think we could cook you with you just tied on, now did you?" Diablo asked, with a chuckle.  "Don't worry, it only hurts in the end."

He lifted the Barbarian up higher, preparing to skewer him on the metal spike, when a flash of light across the camp made Diablo pause.  A second later there was massive confusion, and monsters running in every direction.  Colored lights appeared overhead, trickling sparks down over the monsters, and suddenly Diablo realized. "It's the Necromancer!  Cursing us!"

As he spoke a swirl of red appeared over his head, and Diablo looked around just in time to see several dozen Flayers charging at him, cleavers at the ready. "You fools!  It's just a Necromancer curse!  Don't attack me!"

Enraged by the Curses, the Flayers didn't hear a word, and Diablo dropped the Barbarian as the horde of pint-sized demons swarmed over him, cleavers flashing.

Everywhere the same scene was playing out, as Attract was cast on the larger monsters, Iron Maiden and Confuse on everything else, and the monsters tore each other apart.  Revives started to pop up from dead monsters, and others were blasted to bits with Corpse Explosion, showering the still-tied humans with a steaming rain of blood and entrails.

In the midst of this, Ugg shook his head and woke up, looking very surprised at his surroundings.  A moment was all he needed to realize what was happening though, and with a roar he grasped the metal spike he had so nearly gotten to know intimately, and broke it off at the ground, leaving himself with a length of metal thicker than his arm and nearly twice as long as he was tall.  An orange light flared over the field of monsters to his right, and howling Battle Cries, Ugg launched into a Whirlwind, slicing through the mass of Flayers and minotaurs.  The Amazon looked on, wide-eyed, and the Druid muttered, "My sweet Spirit of the Forest!" as Ugg left dozens of corpses in his wake, Flayers cleaved in two, Minotaurs missing arms and heads, even a Succubi split at the wishbone.  The spinning Barbarian was already making another pass, cutting the wounded into salsa and churning the bloody earth into a swamp.

It seemed that the monsters were beaten with shocking speed, before Duriel charged through the camp, half a dozen Flayers clinging to his bulk.  He was headed straight for the five heroes still tied to their roasting spikes, simply ignoring the confused demons who attacked him, their tiny bodies mere parasites on his bulk.

"You have ruined dinner!  Die maggots!"

Ugg was too far off into the monster horde to see him, and none of the five characters could get free of the ropes.  The Amazon closed her eyes as Duriel dragged her off of the spit, lifting her up to his gaping, toothy maw.  Duriel looked quite happy to eat her raw, just so long as she was eaten.

Before he could bite off her kicking legs, a burst of flame appeared to the right, and Duriel howled in pain and threw her down as a Fire Golem flared into life, and began ripping into Duriel's flank.  The massive demon fought back, driving his claws into the flaming golem, but they merely parted the flames and chewed up the earth beneath its feet, seeming not to slow the golem at all.  The hot stink of burning worm filled the air, and Duriel fell back, trying to escape.

A blueish glow covered him though, and his movements slowed to a crawl.  As the golem continued to rip him open, the heat from its hands sizzling his flesh, dozens of Bone Spirits flew out of the darkness, homing in on Duriel.  He screamed and tried to run, but the Golem had a firm grip on his entrails, even as its grasp cooked him from inside, and the Bone Spirits were faster than the Decrepified demon.  They hit him in rapid succession, sinking into his flesh with small bursts of light, and Duriel gave one last earth-shaking howl before falling over, dead.

All around the camp the battles were drawing to a close, as Ugg whirled through the remaining knots of monsters, the few surviving demons battled the blackened and rotting dead that the Necromancer had Revived to fight for him, or fled for their lives. Diablo, Baal, and Mephisto and the other Prime Evils had escaped, too clever to be caught in such a death trap, but of the other monsters, all were dead, defeated, or limping away into the night.

At last the Necromancer strode out of the darkness, and he was a sight.  One eye swollen shut, blood caked on his face, his left arm hanging in a sling.  He could only walk with the aid of a long bone crutch, and it took him several minutes to navigate the sea of severed limbs and monster corpses.

When he finally reached the circle of trussed heroes, he looked them over slowly.  By now the Paladin and Assassin were conscious, if barely, and all five humans looked with some anxiety at their rescuer. They'd so often treated him poorly.  What would he do with them now?

He met each of their gazes, one by one, and all five heroes bowed their heads when he did, acknowledging him as their better.  His gaze lingered on the Amazon, and she tried to smile, but felt it die on her lips when he scowled and looked away.

No words were spoken, and after a moment more the Necromancer limped around the circle, cutting the ropes that held them all.  Five exhausted humans dropped down into the beds of wood that would have seared their flesh, and then got to their feet carefully, checking for broken bones and internal injuries.

"I suggest," the Necromancer said, "That you all find some clothing, and then let's eat.  I've always wondered what roast worm would taste like."

He laughed as he spoke, and the heroes turned to see steam rising from Duriel's massive corpse. The Fire Golem had ripped a hole in the fallen demon, and was cooking Duriel just by standing there and holding onto his flesh.  It actually smelled pretty good.

Ugg joined them a moment later, coated head to toe in black, green, and red monster blood.  His long spear was nicked and bent in places, and he'd skewered at least twenty monster skulls on it.  He held it over the Fire Golem and laughed, "Ugg roast marshmallow!"

Even bruised and naked as they were, the humans couldn't help but laugh.  Laugh and lick their lips, for the roast Duriel was indeed smelling pretty good, and it had been a long time since lunch.

"Who got the most golden eggs anyway?" the Assassin asked, and then laughed as the Paladin, Sorceress, and Ugg began to argue their case, all comfortable standing knee deep in monster corpses, surrounded by the Necromancer's Revives.  It was a holiday to celebrate, after all.

Feedback and Notes
My main goal going into this 4th installment of my ongoing humorous holiday D2 stories was to take the series in a new direction.  Most everyone enjoyed the first and second one, since the whole concept was so new and original.  I just had the characters and demons sitting around, talking and eating, before eventually and inevitably turning to battle, but no one had done that or thought of that before (AFAIK) and people liked the idea.

By the third story, set on Valentine's Day, the novelty was wearing thin, and even the innovation of dirty candy hearts and the insults derived from them wasn't enough to keep some readers from requesting something more and something different.  I agreed with them, in retrospect, and determined that in the next installment (to be set on a holiday that was yet to be determined) I'd work in more plot and some changes to the character/demon dynamics.  The resulting story is the one you see on this page, and most readers seemed to like the changes, as you can see in the feedback below.

The plot changes (having an actual plot, for instance) were what caused this one to be substantially longer and more action-packed than the others.  This one was a bit more work to plot out and keep flowing, but it's very easy for me to write action and things happening; clever dialogue, especially between a dozen participants (as I did in the first 3 stories in this series) is much harder to keep going, while keeping the reader straight on who is talking and what's happening.  And advancing the plot through the dialogue, or keeping the plot going while the dialogue flows around it is damn tricky.

My point is that while this story was the longest of the four, and the one with the most "things" happening, it was probably easier to write than the other three, ironically enough.

That being said, this story didn't turn out quite as I had planned. But then they never do. Most of the gags and jokes I had in mind got in early on, during the lunch, and a few things like Ugg being too dirty/smelly to eat came in later.  But I didn't keep the usual joking mood as much, since I didn't see how I could with a big action scene, and of course the whole "we're about to be eaten" section.

I don't know how people will take this, if the jokes and tongue in cheek sexual stuff will penetrate while they are reading, or just seem like bad puns, or not even be noticed at all.  The "stayed up all night polishing his helmet" and "Duriel prepared to eat her raw" type remarks made me giggle writing, but whether they'll work for a reader remains to be seen.

I had initially thought to put in some sort of crucifixion and/or resurrection, but couldn't see how to work it in humorously, without it being blatantly inspired or derivative of the Christian mythology.  And I wasn't worried about that, but I thought it would spoil the mood for people who take that whole myth/legend/whatever seriously.

But mostly, it was just that it didn't work into the tale.  I considered having Duriel crucify the Necromancer, or him fall into a rock tomb and then emerge later on by rolling back the door, but what would that have meant?  The joke wasn't that the Necromancer was Jesus, or a deity of any sort, so it would have just been a sort of pointless literary allusion, and not especially funny or clever.

I did have the Easter egg hunt and the capture and the Necromancer's rescuing everyone planned out in advance, for a change from him being a silly tool in the other stories, but how exactly he was going to do it changed once I wrote it.

And I enjoyed the whole foreshadowing conversation at lunch, with the "Why we couldn't have the feast without you!" remarks.  It was meant to be pretty obvious to the reader at that point what the monsters were planning, if the story opening didn't give that way clearly enough.  So this was meant to be set up and giving anticipation to the reader, rather than the betrayal and feast being some sort of big surprise when it occurred. Plus it was an homage to the Simpson's Halloween episode when the two slavering aliens took them onto their ship and made similar comments.

Feedback

Here are some of the reader comments, more or less randomly-selected.

This story has got to be the best of all of your works. I have read all of the stories you have wrote so far, and I loved every one of them. I really hope to see more of them in the future. Good luck on your next installments of the series and I hope to see them posted up soon.

Sincerely,
Brian

Overall, great Easter story. You didn't waste time reintroducing the characters, and you kept true to them. The battle scene with Duriel and the Necromancer was vivid enough to visualize . . . but the ending to the scene was mildly lackluster. I expected a joke about Duriel thinking the Necro was dead because of his skin tone, or some such. Nitpick: Curses can last well beyond the death of the caster; it's Bone Spirits that go away upon death.

(For all that you didn't like Thousand Orcs, R.A. Salvatore is great at describing sword and sorcery battles. He's at his height in Starless Night and Siege of Darkness if you ever get a chance to read those.)

You did the Tristram/Travincal mixup again, 1/3 of the way through.

I have to be honest: When the word "boobies" was trotted out I was turned off. You had set a good, mature tone with the humor and battle descriptions and "roasting on spits" and all of that . . . but "boobies" is just too much of a juvenile term. I think the more conventional "breasts" would have been called for.

The final battle scene was excellent. I loved the phrase "churning the bloody earth" in particular. The resolution seemed rushed, though, with nothing really to indicate that the Necromancer would finally be given his well-earned respect.

ArchLich

He made a good point about "boobies" and I've changed it to "breasts." As well as fixed the Tristram/Travincal error.

I just read your Easter 2003 story... another great addition to your series. I'm just curious; what made you choose to suddenly turn the Necromancer into a hero? Has someone been playing the forbidden, underpowered character lately? :) I was glad to see the butt-of-every-joke Necromancer come back and kick some monsters around (especially the way you made it sound--the Necro stealthily flashing curses from a hidden spot.) I believe Necromancers to be special characters in D2: LoD; they're not "power killers" but they do have the ability to mess with the enemies in a large variety of ways to their advantage. You seemed to really capture that here. 

By the way... now that Duriel's Dead, what's going to happen on the next holiday? 

Great work, keep it up!

--Nick

The Necromancer being the hero of this one was an evolution from the others, where I had him being so dopey and impotent, and wanted to surprise the readers.  I also had the idea for the hordes of monsters at the end, surrounding all but one of the characters, and who could have rescued them but the Necromancer, with his sneaky crowd control skills?

Nick also brings up a point I hadn't really considered; the mortality of the monsters.  I wanted Duriel to die since he's long been the mortal enemy of the Necromancer and it was part of the Necromancer's ultimate victory, but I didn't think of it as any more of a final death than those the monsters suffer in the game. They're always back for the next game.

However, since I'm doing these holiday stories with some continuity and character development, I should probably not just throw a fully-healthy Duriel back in next story (if there is a next story).  Never fear; I have a plan for achieving my ends.

Very descriptive, had many elements that most professional authors use, the comic-relief of the barbarian was hilarious and you did a great job of what each character would more than likely do. You are a very good writer. You ever think of talking to Blizzard to write one of their Diablo books?

M2Kamp

Yes, and I have rejected it, for various reasons that sound to most people (judging by my reader feedback) like excuses to avoid trying.

wow - thats a long story bud. I usually laugh at nerdy diablo stuff but this was long, I stopped reading sorry. Maybe its was cuz eater landed on this most ironic of dates. Peace.

*mgill

Just in case you thought everyone was a fan.

That's was surely one hell of a Easter storie! 8) - i had great fun reading it, just like with all your other stories. And i like the thing that you've put in more action and less humor into it. Not that the other stories had too much humor (there's never too much humor) - but sometimes i would miss some action - but you surely changed that this time!

Another thing is the way you describe things - now i must tell you that this is coming from a person whos native language is not english, so my english is far from good. But knowing that my english is bad i still think you describe things, persons, places and situations with those extra words which makes it special, and exciting to read.

I've never really bothered to give any comments on anything on Diabloii.net - but after reading your Easter storie, i just had to! 8)

Best Regards ( and respect! )
Peder
Denmark

 

I got your email just after I read your Easter story, and I must mention what great timing that was.

You mentioned that I should "And don't be afraid to say something wasn't your favorite ever.". Well, I'm not exactly afraid, it's just that most of your blogs are pretty good, and I've yet to see one that's absolutely horrible. Of course, that's precisely why I'm a regular reader in the first place. Every now and then there's an exceptional one, and that certainly deserves praising.

But on to your Easter story. Absolutely, undoubtably your best yet. Just excellent. But there are 2 points I feel compelled to inquire about. I know common sense doesn't apply to your stories, and neither do in-game rules, but I do find it a little weird that 1. the necromancer, trashed as he was, could still have enough mana to curse the whole crowd, and 2. the sorceress didn't regenerate enough mana, while waiting to be skewered, to teleport away. These are quite minor points though, and the story still does read very well.

Good stuff. Keep it up. I just wish you had more quality work like this up on the site for reading. I do so enjoy the stories.

--Doomster

My conception of their world is to include the spells, but not so much the limitations of things like insufficient mana. Plus I take some liberties in my versions of their spells and skills.  I did hear the comment about the Sorceress from several readers though, so in a rewrite I put in a note about her being unable to cast spells while her hands were tied.  It's somewhat plausible, if you look at how she moves her arms about in the game when she's spell-casting.

yay, nice work again flux, first i'd like to start off saying i'm glad that you finally gave the necromancer the recognition that he has always deserved, the necromancer is not only a "curse bitch", with the right curses he can turn the entire battlefield into pure chaos, secondly i'd like to say that this was your best story yet, and i hope that you continue with more as the holidays come up, again great work, and long live the necromancer's glory, which probabally won't last for long anyways, but let his strength be recognized!
"no longer just a curse-bitch"

--Kaevic

Will the Necro return to being comic relief and the outcast of the humans?  Or will his new-found respect persist?  Good question.  Wish I had the answer.  I won't know until I begin writing the next one, since it's only then that my ideas for them really start to flow.

As I stated before, I did not like your holiday specials. I always found them to be below your standards, characters acting way too childish.

This all changed now. This Easter story is again one of your finest. Well designed battlescenes, very nice and subtle humour (I actually think this was funnier than the other three), and even the characters seem to be developing some depth.

I especially thank you for the Necro not gloating in the end :) It was also refreshing to see that you made do with a slight hint of sexual content, and I "noticed" it only cause I know your other works. Maybe there was nothing to notice :) Maybe it's just me, I'm dirty :)

Just one question: how do you tie a sorceress to a pole? I mean she can teleport off, can't she? Or tied together she can't cast her spells?

Anyway, thanks for the nice story.
And a happy Easter (I hope you hate it less than I do)
C.

Several of my readers, ones who preferred my more serious Diablo and non-Diablo stories to the lighter holiday humor ones, were won over by this Easter story.  I guess that I can conclude from their comments that I balanced the action and plot with the humor and amusing game fourth-wall stuff pretty well.  I'm not sure how well I like the blending in this one, but it's nice that others like it more than they expected to.

It's probably the best holiday story out of the lot in terms of plot. The Necromancer becomes the unlikely hero (about time) and there's even the moral lesson about how the picked on, most mocked character saves the others in spite of the fact that they probably don't deserve it. You generated some real action with the plot, along with the usual humor (painful puns!), sexual tension, etc. It was probably a bit more explicit than the D2 crowd is accustomed to, but a good break from "let's all sit around the feasting table and snark."

I don't think this would have worked had it not been a holiday D2 fan fiction story, however. The "trick the hapless mortals to eat them" and "loser saves the day" elements have been done. You've done what you can with the material at hand. Had you created something totally out of the ordinary, (i.e. had the characters act...uh...out of character), it would have been your former D2 novel, and that's not holiday fan fic.

So, overall, solid story.

Personal favorite minor plot points:
-- Barbarian in a bunny suit; but of course, who else could it have been, especially with Leap Attack? The visual is priceless. I'd almost commission someone to draw that picture for me. <laughing>
-- Poor Necro in his pursuit of the Amazon; rejected even when trying to be a nice guy. The humanity!
-- Nice touch when you had the Assassin and Sorceress protective over the Amazon; "When lightning began to crackle in the Sorceress' hair..." Good female insight and yes, other male authors have missed things that simple.

--Pluot the Kumquat

your poor curse necro finally got the last word! I thought your Easter story was really funny, and it has restored my confidence in your story-telling capabilities. I read all your holiday stories so far, and after the Valentine's Day story, I wasn't too sure of this one, but turns out I was worrying too much. The only thing about this one was - roast Duriel?????? Can you imagine what kind of nutrition cooked demon would provide? Especially Duriel who has all those maggots come out of him when he dies (in the game)? Gross (I may have an appetite like the Baba, but even I don't think I'd be THAT hungry...) Anyway, keep up the great work, looking forward to another article/seasonal story, whichever comes 1st: maybe Haloween - Meph would come as Baal , characters would wonder why Baal wasn't dropping TC90 anymore and Meph was... Maybe St. Patricks, with Andariel turning people green (kind of week, but then again, I'm not that great of a story-teller).

--Daniel

I expected more people to ask, "How they hell do they eat roast custard?" since that's what Baal seems to be reduced to upon his death, but most readers seemed willing to go along with the concept.

Just dropping you a line to let you know how much I LOVED your D2 stories. I've been playing D2 for a little over a year now and frankly got quite bored with the game, you know, with everyone cheating and only being concerned about trading items and cow levels! I miss the days when people were actually up for adventure and I could walk around freely without having to develop lightning-quick reflexes on my town portal finger since some jackass barbarian or something always wants to stomp me to the ground for fun. 

Anyhow, I've been reading the site for a few months and I have to say that I truly enjoy it. Your D2 novel, the couple chapters that you have up, were so insanely interesting that I actually sat and read everything. I, mean, I SKIPPED GOING TO THE MOVIES ON A SATURDAY NIGHT to stay home and read your story. It's awesome and I can't wait to read the rest of it. And the thanksgiving/holiday ones were soooo funny I couldn't stop laughing! I must really be a D2 rookie as I've never heard the "curse bitch" phrase before but it was so freaking hilarious when you said it because I always felt that way about necros. 

Keep up the good, no, GREAT work with the site and I will be waiting, salivating anxiously (I hope that doesn't sound too disturbing) for more of your stories. I wish I had the talent for fiction like you do. I really admire your stuff...the stories that is.

--Cheeba

All of the "holiday" themed stories you have written, while entertaining, were too short in development. Leaving the reader wanting for more, so to speak. Heh heh :) (That's a compliment hidden in an insult, I know...but I never claimed to be tactful. Heh heh)

This Easter Tale, on the other hand, was quite fulfilling. The betrayal of the holiday truce by the demon hordes and Duriels prolonged battle with the necromancer were quite classic. The irony of the heroic rescue by the much maligned "Curse Bitch" was quite sharp, giving a sense of vindication I imagine, for those corpse exploders of the world. :) Ugg, as always, is hilarious. The site of a near seven foot barbarian in a full body pink fuzzy bunny suit is cause for some serious laugh-induced stomach pain. *grin* 

One point though, that I was curious about... How did the Necromancer survive being rammed into the wall? Ugg I could see surviving even solid rock, he'd be too stubborn to break :P But the little frail necromancer should have been putty. Bone armor wouldn't have given him THAT much protection. lol :P

--Thud

I don't know how he survived.  He's just tougher than anyone would think, even Duriel.  Or else he follows the movie law of survival, which is that anyone who is thought dead without actually being seen to die will return at the critical moment.

If you have some story feedback of your own, feel free to send it in.

All site content copyright "Flux" (Eric Bruce), 2002-2007.