his one is a bit misleading, since I have not seen this movie and can guarantee you that, short of hell possessing cinemas, I never will.  However, since I posted news and commentary about it a few times, and the whole thing amused me so, I've preserved it here, in the reviews section.

After all, while I don't review it, other people do, and I quote from them.  Close enough, eh?

August 30, 2004

Ebert has a great article up about his meeting with Vincent Gallo, the director/star/editor of the infamous The Brown Bunny, the movie Ebert called the worst in the history of Cannes. I recommend reading the whole thing, but here's a quick quote:

"I had been battling this prostatitis, and a reporter who I didn't know said 'I'm doing a story on Cannes and I want to know if you read what Roger Ebert said about your film.' I said, yeah, I read all about it. 'Well, do you have any comment?'

"And I said something like, 'Tell him I curse his prostate.' I said it in a joking way. And then the reporter converted it into a curse on your colon. At that point, I had become the captain of black magic."

"I don't believe in hexes," I said. "Besides, if I can't take it, I shouldn't dish it out."

"Right."

"Maybe by saying you made the worst film in Cannes history, I was asking for it."

"But I thought your response was funny when you responded with the colonoscopy line."

That was when I said the film of my colonoscopy was more entertaining than "The Brown Bunny."

Ebert says the current finished version of Brown Bunny is much improved over the rough cut screened at Cannes, but then again, it was the worst movie in history... how could any editing not improve it at least a little? Unfortunately, his review isn't online yet, and won't be until Friday (though 26 others are, 15 of which are positive). It's hard to imagine he'll give it a positive score, I'd expect about a two-star with praise for the effort but dissatisfaction with the indulgent short comings. But really, what do I care? It's not like I'm ever going to see Brown Bunny or would have ever heard of Gallo if not for all the media attention and controversy.

November 25, 2003

Those who saw Vincent Gallo's "The Brown Bunny" have been gathering ever since, with hushed voices and sad smiles, to discuss how wretched it was. Those who missed it hope to get tickets, for no other film has inspired such discussion. "The worst film in the history of the festival," I told a TV crew posted outside the theater. I have not seen every film in the history of the festival, yet I feel my judgment will stand.

Imagine 90 tedious minutes of a man driving across America in a van. Imagine long shots through a windshield as it collects bug splats. Imagine not one but two scenes in which he stops for gas. Imagine a long shot on the Bonneville Salt Flats where he races his motorcycle until it disappears as a speck in the distance, followed by another shot in which a speck in the distance becomes his motorcycle. Imagine a film so unendurably boring that at one point, when he gets out of his van to change his shirt, there is applause.

And then, after half the audience has walked out and those who remain stay because they will never again see a film so amateurish, narcissistic, self-indulgent and bloody-minded, imagine a scene where the hero's lost girl reappears, performs fellatio in a hard-core scene and then reveals the sad truth of their relationship.

Of Vincent Gallo, the film's star, writer, producer, director, editor and only begetter, it can be said that this talented actor must have been out of his mind to (a) make this film and (b) allow it to be seen.

The "Bunny" press screening "was remarkable for the unrestrained hostility of the audience," wrote A. O. Scott in the New York Times. At the end, the audience "gave voice to that French form of abuse that sounds like a cross between the lowing of a cow and the hooting of an owl."

During a scene where Gallo shares a bicycle with a young woman, I became so nostalgic for "Butch Cassidy" that I softly sang "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head." I stopped after six words when my wife jabbed me in the ribs. I was overheard by a writer for Hollywood Reporter, who included it in his coverage about how badly the film was received, and that is another reason Gallo has put the heebie-jeebie on my colon and prostate. I am not too worried. I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than "The Brown Bunny."

It's almost enough to make you want to see it.  Almost...

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