Quotes are sorted by who said them, alphabetically. Quotes are occasionally thematic, usually inspired by something in that day's update, but often just whatever catches my eye as I'm scanning my quotes page for a new one. BlackChampagne.com does not necessarily agree with or endorse the messages in the quotes of the day, and in fact it's often exactly the opposite. I frequently select quite a quote to illustrate an opinion or deed I find abhorrent. If you want to know my opinion a given quote, feel free to ask.

If you have a quote you think I might like, feel free to send it in, with a link for attribution, please.

QotD Archive Contents:
The QotD Archive now occupies 4 pages, due to size considerations. Use the following navigation to jump around, or just scroll and read if you've got a lot of time to kill.

Quotes by:
 ¤ Miscellaneous Companies or Institutions
 ¤ Assorted Government Entities
 ¤ Flux (your humble webmaster)
 ¤ Anonymous Quotes
 ¤ Multi-Part Quotes

Alphabetical for everyone else, sorted by last name.

  A ¤ B ¤ C ¤ D ¤ E ¤ F ¤ G ¤ H ¤ I ¤ J ¤ K ¤ L ¤ M
N ¤ O ¤ P ¤ Q ¤ R ¤ S ¤ T ¤ U ¤ V ¤ W ¤ X ¤ Y ¤ Z

Miscellaneous Companies or Institutions

¤ "Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies."
-- The Onion, paraphrasing every horoscope ever written

¤ I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.
-- Editor, Business Books, Prentice Hall, 1957

¤ We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
-- Decca Recording Co rejecting the Beatles, 1962

¤ This "telephone" has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication.  The device is inherently of no value to us.
-- Western Union internal memo, 1876

¤ I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

¤ The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C" the idea must be feasible.
-- A Yale management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.  (Smith went on to found Federal Express)

¤ If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? I told you so! If you don't hurt them they won't hurt you. You're spoiled rotten. If everyone took one, there wouldn't be any left.
-- Everyone's mother, at one time or another.

¤ The average man's testicles produce 1000 sperm a second, and 100,000,000 a day.
-- Nova on PBS

¤ But the problem with human flesh is that, while rich in protein, it never really satisfies hunger because of the lack of carbohydrates, which provide energy. That is why the men had to kill so regularly. No matter how much they ate of their companions, it was not enough for the energy needed on their stamina-sapping journey.
-- Food problems for escaped Aussie convicts

¤ Cannabis can be used for women to relax and de-stress without calories, in contract to alcohol or chocolate.
-- A motion proposed by female members of Unison -- one of Britain's largest trade unions

¤ The slight browning of the flesh gave it an immeasurably better flavor -- softer than beef but with much the same taste.
-- Culinary report on human flesh by one of the surviving rugby team players from that famous Andes plane crash.

¤ How can a trail running shoe... help me avoid compressing my spinal cord into a slinky on the side of some unsuspecting conifer, thereby rendering me a drooling, misshapen ... husk of my former self?
-- Text from a Nike running shoe magazine ad that was withdrawn after heavy protest (from crippled people, not pine trees)

¤ In addition to slate writing, spirit paintings, and other "materializations," "spirit photographs" were also produced by spiritualists. Curiously, the ethereal entities did not appear during the early period of photography (beginning in 1839): there were no spirit daguerreotypes, ambrotypes or early tintypes. Indeed, not until double exposures were made possible by the advent of photographic paper prints from glass-plate negatives, did the spirits choose to make their photographic debut.
-- Skeptiseum, CSICOP

¤ You will take a chance on something new in the near future... in bed.
-- Fortune Cookie 

¤ An average of 1,157 animals boarded the boat every second [100,000,000/24hours x 60minutes x 60seconds.) “In the selfsame day entered Noah, and Shem, and Ham, and Japheth, and the sons of Noah, and Noah’s wife, and the three wives of his sons with them, into the ark; They, and every beast after his kind, and all the cattle after their kind, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind, and every fowl after his kind, every bird of every sort” (Genesis 7:13-14).
-- Bible quiz

¤ When the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2002, some enthusiastic sportswriters found the victory fitting because, since Sept. 11, “We’d  become a nation of patriots.” Some wags responded by asking: “Does that mean if the St. Louis Rams had won, we’d be a nation of sheep?”

¤ Hi, This is a new game
This game is my first work.
You're the first player.
I wish you would like it.
-- Every other email received between January 2002 and late 2003.

¤ You're all gonna have to wrassle me.
-- A drunken, naked Wisconsin man stopped by cops for "lewd and lascivious" behavior

¤ So for several hundred years the various Christian churches celebrated the birthday of their savior on different dates. The eastern churches generally kept it on January 6th, where it remains for some and which is now the Epiphany. Other churches chose April 24th or 25th; and some placed it in May. It was not until 354 CE that December 25th was chosen as the anniversary of the birthday of the Christ.
-- The Reason for the Season indeed.

¤ This is best illustrated in the written text of the Thanksgiving sermon delivered at Plymouth in 1623 by "Mather the Elder." In it, Mather the Elder gave special thanks to God for the devastating plague of smallpox which wiped out the majority of the Wampanoag Indians who had been their benefactors. He praised God for destroying "chiefly young men and children, the very seeds of increase, thus clearing the forests to make way for a better growth", i.e., the Pilgrims.
-- Thanksgiving Education Guide

News of the Weird
¤ A 13 year old boy was arrested after he allegedly pulled out a gun and robbed a convenience store of just one sex magazine. (Martinsburg, West Virginia)
-- News of the Weird

¤ After a homeowner allegedly reneged on a payment, the owner of a wild-animal removal service brought back the raccoon he had taken from the property and put it back under the house. (Grand Blanc, Township, MI)
-- News of the Weird

¤ A Redondo Beach CA police officer arrested a driver after a short chance and charged him with drunk driving.  Officer Joseph Fonteno's suspicions were aroused when he saw the white Mazda rolling down Pacific Coast Highway with half of a traffic light pole, including the light, lying across its hood.  The driver had hit the pole on a median strip and simply kept driving.  According to Fonteno, when the driver was asked about the pole, he said, "It came with the car when I bought it."
-- News of the Weird

Things Creationists Hate
¤ Ice Ages: Very inconvenient! They have to have occurred since the Flood, since, according to creationists, the surface of the Earth was reworked by the Flood (to create, for instance, the Grand Canyon practically overnight), which would have messed up all those marks of glaciers on the landscape. That means mile-thick ice sheets had to advance and retreat again and again, across half the Northern Hemisphere, with the speed of freight trains. (As with plate tectonics, some creationists seem to have abandoned complete denial of ice ages [even though they're never mentioned in the Bible {How could the true history of the world miss those?}], and acknowledged a single ice age, which had to have occurred within historical times.)
-- Things Creationists Hate 

¤ Stars: ...somehow have grown a lot bigger and moved much farther away, so that by now it seems foolish to expect a sizable fraction of them to fall to Earth, as predicted in Revelation.
-- Things Creationists Hate

¤ The Earth: ...on the other hand, to test Man's faith in the literal veracity of scripture, has shrunk to become much smaller than the sun, and has taken to circling the latter, instead of vice versa, as originally established. Furthermore (confirming its sinful nature), it has floated up off its pillars or foundations, lost its four corners, and become a silly ball, on which there just is no possible mountaintop from which one could see all nations of the Earth.
-- Things Creationists Hate

¤ Other Cultures: Like those damn Egyptians that didn't seem to notice a world-wide Flood, though they were around at the time and had a liking for writing everything down (they'd write down what people wore to parties, darn it, why would they fail to note a Flood that covered the entire Earth? AND they were there before and after the time of the Flood. Or the Asian Indians, or the Chinese, or any of the other cultures that also possessed written histories, yet failed to note any of the cataclysmic acts of the Judeo-Christian god.
 -- Things Creationists Hate

¤ The Efficacy of Science: Funny how science gets it all right when you want a computer, medical science to eliminate smallpox or treat your "erectile dysfunction", anti-lock brakes to save your life--but all evolutionists--using the scientific method you take advantage of all day long--are wrong. Evolutionary biology gets it right when you want improved corn yields, a vaccine ready for this year's flu strain, or the discovery of new oil fields--but we must keep that a secret from the kids, or at least teach them that magic is an equally valid explanation for how things got to be the way they are.
-- Things Creationists Hate

¤ Inconvenient Biblical Laws: Andrew I. Kapust wonders why creationists don't keep kosher, as he proudly does. I accuse them of picking and choosing among Old Testament laws and pronouncements. Anything they like, like the six days of creation, or "Thou shalt not kill" (mainly as applied to fetuses) is the inerrant word of God. However, most of the other 394 laws (like not wearing cotton-polyester blend fabrics, keeping the SABBATH [Saturday] holy, punishing rapists by forcing them to marry their victims, etc.) they have been excused from observing by Jesus. I can't seem to find the list in the New Testament, however, that details exactly which laws can safely be ignored by fundamentalists.
-- Things Creationists Hate

¤ Bats: Somehow, quite perversely, they changed from "fowls" to mammals between the time Moses (according to literalists) wrote the Pentateuch and now.
-- Things Creationists Hate

¤ So for several hundred years the various Christian churches celebrated the birthday of their savior on different dates. The eastern churches generally kept it on January 6th, where it remains for some and which is now the Epiphany. Other churches chose April 24th or 25th; and some placed it in May. It was not until 354 CE that December 25th was chosen as the anniversary of the birthday of the Christ.
-- The Reason for the Season indeed.

Assorted Governmental Quotes
These are quotes from various administrations or offices, where an actual name can not be attached to them. Quotes from named/known politicians are sorted in the A-Z quotes section.

¤ Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangements there would be no cause for [interracial] marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.
-- Statement by the judge who sentenced a mixed race couple under Virginia's Racial Integrity Act of 1924.  The law was finally overturned by the Supreme Court in 1967. Draw parallels to the current gay marriage issue at your own discretion.

¤  Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

¤ Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.
-- Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf

¤ That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

¤ Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
-- First Amendment to the US Constitution

¤ Perhaps one of the only positive pieces of advice that I was ever given was that supplied by an old courtier who observed, "Only two rules really count: never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet." -- Duke of Windsor

¤ It is common knowledge that it's nearly impossible to even partially remove jeans from a person without their cooperation.
 -- From a ruling by Italy's highest criminal appeals court, holding that it is impossible to rape a woman wearing jeans.

¤ He could have been a terrorist. We have to ensure the safety of children.
-- Taylor County Superintendent Oscar Howard, explaining why he refused to allow a reporter access to state records, including his cell phone bill, that the state is legally required to allow citizens to view.

Bush II Administration -- (See Quotes by Bush himself in the B Names below.)
¤ "The first time I met Bush 43 … two things became clear. One, he didn't know very much. The other was that he had the confidence to ask questions that revealed he didn't know very much."
--Richard Perle, Administration Foreign Policy Advisor

¤ In a religious environment the value system is set.  That's not the case in a public school, where there are so many different kids with different kinds of values.
-- US Education Secretary Rod Paige, expressing a preference for schools that appreciate, "the values of the Christian community"

¤ He was democratically elected. Legitimacy is something that is conferred not just by a majority of the voters, however.
-- Asked Bush Administration official when asked whether the administration now recognizes Mr. Chavez as Venezuela's legitimate president

¤ Anyone who is concerned about his dignity would be well advised to keep away from horses.
 -- Duke of Edinburgh

¤ Pilot error.
-- Official NTSB ruling on the cause of JFK Jr.'s fatal plane crash

¤ I saw the goat the next day -- it did not seem too upset, but it is difficult to tell.
-- A police officer in Humberside, England, who was inundated with phone calls when a trainload of commuters witness a man having sex with the grazing farm animal

Multi-Part Quotes

¤ Never put off till tomorrow that which you can do today. -- Ben Franklin
¤ Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. -- Aaron Burr
¤ Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. -- Mark Twain

¤ He was born with a silver foot in his mouth. -- Ann Richards, speaking about George Bush Sr.
¤ He was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple. -- Unknown attribution, about George Bush Jr.

Flux Quotes (that would be me.)
I obviously say a lot of stuff every day, and could probably harvest an interesting quote or two almost every day, but these few are ones that were noted by someone or other, and made it as a quote of the day at some point.

¤ "Free Internet writing advice: If you can't organize your thoughts into consecutive sentences and you don't know when to insert a paragraph, just hit return after every 3 or 4 sentences, no matter what.  You won't be any more incorrect with inappropriate paragraphs than you were with none at all, and at least the space breaks will make your writing easier to read."

¤ "Just because you were born in a particular country doesn't mean you have to support the politicians in charge of it, or their actions, especially when it comes to foreign policy. And just because you support some of your country's actions doesn't mean you have to support all of them. Also, it's entirely possible to support a given politician while not agreeing with everything he/she does, just as it's possible to support a given policy while not caring for the politician who pushed for it. You can even agree with a policy end while not liking the policy that is used to (try) to achieve it... Life is a long series of shades of gray, and anyone who hides behind some sort of moral absolutism is either a naive fool, or is busy trying to trick you into seeing no deeper into an issue than he/she wants you to see."

¤ "As Woody Allen said, 'Being bisexual doubles your odds of a date on Friday night.'  It occurs to me that it therefore quadruples your odds of a threesome."

¤ "If I were offered a two hour massage vs. two hours of sex, I would really have to give it some serious thought.  I mean given the design of male anatomy, it's not exactly difficult to achieve orgasm.  Try giving yourself a back rub though."

¤ "It puts the garlic on the pizza.  It does this whenever it's told."

¤ "New Year's Eve, 1999: Forever to be remembered for an almost total lack of terrorism, mass murder, natural disaster, accidental nuclear war, y2k computer disasters, or any of the other cool stuff they'd been promising us all damn year."

¤ "I wish I were more of a real person sometimes.  Less prone to solitary contemplation and more motivated to engage in actual human interaction, with all of its positive and negative consequences it entails.  But it's so much easier to just continue on as I have been, for the last few years, putting off everything, planning to begin living a real life once I have the money to do so, as if money would really change my personality; and as if I'm doing anything to obtain said money."
-- Me in late February, 2003... but no more!

¤ "You'd bitch if you was hung with a new rope!"
-- Old saying my grandparents were fond of.  Yes, the sarcasm/irony is intentional.

Anonymous quotes
¤ "Never argue with an idiot. They’ll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

¤ "If you were somebody else, would you want to be friends with you?"

¤ "There is a wonderful law of nature that the three things we crave most -- happiness, freedom, and peace of mind -- are always attained by giving them to someone else."

¤ "Forgiveness is of high value, yet it costs nothing."

¤ "The rich would have to eat money if the poor did not provide food."
--Russian proverb

¤ "Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was."

¤ "Writing is a lot like sex. At first you do it because you like it. Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like. But if you're any good at all...you end up doing it for money."

¤ "Good luck is often with the man who doesn't include it in his plans."

¤ "One reason the dog has so many friends: He wags his tail instead of his tongue."

¤ "Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant."

¤ "So for several hundred years the various Christian churches celebrated the birthday of their savior on different dates. The eastern churches generally kept it on January 6th, where it remains for some and which is now the Epiphany. Other churches chose April 24th or 25th; and some placed it in May. It was not until 354 CE that December 25th was chosen as the anniversary of the birthday of the Christ."
-- The Reason for the Season indeed.

¤ "And really, what's all this shit about the fireman being heroes? That's their job, to be heroes. That's why they signed up. Once a month you go run into a burning building and grab a cat and the rest of the time you sit in the firehouse and play cards."
-- Anne, 31, ad sales exec in NYC

¤ "I will try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a prospective commencement speaker. 'Think of yourself as the body at an Irish wake.' he said. 'They need you in order to have the party, but no one expects you to say very much.'"

¤ "Hey, don't you think they should have noticed that press release urging people to have sex with barnyard animals by now?"
-- An IRC user, several hours after the RIAA site was hacked

¤ "He [George Bush Jr.] was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple."

¤ "The first rule of holes: When you're in one, stop digging."

¤ "If you drink enough wine, it doesn't matter how bad it is."

¤ The 3000-year history of alternative medicine in 30 seconds:

1000 BCE: "Eat this root."
100 CE: "That root's heathen, don't eat it. Say this prayer."
1800 CE: "That prayer is superstition, don't say it. Drink this snake-oil."
1900 CE: "That snake-oil is phony, don't drink it. Take this pill."
2003 CE: "That pill is artificial, don't take it. Eat this root.

¤ "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

¤ "Men lie to get us in bed, women lie to get out."
-- A woman I once knew

A Quotes

¤ "When eating an elephant take one bite at a time."
-- General Creighton W. Abrams

Douglas Adams
¤ "The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all his customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who by peddling second-hand, second-rate technology, led them all into it in the first place."
--Douglas Adams

¤ "The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end."
--Douglas Adams

¤ "Her features did not seem to know the value of teamwork."
-- George Ade

¤ "You can be seriously disfigured or whatever and women will still be attracted to you."
-- Ben Affleck, on the benefits of fame

¤ "The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it."
-- James Agate

¤ "Omigod you guys, I seriously do not have a speech prepared whatsoever."
-- Christina Aguilera, at the Grammys

¤ "If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
--Catherine Aird

¤ "Fame is a pearl many dive for and only a few bring up. Even when they do, it is not perfect, and they sigh for more, and lose better things in struggling for them."
--Louisa May Alcott US novelist

¤ "He's been very talkative. But it is usually under oath."
--Sandy Alderson, Oakland A's GM, on Albert Belle

¤ "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I just beat people up"
--Muhammad Ali

Fred Allen
¤ "A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better."
--Fred Allen

¤ "Medicine men used to come to my town when I was a boy.  They'd come rattling down the street in a wagon and pull up in front of the courthouse steps.  Then they'd lower the tailboard and a funny fellow would step out and crack a few jokes.  But as soon as the crowd of gaping yokels had gathered, the wit would launch into his sales pitch for Mother Bloater's elixir.  Television is a tailboard lowered into the living room."
-- Fred Allen

¤ "Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart."
-- Fred Allen

Woody Allen
¤ "More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
-- Woody Allen, circa 2000

¤ "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
-- Woody Allen

¤ "She is a splendid girl in terms of purity and goodness.  Her case of possession by the Devil is terrible."
-- Father Gabriele Amorth, on a 19 year old Vatican visitor who appeared to be possessed. Exorcisms attempted by both Amorth and the Pope were unsuccessful.

¤ "The supply of misery, pain, and suffering is unlimited. But so is the supply of pleasure, contentment, and fulfillment. It is we who do the rationing."
--Greg Anderson

¤ "There's one word that describes baseball -- 'You never know.'"
--Joquin Andujar

¤ "Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up."
--John A. Appleman

Aristotle:
¤ "If things do not turn out as we wish, we should wish for them as they turn out."
--Aristotle

¤ "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."
--Aristotle

¤ "I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats.  I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
-- Neil Armstrong

¤ "The American president prefers the classic style of shoe in calfskin, while the Iraqi leader is more adventurous, using various skins and materials."
-- Shoemaker Vito Artioli, on selling his Italian leather shoes to both George Bush and Saddam Hussein

¤ "Civilized people--Muslims, Christians and Jews--all understand that the source of freedom and human dignity is the Creator. Civilized people of all religious faiths are called to the defense of His creation. We are a nation called to defend freedom--a freedom that is not the grant of any government or document, but is our endowment from God."
-- John Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States

¤ "Scientists and other rationalists are used to dealing with the universe, which fights fair. Faced with a mystic who does not, they find themselves maneuvered into believing nonsense and, in the end, making fools of themselves. Magicians, on the other hand, know what to watch for, are experienced enough not to be misdirected, and are not impressed by the apparently supernatural. That's why mystics generally won't perform if they know magicians are in the audience."
-- Issac Asimov

¤ "When I was a boy, my family took great care with our snapshots.  We really planned them.  We made compositions.  We posed in front of expensive cars, homes that weren't ours.  We borrowed dogs.  Almost every family picture taken of us when I was young had a different borrowed dog in it."
-- Richard Avedon

¤ "Your fearless leader's [Bush] college transcript is available online; he never scored above a "C." Do you think that agonized, brow-furred expression he gets is evidence of intelligence and deep thought? My dog gets the same look when someone hides his tennis ball."
--AzulitaSola, in a forum comment on the Guardian UK

B Quotes

¤ "We do not play baseball. We play professional baseball. Amateurs play games. We are paid to win games. There are rules, and there are consequences if you break them. If you are a pro, then you often don't decide whether to cheat based on whether it's 'right or wrong.' You base it on whether or not you can get away with it, and what the penalty might be. A guy who cheats in a friendly game of cards is a cheater. A pro who throws a spitball to support his family is a competitor."
– George Bamberger

¤ "The baffling part of this [Goth wannabe vampires doing what they do] is that the modern "vampires" are claiming kinship not with the vampire that our ancestors actually believed in but with the fictional vampire derived from that one. This is like somebody claiming to be related to Rhett Butler in the movie Gone with the Wind. 'You mean Clark Gable,' you say. 'No, no: Rhett Butler. You know, the character in the movie. He's my cousin.'"
-- Paul Barber

Charles Barkley
¤ "My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character."
-- Charles Barkley on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating

¤ "I figure if I kill the first one, word will get out."
-- Charles Barkley, on handling his 12 y/o daughter's boyfriends

¤ "I regret we weren't on a higher floor."
-- Charles Barkley, expressing his one regret to the judge at his trial for throwing a heckler through the window of a night club

¤ "The secret of happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does."
--James M. Barrie

¤ "She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered."
-- James Matthew Barrie

¤ "Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial."
-- Sydney Biddle Barrows

¤ "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

¤ "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

¤ "All I want is the best of everything, and there's very little of that left."
-- Cecil Beaton

¤ "I'd rather ride down the street on a camel than give what is sometimes called an in-depth interview.  I'd rather ride down the street on a camel nude.  In a snowstorm.  Backward."
-- Warren Beatty

¤ "David Lloyd George did not care in which direction the car was traveling, so long as he remained in the driver's seat."
-- Lord Beaverbrook

¤ "Dogs are dogs, they do the same thing everywhere... It's just that there are no dogs in China because they eat them."
-- Claude Bebear, president of Paris' Olympic bid, responding to China's comments that rabid dogs make Paris too dangerous and dirty

¤ "What can you do with it?  It's like a lot of yaks jumping about."
-- Sir Thomas Beecham, on Beethoven's 7th symphony (Today is Beethoven's Birthday.)

Henry Ward Beecher
¤ "It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hard put more upon a man than he can bear. Worry is rust upon the blade. It is not the revolution that destroys the machinery, but the friction. Fear secrets acids; but love and trust are sweet juices."
--Henry Ward Beecher

¤ "A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road."
--Henry Ward Beecher

¤ "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less."
-- Brendon Behan

¤ "They murmured as they took in their fees, 'There is no cure for this disease.'"
-- Hilaire Belloc

¤ "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Ambrose Bierce
¤ "In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first."
-- Ambrose Bierce

¤ "Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
-- Ambrose Bierce

¤ "What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it."
-- Ambrose Bierce

¤ "Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so."
-- Josh Billings

¤ "A valentine to Mike Tyson:
Bloody noses are red
facial bruises are blue
I'm writing these words
a safe distance from you."
-- B. Blitt in Entertainment Weakly

¤ "Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future."
--Niels Bohr

¤ "I write to discover what I think."
-- Daniel Boorstin

¤ "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."
--Elayne Boosler

¤ "The greatest weakness of all is the great fear of appearing weak."
--Jacques Benigne Bossuet

¤ "He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
-- Victor Borge

¤ "I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct."
-- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian's last words

¤ "The trouble with our Texas Baptists is that we do not hold them under water long enough."
--Texas Newspaperman William Brann

¤ "You mix two jiggers of scotch to one jigger of Metrecal. So far I've lost five pounds and my driver's license."
--Rocky Bridges, minor league manager, on his new diet drink

¤ "I prefer fast food."
--Rocky Bridges, on why he won't eat snails

¤ "I don't know whether the world is full of smart men bluffing or imbeciles who mean it."
--Morrie Brickman

¤ "My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
--Ashleigh Brilliant

¤ "Be kind to unkind people; they probably need it the most."
--Ashleigh Brilliant

¤ "The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news, we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were."
-- David Brinkley

¤ "A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a joke or worried to death by a frown on the right person's brow."
--Charles Brower

¤ "I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
-- A. Whitney Brown

¤ "My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there are praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share."
-- Rita Mae Brown

¤ "You would think that those who are always talking about family values would want to create an environment of permanent relationships for people of the same sex. But they're not advocating family values. They're advocating their values."
--Mayor Willie Brown, San Francisco, 2002

¤ "All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world was tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover."
--Lenny Bruce

¤ "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
--Derek Bruce

¤ "I worship the quicksand he walks in."
-- Art Buchwald

¤ "While the West is busy erecting Holocaust museums, it has failed to study the history that produced it."
-- Pat Buchanon, in his new book A Republic, not an Empire, which asserts that Nazi Germany posed no threat to the US after 1940 and questions whether Hitler was driven to war with the West

¤ "If you want a place in the sun you've got to put up with a few blisters."
--Abigail Van Buren

George Bush I & II
More quotes and commentary on Dubya.

¤ "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
-- President George Bush, Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003

¤ "Reporter: What we've learned from these memos this week is that the Department of Justice lawyers and the Pentagon lawyers have essentially worked out a way that U.S. officials can torture detainees without running afoul of the law. So when you say that you want the U.S. to adhere to international and U.S. laws, that's not very comforting. This is a moral question: Is torture ever justified?

¤ "I was not prepared to shoot my eardrum out with a shotgun in order to get a deferment. Nor was I willing to go to Canada. So I chose to better myself by learning how to fly airplanes."
-- George Bush II, to the Dallas Morning News in 1990, speaking of his Vietnam-era activities.

¤ "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
-- George Bush II, May 19, 2003

¤ "With which country?"
-- George Bush II, when asked by the press corps about going to war, January 2003

¤ "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
-- George Bush II

¤ "I do not like broccoli and I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States, and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
-- George Bush I

Samuel Butler
¤ "The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself, too."
--Samuel Butler

¤ "When I was there, I found their jokes like their roads -- very long and not very good, leading to a little tin point of a spire which has been remorselessly obvious for miles without seeming to get any nearer."
-- Samuel Butler, speaking of Canada

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