• I posted with some amazement about the incredible growing federal budget deficit yesterday, and today there's an interesting post with a pretty graph that projects future deficits based on the tax and budget info in this year's proposed budget.  It's even more depressing.  Borderline insane.  What can Bush's people be thinking?  (Yes, it's largely rhetorical.)

• Very funny and cruel post about the Creationist student recommendation letter controversy, with a hilarious parody of said letter, from a "blame the professor" point of view.

This is Eustace. I've taught him biology for three years and he still believes in Creationism. If you fancy having a go at turning him into a doctor, be my guest. I daresay I'll be sending you another crop of students of this calibre in twelve months' time. Do you know, when I was little, I wanted to be a lumberjack? Funny the way things turn out.

Best Regards, Joe Bob.

Relationships and human desires are funny things.  Yes, I realize that this is news to exactly no one, and that 90% of all human creative endeavor (if a blog can be classified as such) is driven by or for a relationship, or a desire for one, or as a reaction to one.

So, hypothetically speaking, there's a woman (or man as the case may be) you've recently met who is really great to talk with.  Looks good, intelligent, you share interests, etc.  You've talked a lot, either face to face or perhaps over ICQ *cough*, and get along well.  How does romance begin?  What is the difference between someone you want to be friends with, and someone you want to be naked with?

I don't really know the answer to that. I think that, like most men, I'm probably open to sex with virtually any human female, assuming she meets various minimal requirements (A pulse and an even number of limbs.  Well actually, I'm prepared to be flexible on the limbs part.) That's not to say that I/we look at every woman with a sexual appraisal, since after all, some women are very fat and/or very old.  And there's also a difference between "open to sex" and "willing to pursue it".  I've known a lot of women socially, at work or school or wherever that if they'd suddenly been all over me, I would have been willing to do my part, but that I wasn't interested enough in to initiate anything.  This is true for most men about most women.  I mean even the horniest man can't possibly pursue every woman he ever meets.  Can he?

By "open to sex" I mean that pretty much any woman I like well enough to take the time to talk to socially, I'm pretty likely to be willing to have sex with.  That does not in any way mean that I want to date or have a relationship with her, or that I'm thinking about how to get her into the sack.  It's just that if she were somehow magically horny for me, and there were no adverse consequences, I would most likely be up to the task.

Like the old joke goes:

Woman: Did you ever sleep with any of my friends before we were a couple?

Man: Just Jennifer.

Woman: Jennifer?  But you don't even like her!?

Man: Well no. *confused* What's that got to do with it?

I don't think men have very solid lines between "friend" and "lover". Mostly men are friends with women they can't be lovers with, and 98% of the time the reason that they can't be lovers is because the woman won't let them. (This is assuming the man isn't married, not that it changes the male psychology a whole lot if he is, it's just the worry about legal ramifications if the wife finds out that mostly curbs his behavior.) Either she doesn't fancy him, or she's married, or lives far away, or whatever. Far less often does the man agree with her disinterest, and then there's that miniscule percentage of cases where the woman does and the man doesn't.

I actually was in one of those years ago, and my desire to not screw was entirely because the girl was way too freaky and needy and I didn't want to get any more involved with her than I was, being as she was breaking up with a long time boyfriend and calling me at like 1 in the morning with tears in her voice and never wanting to get off of the phone.  Plus she wasn't sexually attractive to me.  And all that being said, if she'd been just slightly less needy and weird, I still would have done her.

I thought this was fairly accepted male psychological profiling, but as I'm writing it I've been quoting some bits to a female friend online, and she's been disagreeing.  She says that men don't want to have sex with most of their female friends, but hadn't really given it any thought, since when I pressed her for specifics, she didn't have any.  I finally clarified it down to this.

Me: The fact that virtually every guy you ever know while dating was dying eager to fuck you... You think you're special, and how men felt about you isn't how they feel about other women?

Or you think that once they're in a relationship they lose that inherent male horniness?

Her: ...

Me: So do you think that most men aren't that horny, that they aren't interested in just shagging anyone they can get away with shagging, and that it's not 98%, it's like what, 50%? 25%? 10%? of men who feel like that?

And that the rest are selective and see sex as part of a romance and not just something fun to do when they can?

Her: I couldn't begin to guess %

Me: Well you disagree with 98%, so you clearly think it's less. A lot less? Give me a ballpark figure, I'm begging you.

Her: 3

Her: 27.6%

Me: Well, you'll be off the debate team if you're going to choke under pressure like that. 

Her: I'm not debating.

Me: I gave my initial theory, and you disagreed. but you can't say why you disagree, or with which part you disagree, or to what degree you disagree?

Her: I am saying that 98% of the men that I have been friends with would not shag anything remotely attractive if it didn't think they'd get caught or it would kill someone or whatever it is you said.

In my experience I would say it was much less, maybe 60% if you insist on having a percentage.

But she then went on to say that she'd known guys socially who had chances to score with women in bars, but went home alone since they didn't see anyone they cared enough to be interested in.  That's a good point, but it's not really what I'm asking.  However as I look at my argument, I see that I'm probably constructing too much of a fantasy situation.  If there was opportunity and if there were no consequences and if she were willing, etc.

That's like asking if a person is a thief and the situation is that they are poor, and find a bunch of money dropped by a drug dealer who just got gunned down by the police.  Do they turn it in? Dealer is dead.  Cops have plenty of drugs for evidence. People who paid the money got their crack for it fair and square.  If you could someone give it back to them they'd just buy more crack with it.  All factors stack against returning it/towards the person being, technically, a thief.

The extenuating circumstances are too weighted for it to be a fair discussion, is what I mean.

And this has gone way off target.  That's what I get for asking a female PoV on things.  Girls just confuse the issue.  Bah. Bleh. Etc.

Anyway, where I was initially going was love, and desire. Falling in love is a process that I don't understand at all. How does it begin? When does it begin?  How often is it mutual?

I have never been in love, that I'm aware of.  I mean I liked my kitty an awful lot when I was 7, but as an adult, directed at an adult woman, no. I asked the same issue-confusing female friend quoted above what love was, and she said:

You can't eat or sleep, you think about them constantly and the thought of never seeing them makes you break out in a cold sweat. Those are some symptoms that you're just not after a shag, but not initially as you feel that way about anyone you fancy, I think.

I've felt infatuated a number of times, always when I was first dating someone or getting to know someone.  I wanted to spend every minute with her, or talk to her on the phone. I wanted to be with her more than anything else. Not sexually, necessarily, just to be in her presence, to talk or just sit and watch a movie.  The time we were apart was distraction and impatience. I never got so far as cold sweats, but you get the idea.

And I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, since most likely every single person reading it has a lot more experience with this feeling than I do.

However, note the last sentence of the above quote.  "But not initially as you feel that way about anyone you fancy"  Which sums me up quite well.  I'd always feel that, usually after we first spent a lot of time together, or had sex. Whatever, to make a stronger connection than we ever had before.  For me it generally lasted a few days or weeks, but would always fade.  Possibly reappear after another date, but if we were apart for more than a few days or a week, I'd go back to just thinking fondly of her, but nothing more than that.  No real emotional pull.  I'd still enjoy being with her, but there wasn't a desperate despondency when alone, and therefore I wouldn't feel any real push to keep after her.

What I guess love is is when it keeps on feeling that way for a long time.  Or at least a longer time, and you enjoy that, and want more of it.  I was always somewhat torn by "are the highs worth the lows?" when thinking about it objectively, which was possible in between relationships.  When I was in one I was obviously thinking it was well worth it.

What brings this all up is a female friend.  That's "friend".  Not "lover".  She is looking for love, looking for a man to be a husband and father, and I don't know how a person goes about looking for that.  How do you know when the initial giddy rush of joy and excitement about the person is over, and love begins?  What if there isn't that initial rush, and you just like the person, and you want to be in love.  Do you just keep at it?  Keep spending time with them?  And hope that at some point, it's like some magical switch is clicked and you're in love?

Since I don't know what it's like to be in love in the first place, I obviously can't answer this question.  Which is why the subject interests me so.  Love seems to be just like the old Supreme Court definition of "pornography", in that it's something you can't really describe, but you know it when you see it.  Or feel it, in the case of love.

I am not in love with the female friend who is looking for love, and we're not dating and never have.  However I think a major reason for that was her telling me right up front that she was looking for a man to settle down and reproduce with, and that intimidated me, since I don't think I want that.  Would I avoid dating someone I'm interested in, someone I might "fall in love" with, since I don't want to be in love, since I don't want (marriage, kids) what that could/would lead to? Apparently so, but isn't love supposed to be the most wonderful thing ever, and that when you have it you'll sacrifice anything to keep it?  And that not only do you cease dreading a long term relationship, but you actively want it, since you're in love, there's no one you'd rather be with, so you might as well tie the knot?

Well, that's what the stories say, anyway. And that's what people who are in love/relationships always tell me.

At any rate, she's dating another guy, and trying to fall in love with him, and maybe he's trying to fall in love with her. I don't know. However let's leave aside the whole issue of what love is (which as I explained a moment ago, I can't answer) and whether you can fall into it on purpose.  I've been somewhat distracted and preoccupied and unsettled for the last 9 hours, since upon waking up (at about midnight... yes I'm weird) I had an ICQ from her saying that she was going to be spending the night with the guy, and would talk to me tomorrow.  This is the first time they've spent the night together, and initially I was like, "congrats!".  However I found myself distracted and preoccupied and unsettled, unable to concentrate on work, thinking about her, and what this overnight thing means. Wondering if I should have pressed my affections upon her a few weeks ago when she was just starting to date this guy, and wondering if it's now too late, and wondering if I regret that it probably is.

But as I knew going in, she wants to be married and have kids. I don't want to have kids, since I don't want that sort of distraction and responsibility. I view it entirely as a chore and a burden, like having a pet that's sick all the time, and one that you can't just stick in a cage with some food and ignore for 18 or 24 hours, when you've got other things to accomplish.  I've never had any interest in kids under the age of 6 or 7.  They become sort of fun then, intelligent and capable enough to feed themselves and get dressed and not make a huge mess going to the bathroom, and they go to school for most of the day and go to bed early, so you can still live your life around them, without having every second taken up by their needs. I can't see having a kid of any age living in a house with me, but then I can barely see having a woman living with me, so that's not surprising.  But especially a baby, I don't see any way I could put up with that, though I've never really considered it.  Not to mention that I make enough money to almost live on solo, and certainly couldn't provide any additional expenses, and kids cost a goddamned fortune, even if you aren't spoiling them rotten with way more toys than they'll ever play with, and $100 designer shoes they'll outgrow in 3 months, etc.

Anyway, I don't think I even want to date casually (which is why I'm not making any effort to meet women), so though I wouldn't mind living with a woman I really liked and got along with, it's not worth the effort to meet her, and get past the casual dating stage.  On top of that, I really don't want to have a baby in the house, much less my own, nor do I want to get a real job to be able to afford any of the aforementioned things.

That being said, why does it bother me so much that she's spending the night with the maybe-bf?

I wish I were more of a real person sometimes.  Less prone to solitary contemplation and more motivated to engage in actual human interaction, with all of its positive and negative consequences it entails.  But it's so much easier to just continue on as I have been, for the last few years, putting off everything, planning to begin living a real life once I have the money to do so, as if money would really change my personality, and as if I'm doing anything to obtain said money.

As I said to the other female friend, the one quoted above:

Me: So I'll just mope and despair and bitch, and hope for a mercy hummer.

Her: I won't pity you.

Me: Okay, well honestly, I'd settle for just the hummer.

Yes, humor to mask the pain...

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