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Doesn't that make you want to slap him until his pale, hollow cheeks are crimson red, and then ship him off to military school? If not, check out the band picture, where everyone has their eyes closed, while arranged perfectly, and trying so hard to look solemn and thoughtful. The band name is annoying, and yet appropriate. A "wallflower" is a painfully shy person who attends the big dance or event, but is too bashful to get involved. Oh, don't we just feel so sorry for poor little Jakob now? Maybe daddy will love him, one day. Bonus points are deducted as a form of tough love.
Warrant
Glam metal was different, and after building up to where any
idiot band with long hair and a few gratuitous
power ballads could go double platinum, it all came crashing down in the
early 90's when real hard rock/metal returned. Lots of the glam
bands tried to adapt, few succeeded, and most music fans were glad to
see them go. The main problem with the fad music bands is that
they never have the objectivity to see that they are good for 2 or
possibly 3 albums, and after that it's all going to die. So they
spend the money faster than it comes in on blow and whores and
motorcycles, and when they inevitably release their 4th album to
universal disinterest, they haven't saved up $3m to live on for 10 years
until some sort of revival enables them to tour again. So they
make a pathetic spectacle of themselves trying to adapt to the new style
of music, or else make an even more pathetic spectacle refusing to adapt
at all and trying to continue with their dead sound. Warrant lose a
point for refusing to realize it was over. Warrant isn't a bad name for a pop metal band. It sums up the
whole half assed outlaw image pretty well, like there is a
"warrant" out for their arrest, and that's what those bands
needed to appeal to the suburban kids who were buying their noise for a
short period of time. W.A.S.P.
They were largely famous for their stage shows, which of course got
greatly-exaggerated in the retelling. They would wear lots of make
up and hair spray and have faux-Satanic sets and a model chained to a
big cross and throw raw meat into the crowd. Not all that bad, but the
gimmick wore off pretty quickly. It's always a big plus to be
boycotted and protested, since that just makes the kids more interested
in your sound, or at least your t-shirts which they can wear to piss off
their parents. The name is sort of dumb, I mean there is a long history of metal
bands using insects for a name, but I've never really seen the point
myself. Are bugs cool somewhere? W.A.S.P. tried to go that
tactic one better by having just the initials, which of course generated
endless speculation as to what they stood for. The most common
rumor is We Are Sexual Perverts, which is just not all that cool, unless
you're like 12 or very easily-impressed. At least work in some
profanity, guys. Their first album was called Fuck Like a Beast,
and the lead singer was named Blackie Lawless, so you'd think they could
have come up with something a bit more evil for the band initials. Wham!
Wham!'s music was happy, mindless pop, and with their clean cut image
and hooky, unimportant songs, they did at least some work on the road
that boy bands would come merrily skipping along a few years
later. Their biggest hit was Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.
Yes, "Go Go". Not just "Go", but "Go
Go". They didn't just say that in the lyrics, that was the actual
name of the song. That should tell you all you need to know about their
deeper nature (they didn't have one). The name is what it seems to be. A sound effect, one that connotes a
bang or explosion, or burst of energy. Note that there is actually
an exclamation point on it, as part of the name. How frickin'
cute. The ! caps it off nicely, giving them a real pop
imprint. You can imagine "Wham" as a name for a variety
of types of bands, but "Wham!" can't be anything but
pop. The name is annoying, yes, but appropriate. The name is, as
mentioned, amazingly inappropriate, hence the low score. However
since his name is more or less synonymous with "time for hot
sex", I can't help but shovel on a few bonus
points. Weezer
They then vanished again, and everyone thought their string of luck
had run out. Everyone including their record company, which
rejected the songs they put together for their next album, since they
didn't sound like the same hooky fluff as the last big seller. The ironic part is that the tracks all leaked onto the Internet and
started getting some radio play, and people liked them. I must
admit that I even like them, and I had dismissed the band entirely as a
wimpy novelty alternative band of the sort I'd never admit to enjoying
guiltily. They get a bonus point for being unpredictable. The name is pretty crappy though, no matter how you look at it.
It's lacking an "H", and sounds like a nickname a child would
give to his grandfather's asthmatic hound. While there may be some
overlap between good names for sick dogs and rock bands, I'm not aware
of any. Their name is not much. The point of most boy band names is to
scream, "boy band" immediately. They almost always
actually include the word "boy" in them, just to be
doubly-sure no one is in any doubt as to their inauthenticity. These
guys are from Dublin, which is on the east coast of Ireland, but on the
west side of the Irish sea. That might be where they
got the name, or it could be something else entirely. Not that it really
matters. Coverdale was best known for
wanting desperately to be Robert Plant. Much of his music sounded just like Led
Zeppelin, and using his Whitesnake fame he even managed to do a record with
Jimmy Page, the famous Led Zeppelin guitarist. It sucked, by all accounts. The name is pretty good for a
metal band. It's got a sorta-sexual connotation and reptiles are always good
choices for rock band names. It's surprising they didn't choose to copy
Zep in their name as well, but perhaps Coverdale thought "Zinc
Dirigible" would be pushing his luck? White
Lion
Their real crime was their poster-child display of all that's wrong with
thematically linked band names and album titles. Their first album, which
no one bought, was entited Fight to Survive,
which isn't that bad. However they followed that up with Pride,
Big Game, and Mane Attraction, degenerating all the way
past mere lion-references, and sinking into the realm of bad puns with
lion references. If they make a comeback album entitled Roaring Back they can be killed with
impunity. No jury would
ever convict you of the crime with such readily-available exculpatory
evidence. For this bonus points are extracted. Their name isn't awful for a glam metal band, though it's a bit wimpy.
Whitesnake is pushing it, but white lion is just that much wimpier. I can easily
imagine a girls' toy, "My Little Lion" with a character named
this. You can bet he'd have big sparkly eyes and a lustrous flowing mane. The Who
They grew to enormous fame in the 70's, despite issuing a wide variety of
material and fighting constantly. The drummer was the biggest party
animal, celebrating his junkiehood in spectacular fashion, including managing to
actually drive over his chauffeur at one point. His high times finally
caught up with him in 1978
when he fatally OD'ed. Ordinarily
the loss of a drummer effects a band about as deeply as a blow amp during a
concert, but in this case Keith Moon had actually been a major part of the
band's sound and direction They were touring successful in
the US a year later when at a concert in Cincinnati the shoddy crowd control and
security resulted in eleven
fans dying and dozens more being injured in the crush to get into the
venue. The band wasn't told of the tragedy until after the concert.
How could this happen? You've not known scum until you meet some rock
promoters, and we'll just leave it at that. After this the band basically fell
apart, with the lead writer Pete Townshend becoming addicted to cocaine, heroin,
tranquilizers and alcohol (yes, all at once) and almost successfully OD'ing in
1981. Their primary legacy is of guys
who didn't know when to call it quits, since they had more reunion tours than a
hydra has heads. They broke up in the early 80's, reunited for Live Aid in
1985, a British music awards show in 1988, a full 25th anniversary tour in 1989,
two concerts in 1994, the Prince's Trust concert in 1996 and a following
American tour, another oldies tour the next year, a WTC/NYC benefit show in
2001, and were going to tour the US again in 2002 when they were finally stopped
by bassist John Entwhistle dropping dead in the Vegas Hard Rock Hotel. He
was 57, or 413 in rock star years. There are so many potential
bonus points in their history that it's hard to know where to begin
tabulation. In fact they're going to join Mφtley
Crόe and The
Rolling Stones with at least part of their profile being excluded from the
tally, due to it being unrankably high. We'll give them one just out of
sympathy for the unfairness of it all. As for the band, the name is
pretty clever, though
somewhat reminiscent of the famous Abbott and Costello Who's on First?
routine. That's not exactly rock and roll, but at least it's a memorable
name, though not one that gives any indication of their type of music. Winger
Winger was fronted by a guy who gave it the name, Kip Winger. Yes,
"Kip". Good name for a Yorkie, not so good for a would be rock
god. Like almost all hair metal bands, they vanished without a trace about
1993. Their band picture says it all; put that
one in a time-capsule for the future, if you ever need some "what not to
ever look like" guidelines. The name is pretty lame. Eponymous bands don't often score very well,
and this one is no exception. If you're going to be eponymous, you'd
better have a good name. And aside from Van Halen, virtually no one ever has.
Will
Smith
Will hasn't just been a goofy dope in the movies, like he was on TV.
He's somehow become an accepted action star, playing cops and guys who save the
world, despite having the physique of Urkle. Then again, we're supposed to
accept Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and the 70 year old Harrison Ford as action stars
these days, so featherweight Will Smith isn't such a stretch in that
light. He's pumped up lately anyhow, enough to pass as a skinny Muhammad
Ali, at least. Will's music is much as it ever was. Light, comedic rap, with catchy
beats. Nothing to get any street cred, but good enough to sell albums to
the kids who buy Top 40 junk. For names, he has two to evaluate. "Fresh Prince" sounds
ridiculous now, but in the 80's when he was using it, it wasn't bad. His
teachers allegedly nicknamed him "Prince" when he was in grade school
since he was such a smooth-talker and so charming. I associate Princes more with
being snotty, pampered, obnoxious, snotty brats hated by all behind their backs,
but perhaps royalty has a different reputation in Will's homeland. As for "fresh," it was the word of the day in the early rap days of the 80's, and putting it into your name
was an act of hubris, but one that was almost expected of a rapper.
"Will Smith" is just boring. Obviously he's become famous and
there's no point in making up a new stage name for his occasional rap work, and
he's outgrown being Fresh or a Prince, so you can hardly blame him for the lack
of imagination at this point. Stevie
Wonder
He is also quite valuable as a permanent punch line whenever a friend or
celebrity needs to be brought down a notch for their sartorial choices.
Targets for this sort of lame joke have come to include the man himself, what
with the braids and increasingly-painful pseudo-African garb his handlers have
been rolling him into over the past decade. He gets a bonus point for being the
most famous blind person on earth. As for the name, it's a stage name. He was born "Steven
Morris" which isn't an awful name, but it's not much of a Motown star
title. He kept the Steve part, spiced it up a little, and picked the rock
star-esque "Wonder" for a last name. It's not the best name in
history, but it's not bad. Wu
Tang Clan
Rappers have by far the most comical names in music today, all thinking up
ridiculous pseudonyms, most of them marked by intentional misspellings and pretensions
of fame and violence. The nine original guys in Wu Tang go
by: the RZA (formerly Prince Rakeem, as well as the Rzarecta, Chief Abbot,
and Bobby Steels; b. Robert Diggs), Genius/GZA (a.k.a. Justice, Maxi Million; b.
Gary Grice), Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Unique Ason, Joe Bannanas, Dirt McGirt, Dirt
Dog, Osirus; b. Russell Jones, circa 1969), Method Man (aka Johnny Blaze,
Ticallion Stallion, Shakwon, Methical, the MZA; b. Clifford Smith), Raekwon the
Chef (aka Shallah Raekwon, Lou Diamonds; b. Corey Woods), Ghostface Killah (aka
Tony Starks, Sun God; b. Dennis Coles), U-God (aka Golden Arms, Lucky Hands,
Baby U, 4-Bar Killer; b. Lamont Hawkins), Inspectah Deck (aka Rebel INS, Rollie
Fingers; b. Jason Hunter), and Masta Killa (aka Noodles; b. Elgin Turner).
Yers.
Anyway, they have so many arrests and various legal issues that it's tempting
to slather them with enough bonus points to momentarily extinguish the bonfires
of cannabis they generally kept well tended. We'll content ourselves with
just one point for Ol' Dirty Bastard. Besides having the best name of any
of them, ODB has been arrested dozens of times. His criminal career
highlight (so far) is escaping from a California rehab center with just a few weeks left on his sentence,
spending a month
on the run, showing up at the Wu Tang Clan record release party in NYC, dodging
the cops there, only to get arrested in Philly shortly afterwards. He got
2-4 years in state prison for his escapade, proving once again that the best way
to turn a potential 50 year sentence into a slap on the wrist is to be rich and
famous.
The name is hard to even rate. Just going by "Wu Tang Clan",
and ignoring the dozens of individual, generally idiotic aliases, the score
isn't too bad. True, it sounds like "Poontang Clan" which is probably
the name of a gang of whores in Ho Chi Minh City, but apparently these ghetto
guys have some whole fantasy thing going with ninja swords and martial arts (the
punching people in the face type, not the Tai Chi meditative type, of course)
and their name is relatively appropriate for that.
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