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Bands on this page:

The Talking Heads
Tears For Fears
Ted Nugent
Temple of the Dog
Tenacious D
They Might Be Giants
Third Eye Blind
Tiffany
The Toadies

Toad the Wet Sprocket
Tool
The Traveling Wilburys
Travis
A Tribe Called Quest
The Tubes
Shania Twain
Twisted Sister
Type O Negative

Send feedback here.  Use this address to submit new bands for ranking; include any information you feel is relevant to their scoring and bonus points. You may also bitch/cheer about current rankings, this page in general, or just ask what's wrong with a flaming lowercase "t".

The Talking Heads

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 6
One of the more interesting bands of the 80's, these guys are very hard to classify.  They have catchy pop songs, but always with a variety of world beats and tons of instruments.  There is the basic quartet, but also a whole African rhythm section, horns, brass, and just all sorts of miscellaneous musicians standing around behind them and beating on rocks or something.  God knows what all.

They also created one of the all time classic videos for Burning Down the House.  It introduced the technique of projecting a movie onto odd surfaces, and in the video you see various group member's heads talking or singing and shining on walls or the street or other people's faces.  (Talking heads, get it?) The classic scene though is when they're performing and they have midgets dressed just like them, like tiny little doppelgangers, and after a minute the midgets are climbing all over them, like they were human trees.  It's damn bizarre.  Tragically, I can not find a picture of that anywhere.  What the hell good is the Internet with such a glaring omission?

As for the name it's not bad.  It does sound like a rock band, at least. I'd assume it's referencing news casters, who are often derisively referred to as "talking heads". Sort of a quirky name for a quirky band.

 

Tears for Fears

Genre: Pop
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 6
Mopey band popular in the 80's, when big soft poofy hair was all the rage, and men could stumble around their music videos looking suicidal and wearing eye liner, and still be considered cool. Their best known song was from The Breakfast Club, a movie that pretty well encapsulated the whole 80's teen thing, where it was all about being mopey and misunderstood, while rebelling in some minor way.  Body piercing and green hair dye weren't so readily-available back then, you see.

The name is derived from Arthur Janov's primal scream therapy, if that's an odd enough concept for you.  I.E. you'd scream and release your pain and cry about your deepest fears.  Given the synth-heavy, wimpy sound these guys played with, it seems a colossally-inaccurate name origin, eh?  It's still a pretty good rock band name though.

 

Ted Nugent

Genre: Metal
Name Score: 3
Bonus Points: -1
Total Score: 2
Yes, he's become an utter buffoon in later years, what with all the "I kill animals with cave man weaponry" stuff, but in the old days he was quite the guitar-mangling rock star.  His most famous composition was probably Cat Scratch Fever, which is one of the best names for a guitar-heavy song in human history. 

He's shown an unfortunate tendency to name his albums thematically, as evidenced by 1971's Survival of the Fittest, 1973's Call of the Wild, and 1974's Tooth, Fang & Claw. He escaped that trap for a while, but eventually slipped back into it with the 1995 release Spirit of the Wild. This is never a good sign, and can be a disaster, and it costs him a point here.

As for the name, like virtually all eponymous acts, it's boring.  "Ted" is about the least rock and roll name around, while "Nugent" is equally-inappropriate.  It might work as a pun on "new gent", but with his rock and roll party animal caveman image, that's certainly not what Teddy here is going for.

 

Temple of the Dog

Genre: Grunge
Name Score: 8
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 8
A grunge "supergroup", this band was made up of members of Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden, and existed as a way to turn their spare time into heroin money, or something.  It wasn't actually a supergroup, since two of the members played in it, then went on to form Pearl Jam, and the others all achieved far more fame in other groups, later on.  There was just the one Temple of the Dog album, released in 1990, when it sold nothing.  Only a couple of years later after Pearl Jam's first album did the Temple album sell much. Ironically the whole group got together as a tribute to Andrew Wood, lead singer of Mother Love Bone, who died of a heroin overdose.  Boy, that certainly scared the whole Seattle music scene straight, huh?

The name is pretty cool.  Most everyone notices that "dog" is "god" spelled backwards at some point in their childhood, and contemplates this apparently scandalous turn of events for some time.  "Temple of the God" would be a relatively redundant title, so they chose wisely on this front.

 

Tenacious D

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 5
Bonus Points: +1
Total Score: 6
A band unlike any other.  They are two guys, Kyle Gass who is fat, bald, pushing 40, and a classically-trained guitarist.  Jack Black is the lead vocalist and rhythm guitarist, and he's unshaven, pudgy, and manic. Their music is mostly acoustic guitar, sometimes with drum back up, often just one guitar, seldom any electric, no keyboards, no synthesizers, and they don't usually have catchy choruses or verses.  Instead their lyrics tell stories about fantastic events, often involving Satan. Sound like a rock band yet?

Despite their mongrel pedigree, they have become hugely popular, at least among their own cult of fans.  Jack Black has become something of a successful actor, most recently starring in Orange County, though apparently he just plays himself in everything, sort of a later day John Belushi.

Their official page has quite a bit of music, especially in the videos section, including the Internet legend Fuck Her Gently, which may be the best music video in the history of mankind.  Only appropriate for the Greatest Rock Band on Earth, after all.  For this a bonus point must be awarded.

Their name is a sports term, with "D" short for "defense". What that has to do with rock and roll or guitars or their type of music or humorously-Satanic imagery is unclear.

 

They Might Be Giants

Genre: Alternative
Name Score: 7
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 7
Novelty sort of pop band who were briefly popular in the late 80's.  Their style of alternative was never as popular as the really big bands, but they were very popular in college radio for many years, and crafted some rather infectious hits.  I defy you to listen to even 30 seconds of Istanbul (Not Constantinople) and not have that goddamned chorus running through your head for the next 7 years.

It was Istanbul not Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople
Been a long time gone since Constantinople

Their name is pretty cute 'n clever, as you've no doubt noticed yourself.  Ordinarily we would be somewhat repulsed by such a precious title, but it just fits with their quirky little tunes so well that it melts our shriveled, blackened hearts.

 

Third Eye Blind

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: +1
Total Score: 7
Unlike a lot of other college radio-friendly bands, Third Eye Blind have a very unique, distinctive sound, interesting band members with individual personalities, and even witty lyrics.  These qualities combine to give them a certain something those other sound-alike groups can't hope to match, as their legions of rabid, yet discerning, fans are eager to point out.  For this a bonus point is awarded.

Their name is pretty good, for a rock band. It refers to the supposed "third eye", which is held to be a way to view things psychically, with an eye in the forehead.  Various mythologies (Eastern, mostly) hold that pressure points intersect in the forehead, and it's a sort of gateway to a sixth sense.  Etc.  They smoke a lot of hashish over there, you know.  At any rate, it's memorable and sounds like a rock band, with a bit of cutesy pretension thrown in.

 

Tiffany

Genre: Pop
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: -3, +1
Total Score: 4
For a time in the 80's, long before the slut-pop of Britney and Shakira and Christina came to be the way of things for teen rock, there was Tiffany, and Debbie Gibson. Tiffany was considered the cuter one, looking slightly less mouseketeer, though she didn't sell as many records.  Neither of them aged well, and both were gone in just a few years, primarily since they didn't hit upon the idea of dressing like strippers and singing very lightly-veiled sexual metaphors, thus failing to extend their fan base past the pre-teen female and pedophile demographics.

Perhaps Tiffany's most lasting legacy is that by giving them the opening slot on one of her tours, she launched the careers of New Kids on the Block, and by extension all the boy bands who have come since. For this several bonus points are removed from her flesh with a rusty carrot peeler.

She does get a bonus point back for a pathetically tawdry early life, including a legal battle to gain full emancipation from her mother over financial issues. 

She returned to the spotlight somewhat by posing for Playboy in 2002, but as her agent said, in one of the funniest quotes of the decade, "I want to make sure people don't perceive this as a publicity stunt. Any woman would be honored to pose for Playboy." Oddly enough most every woman I've asked about it said they have no interest in showing their titties off in Playboy, so either they're lying, or perhaps Tiffany's agent is.  Hard to believe, I know.  The only way it wasn't a publicity stunt was because it didn't work.

The whole concept of her in Playboy was a bizarre one, since she's clearly not attractive enough to be a normal model in the magazine.  So she's getting in on her celebrity, but since she hadn't released an album for a decade, and hasn't done any TV or movies (since no one would have her) either, why is she a celebrity?  Her biggest celebrity achievement of the last decade is being in Playboy; making her appearance there a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Her name is not bad.  It's her real name, Tiffany Renee Darwish, so she doesn't get any credit for thinking up a clever name.  She does get credit for using just the good part of it though; next time you think your name is dumb, contemplate being known as "Darwish".  She was really unlucky to be born about 10 years too early, since if she'd had her hit song at 16 in 1997 rather than 1987, with a stripper name, and her relatively good looks, she'd be giving Britney and the others a run for their silicone, rather than providing comic fodder for cruel website writers.

 

The Toadies

Genre: Alternative
Name Score: 2
Bonus Points: -2
Total Score: 0
Alternative band that after kicking around clubs and demo tapes for five years, seemed poised for huge success with their album Rubberneck in 1995.  The album got play entirely due to one extremely-catchy track, inexplicably-entitled Possum Kingdom.  For a song with very cool lyrics about a vampire (or possibly a delusional serial killer) trying to charm a woman into surrendering herself to him, the title is a disaster.

The other problem is that while that one song is one of the best alternative songs of all time, still getting radio play seven years later, there isn't one other song by the band that's even borderline decent.  I set out to purchase that CD three or four times, and every time I'd listen to it at Music Trader I'd groove on Possum Kingdom, and then try desperately to find even one other song that had a glimmer of promise.  I just refused to drop $8.99 on a 10 track single, and even one other half-decent song would have made it seem practical.  Needless to say, I never bought it. They have to give up a couple of bonus points for their one-hit-wonderism, as well as their horrible taste in song and album titles. There is an actual Possum Kingdom Lake in Texas, and the band is from Fort Worth, so that must be where they got the title and song inspiration (behind the boathouse).  At the same time, they need to realize that just because there is a real place named that, and it inspired the song, you don't necessarily need to hang such an awful moniker on your one good song ever.

The band name seems to illustrate a trend with the band of picking just awful names for things.  The first album was called Pleather, their second Rubberneck, their big song Possum Kingdom.  If ever a band should have just let some record company weasel rename and repackage everything, this was the time.  The only usage of "toadie" is for a low-ranking criminal, a sort of evil gofer, tolerated only for his servility and occasional dirty work usefulness.  A rather self-deprecating band name, but perhaps it has some private meaning to them.

 

Toad the Wet Sprocket

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: +1
Total Score: 7
Unlike a lot of other college radio-friendly bands, Toad the Wet Sprocket have a very unique, distinctive sound, interesting band members with individual personalities, and even witty lyrics.  These qualities combine to give them a certain something those other sound-alike groups can't hope to match, as their legions of rabid, yet discerning, fans are eager to point out.  For this a bonus point is awarded.

The name is a pretty good one.  It's stupid and silly, yet quite memorable and instantly distinctive.  Sort of a "we're so cool we can use a children's book title for our name" thing going on. The name came from a Monty Python routine about silly band names, yet it wasn't the silliest of them all, if you can believe it.  Ordinarily we'd award a bonus point for picking something inspired by Monty Python, but being as they got their silly band name from a list of silly band names, it's a bit too easy to deserve bonus credit.

 

Tool

Genre: Metal
Name Score: 5
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 5
One of the more inventive and original metal bands around, these guys have their own unique sound and are best known for the weird miniature puppet videos that launched them to stardom. At the time they broke out, most of the metal videos on Mtv were the mindless faux-concert performance spectacles bands like Poison and Warrant had down to a science. Then came Tool, with no band members pretending to play in slow motion, and no humans at all.  Just a weird little doll roaming around some huge rusting model house.  Then a year later came Prison Sex, with even weirder stop action dolls.  We looked forward to their videos, at least.

Tool has numerous songs that are really about something.  Pain, suffering, child molestation, hatred of all things LA, and more.  They've been called pretentious and pseudo-meaningful, but that's still a lot more than 97% of metal bands can aspire to.

The name is remarkably nondescript, considering how much else they've got going on.  You can look at it as a boring and pointless title, or else as an ironic commentary on themselves; not using a long and complicated/clever name when you'd expect them to do so.  The word has several meanings as well.  The most obvious one (depending on your frame of reference) is as a synonym for penis.  Considering that they've got a bunch of gay imagery on their records, that's appropriate.  "Tool" also means a manipulated victim type of person, which might tie into the miserable childhood that Maynard seems to draw inspiration from.  Whatever the case, it's not an especially good name for a rock band.

 

The Traveling Wilburys

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 6
This "supergroup" was composed of about half a dozen old musicians who would no longer even hope to sell records solo.  They first showed up on Mtv in the early 90's, prompting most people young enough to actually watch Mtv to remark, "I think that's Tom Petty, but who the hell are those other guys?"

They were Bob Dylan, Jeff Lynn, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, and George Harrison, I'll have you know.  And yes, I had to go look that up online.  The only ones I remembered were Petty and Harrison.  Bob Dylan is an odd figure for anyone under 40.  You hear all the time about how great he was and what an influence, and how he's this mysterious figure, and then you see this old guy playing warbling folk and muttering, and you wonder what the hell the hell everyone was smoking in the 60's to conclude he's any good.  (Answer: hashish with LSD chasers.)

As for the band name, aside from always making me think "dingleberries" it's not bad.  They were trying to evoke an old time traveling band feel, and did that pretty well with the title.  Given the mortality rate of these guys, I think we can pretty well rule out a reunion tour, at least this side of hell. Which is, oddly enough, the same place my second wife said she'd reunite with me.  At least we'll have some music.

 

Travis

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 2
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 2
Scotish pop band, and while that's generally the kiss of death in terms of musical quality, these guys aren't quite the top 40 faff that you've come to expect from UK of late.  They are basically Radiohead-lite, with perhaps a dash of Oasis thrown in, and while even their fans admit they aren't original, there are a lot of people who enjoy five minutes of Radiohead, and then give up out of depression.  So there is definitely a market for a peppier version of their sound.

I would have sworn I'd never heard of them, and was betting this name (one of many I had on a list of bands to add that I wasn't familiar with) was another one-name R&B/rapper, ala Nelly or Mase or Coolio.  I was obviously wrong about the type of group, and I was wrong about not having heard of them too, since I was familiar with their one big hit, Sing.  Check out the 30 sec sample of it on Amazon.com if you think you've not heard it, you may be as surprised as I was. It sounds like Jack Johnson, with a weird banjo jangly sound.  It's very out of character for them though, the one song that's not Radiohead-esque.

As for the name, do you really need me for this one?  It's pathetically weak.  The origin of it is unknown.  Rumors are they took it from the name of a character in a movie, most often said to be Travis Bickle, the "Are you talking to me?" Taxi Driver psycho played by De Niro.  Even if that's true, so what?  It would be a very inappropriate moniker for this wimpy band if it were true, and in any event, it's still a boring name for a rock band.

 

A Tribe Called Quest

Genre: Hip Hop
Name Score: 9
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 9
A jazz and rhythm-influenced rap band of the early 90's, these guys were one of the best hip hop acts of their time, and always posed as more intelligent rappers, in contrast to the, "Sucka MC" low-life ignorant style so many other artists have embraced (to much greater success).  You may insert an oxymoron joke about "intelligent rapper" if you feel the need.

Their name is a very good one, for any sort of band.  Supposedly it was given to them by the Jungle Brothers, who should probably have kept it for themselves, comparatively speaking.  The name doesn't really have any rap connotation, and would serve equally well for any group of just about any type of music.  This isn't a criticism, it's a damn good name.

 

The Tubes

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 4
Bonus Points: -1
Total Score: 3
An odd band, mostly famous for satirical personas on stage and songs poking fun at every element of popular culture. I'd always assumed they were from the UK, given the name, but nope, they're all American guys who mostly formed up in San Francisco.

My main memory of them is one hit song, She's a Beauty that had a video featuring a hot girl on a trapeze.  It used to be on Mtv every 15 minutes in about 1983, back when they (Mtv) only had like 10 total videos and no idiotic reality/dating/human crash test shows yet.  My dad actually liked this band more than I did, which costs them a point, as he's not much of a rock fan.

As for the name, it's pretty blah. First off, God there are a lot of bands with "The plural-noun" for a name.  This one is one of the less interesting titles, meaning nothing in particular.  My only connotation is the London subway system, which they call "the tube" but I don't see how that has anything to do with these guys.  The only other way you hear "tube" in conversation is when a woman gets sterilized and has her "tubes tied" but I don't see how that relates either. It does sort of sound like a rock band, but just barely.

 

Shania Twain

Genre: Country
Name Score: 4
Bonus Points: -1
Total Score: 3
We don't cover many country artists in this section, other than with this one grossly over-generalized entry.  Shania is an exception though, since she's sort of pop music styled, and because she's famous far beyond her music, for a relatively obvious reasons (one, two, three, four, five) that will become apparent with any effort to Google up her name.

As for her music, I have no idea, I've never heard a note of it, other than her singing the National Anthem at some sporting event or other.  I'm sure she's as talented as you'd expect from a very pretty woman who wears tight clothing and does lots of near nude photo shoots, while being perpetually frustrating by never showing any actual "nudity". This costs her a cock-tease point.

Her name is as boring as all the non-Country eponymous artists.  It's a name.  A woman's name.  Is she a singer or a contract lawyer?  There's no telling, from the name.

 

Twisted Sister

Genre: Glam Metal
Name Score: 7
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 7
Another hair metal band that had a good name, and not a whole lot else.  These guys were a little earlier than the real glam rock explosion, and were from NY, when most successful acts were from LA about 5 years after Twisted went under.

Front man Dee Snider was pretty much the whole band during their heyday, and besides creating a cartoonishly evil guy look, currently being inexplicably recreated by Christina Aguilera, and some goofy videos, they didn't have a whole lot to run with. Their sudden success and glam looks alienated their initial fans, and all of the new fans were bandwagon hoppers who bailed as soon as there wasn't a catchy single to engage them.

The name is a clever one.  It's vaguely-sinister and yet amusing, and even rolls off the tongue smoothly.  Would "Contorted Cousin" be a good band name?  Passable, but far inferior to what they chose, which just shows their good titular judgment.

 

Type O Negative

Genre: Metal
Name Score: 7
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 7
A gothic metal band, heavily into vampire imagery and singing like Danzig on Quaaludes.  They had one semi-hit album with one semi-hit song, Black #1.  It's a cool song and their whole vibe is sort of nifty, at least until you realize the song is about fricking hair dye, and some goth girl who can't go out since her roots are showing.  Wow, talk about major traumatic issues and lyrical depth! Let's hope her lipstick didn't get smudged too, or she'll be defenestrating herself in no time.

Their name is pretty clever.  It's a blood type, of course, tying into their vampire gothic Anne Rice thing.  They even picked a pretty good type of blood; I mean would "Type AB Positive" work as well for a name?  No, of course not.


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