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They've sold a fair amount of records, but mostly to people who heard a good review, liked one song (usually Creep), and then sat in blank incomprehension for sixty minutes, before taking the CD down to Music Trader and selling it used for $2. Radiohead were on an episode of South Park, but to no real effect, so it's a bonus point, but one grudgingly-awarded. The name is pretty clever. It sounds like a rock act; more like a solo artist than a group, but at least they tried. It's ironic also, since they get virtually zero radio play. It was apparently taken from the Talking Heads song "Radio Head". So they don't get a bonus point for originality.
Their first album was a shock, such hard rocking music, such hard lyrics. Even the song titles were cool, (Bullet in the Head, Fistful of Steel, Bombtrack) and their best song was a big single, Killing in the Name. They got about 500 bonus points at the time for doing that cool song, and including a minute of just shouting "Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!" after it, in the portion that radio of course could not play. They get less than 500 points for it now, but it's still pretty cool. Their albums since then were good, but have never quite recaptured the initial burst, and speaking from a strictly analytical place, their music is a lot better than the singing/rapping. After all, you don't really need good music to rap over; just about any repetitious beat will do just as well. It's sort of a waste to have good music and just rap over it. Oddly enough the vocalist, Zach De La Rocha, has quit the band, and apparently Rage is over, since the musicians have hooked up with Chris Cornell, formerly the singer in SoundGarden, to create Audioslave. As for the name, what's to say? It's as close to perfect as any band has ever gotten. A great name, and very appropriate for their angry, anti-society (machine) songs and lyrics. I don't see how it could be improved upon. It would have been quite inappropriate to have the name while not doing angry rap, so the fact that they didn't just shoehorn Chris Cornell into the band, but instead started a whole new band is a nice touch.
The name goes with that pretty well, sounding sort of menacing and Teutonic to my American ear. Of course just about every German word does to the rest of the world, given the history of the 20th century. Whether their name works to Germans is another question. Supposedly the name is a town in Germany that had a huge air crash disaster. Compare to some other, better known German cities: Berlin, Dresden, Dusseldorf, Stuttgart, Munich, Frankfurt? Rammstein beats them all, and doesn't have any unpleasant WW2/Death Camp associations.
The
Ramones
Most of the members OD'ed at
one time or another, they had constant member turn over, and in the mid-90's
demanded that people buy their next album or they would break up, since Green
Day and other punk bands were suddenly selling millions of records. People
didn't buy it, they didn't break up until after a last long cash cow tour.
Tragically for their bonus points, two of the original members died recently,
but after the band was over, and one of them from lymphoma, which is not at all
a rock and roll way to go. Dee Dee fatally OD'ed in June 2002,
but since so many other forgotten or not yet memorable rockers have gone out
recently, he was sort of lost in the Layne Staley/Drowning Pool/Who bassist
rush. As for the name, it's
okay. The members with stage last names is a nice touch, but the last name
itself isn't "punk". I mean they could be "The Rottens"
or something much cooler, right? The Ramones sounds
like The Osmonds or The Bradys, and that's not a good sign. Rancid
The name is very punk. Rancid means rotten or spoiled or festering, and
those are all cool things for the whole bleak urban world that punk rock likes
to pretend it exists in (while 98% of the records sell to middle-class suburban
kids). The band is sort of a bait and switch, since they look very
hardcore with leather, stompy boots, ripped jeans, huge spiky mohawks, dyed
hair, etc, but then their sound is very mainstream, and the name matches that,
sounding rotten and foul, when they're not at all. There aren't any legendary stories of them going through groupies or drugs,
and none of them married or nailed anyone famous on the record. Their
guitarist did die of AIDS, but not until just recently, June 2002, which was
much too late to help their score. Like most hair metal bands, our ratings
only cover the time in which they were happening, rather than dwelling on their
sad living dinosaur 90's existence. This is to save them all from negative
scores, so it's a mercy, not a discrimination. As for the name, they follow a long-standing tradition of taking a noun,
adding a double letter to it, preferably at the end, and running with it.
It works pretty well. "Rat" would be a laughingstock of a band name, but somehow "Ratt"
is borderline cool. Like most of the other animal-named bands of
the 80's, they were trapped into going with an animal theme on every thing, so
issued albums such as "Ratt and Roll" and "Out of the
Cellar" that probably seemed cool at the time, but just lead to
self-conscious and bonus point dropping laughter at this point. If you're going to pick an animal
for a rock band name, "rat" is a pretty good choice, though. They get a couple of bonus points for changing members about 10 times, losing several
guitarists to heroin overdoses, and starting the fashion trend of performing
naked with just a tube sock glued on their genitals. Their name is damn good. You hear it and say, "That sounds like a
good name for a rock band!" at least you do if you're not adverse to
repeating a common Dave Barry joke. Their earlier stuff was more rocking and
punky, and probably lived up to the name better, so they get a lower score than
they would if they were still doing songs about the Lakers' fast break
basketball (though it would help if the Lakers still had a fast break). A bunch of nice boys who formed in Athens, Georgia, there is no record of any
major band strife, drug problems, wild groupie excesses, doomed supermodel
marriages, or any of the other things we've come to expect from rock stars.
During their biggest tour in 1995, supporting Monster, there were hospitalizations
for three of the members. Heroin? Cocaine? Lodged hamster? If
only. Bill Berry suffered a brain aneurysm, Mike Mills had abdominal surgery for
an intestinal tumor, and Michael Stipe had emergency hernia surgery. For this
they surrender a couple of bonus points. Their name is pretty clever. R.E.M stands for "Rapid Eye
Movement", the phase of sleep when dreams occur, marked by... rapid
eye movement. Since their music is often dreamy and peaceful and
contemplative, the name fits their sound quite well. The name, "R.E.M."
doesn't really sound like a rock band, but once you know, it's memorable
and appropriate. Reo
Speedwagon
The name probably means something, but I've yet to hear what. It is
"Reo" not "R.E.O." so it doesn't seem to stand for
anything. "Speedwagon" is basically an oxymoron; it's not often
that something pulled by oxen is considered fast, other than when it inevitably
breaks free and plummets down the rutted dirt road towards the old Blakesley
Mill, spilling bags of barley and oats all the way. For this a bonus point
is deducted.
Reverend
Horton Heat
The name rules, to be blunt. It's definitely a "great name for a
rock band", in the Dave Barry naming tradition. He's a reverend named
Horton, and he's hot. It's unknown at this time if he also Hears a Who,
but with song titles like Bales of Cocaine and Where in the World Did
You Go with My Toothbrush, I wouldn't rule it out.
I've been lead to believe that they were more like a 5-hit wonder in the UK,
with their follow ups to I'm Too Sexy actually charting higher in the UK
than the intial song did. However none of them did anything in the US, as they were more
straight dance/pop, rather than the humorously campy deadpan sound of
Sexy. It also turns out that those bald muscle guys were brothers, so we
can probably remove the "ambiguously gay" bit from the first
paragraph.
Their name came from the title of a 1962 U.K. Top Ten single by Bernard
Cribbins, whoever that is. But what does it mean? I suppose that it's a
bit of dialogue, and should be: "Right,"
said Fred.
So who is Fred? And what is he saying "right" about? It's
a great name for a band, catchy and clever, though utterly meaningless in any
larger scheme of things.
Their name is a pretty good one, though it sounds sort of like the title of a
bad horror/sci fi graphic novel. Apparently they do have some horror movie
type visuals, or at least wear cheap wolfman masks from time to time, which
would be worth a bonus point if I hadn't just made it up in desperation. Henry
Rollins His music is odd, it's sort of hardcore punk, but slower, and he doesn't
sing. He talks most of the time, yells occasionally, all with this deep,
drill sergeant voice, He scowls very well. The problem is that
he tries to affect this intellectual air, which stands in total contrast to his
appearance and musical style. So he's not clever and witty and effete to
appeal to intellectuals, and he's not really rocking hard to appeal to
headbangers. I have no idea who his fans are. They've probably
changed over time, since he's totally changed the line up and sound of the
Rollins Band a couple of times. He might be on the brink of being famous
for being famous, with far more people knowing of him than know his music. As for the name, there's not much to say. It's one of the more boring
eponymous names around, and he the fact that he's done solo stuff with his
boring name, and group stuff with his boring last name should probably cost him
some points. He acts, writes poetry and a magazine column, publishes
books, etc. And he can't come up with a stage name better than
"Henry"? Stones songs turn up in
commercials, TV shows, and in movies. It's hard to think of a better use
of music than Satisfaction got in the truly awful Schwarzenegger movie Raw
Deal. Yes, the movie sucked, but he drove around in a convertible
Cadillac and shot-gunned about ten gangsters while playing Satisfaction at
full volume. That's cool on an epic scale. Plus unlike other old and famous
English bands, they don't have a massively self-delusional fan base that
dominates the media to tut tut furiously if one of their songs turns up in say a
Nike commercially. They've gone through a ton of
rhythm guitarists, had ex-members die mysteriously after leaving, been arrested
for every sort of drug possession, nearly broken up several times, banged and
married models, and broken numerous records for biggest tour grosses.
Somewhat like Motley Crue's greatest real life
extravagances, this has so much bonus point potential that it's hard to rank,
but we'll give them one and call it even. They got the name from a lyric
in an old Muddy Waters song, back in the 60's when they were just a bluesy cover
band. The name is pretty clever, with the "gathers no moss"
meaning coming immediately to mind. That's not a very accurate summation
of their sound or image, but they've been going for 35 years, so we'll give them
a break.
David
Lee Roth
There have been two Van Halen semi-reunions over the years, the first
ruined by Dave's grandstanding and the Mtv Awards Show crowd's
wildly-enthusiastic reaction to seeing him with Van Halen again, the
second where Van Halen backstabbed him by getting him to do a greatest
hits thing, when they'd already hired Gary Cherone as their post-Sammy
Hagar singer. In the summer of 2002 Dave toured with Sammy Hagar, and drove Sammy
insane as well. You can see them all at the initial press
conference here,
and Dave looking like the Crypt Keeper in a
close up. Sammy showed up to the press conference in a cab, by
himself, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Dave shows up with three
models in green cat suits, a midget dressed like Andy Warhol, several
body guards, and wearing sparkly black silk. Post tour Sammy ranted
about Dave's impossible prima donna personality, as expected. Dave gets
a bonus point for being a rock star, goddamnit. Dave was born David Lee Roth, so he's done nothing to improve
it. "Diamond Dave" is a pretty cool nickname, but since
he doesn't use it for his band name, there's no credit given. As
far as eponymous names go his is one of the better ones, but it would
have been nice if he'd worked up a band name for his solo efforts, eh? Run
DMC
An odd side effect of their success was them resurrecting Aerosmith,
which earns them a bonus point (for the clever feat, not so much for
inflicting the dozens of sound-alike power ballads Aerosmith has peddled
since then). Run DMC's third album was their biggest hit. Released
in 1986 it included a cover of Aerosmith's Walk This Way, and
featured Steven Tyler and Joe Perry on the track and in the video,
prompting most young viewers at the time to say, "Who are those old
white guys?" Aerosmith was revitalized and has gone on to
remain popular ever since, and returned the favor by touring with the
nearly-forgotten Run DMC in 2002, jointly-performing Walk This Way as
the transition between the sets. Run DMC gets a tragic bonus point for the death of Jam Master Jay in
a single shot execution in a recording studio in October 2002. Word is
they would let lots of local kids in to use the studio for free and get
their careers going with a demo track. That might have been a bad
move, as it turns out. The name isn't bad. Nothing brilliant, I mean it's the AKAs of
the two rappers, with no love for the Jam Master. But it's catchy
and memorable and does sound like a rap act.
I'd turn on the radio and hear some decent music, some song I hadn't
heard before, guitars and drums and such, and after 30 seconds of decent
semi-hard rock, that
this inhuman squealing would begin, I'd realize the reason I hadn't
heard the middle music part of that song before was because I always
bailed the minute it started, and would literally dive across the room
to mute it, change the station, rip the plug out of the wall, anything.
I've only evidenced that strong a loathing to music two or three times
in my entire life, most recently to those
"Like a Rock" Chevy truck commercials. For this, a
deduction must be made. As for the name
"Rush", it goes nowhere and does nothing, but at least as a
verb it creates some slight excitement. The band doesn't live up
to that though. It's not as if they play fast, or are in any real
hurry to do anything. |
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All site content copyright "Flux" (Eric Bruce), 2002-2007. |
