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Oasis
They get a bonus point for so
blatantly ripping off the sound of The Beatles that John Lennon's coffin
spinning could have powered half of Liverpool. They lose the point back
for having the most annoying title of the last decade, (What's The Story)
Morning Glory? There are some parallels to Hootie and the Blowfish, in
that both bands had an easy-listening rock sound that got so popular so quickly
they burned out their fans, and created millions of haters. That's an
achievement, of sorts. As for the name, it's sort of
appropriate. When you think of an oasis you think that it's usually a mirage,
and that pretty well summed their short-lived
Sinead
O'Conner
This bonus point isn't
necessarily an endorsement of her political views, but you must admit that
stirring up huge controversy worldwide is the sort of thing that bonus points
are made of. She wasn't exactly a stranger to controversy by then anyway
after refusing to appear on SNL the first time when Andrew Dice Clay was the
guest, as well as defending the terrorism of the IRA and refusing to perform in
New Jersey if they played the Star Spangled Banner before her show. The
pope picture thing just capped off her media blitz. Perhaps the bigger question
about her has always been; would she be hot with hair? She's sort of sexy
in a Sci Fi way when she's totally bald, but all too often photos of her feature
more stubble than an goodfella's jaw. Supposed she's appeared with wigs on
a few times, doing TV or film or something, but our judging department hasn't
seen the photographic evidence, so judgment must be withheld for now. As for the name, it's not that
bad for an eponymous one. It's nice that her first name can so easily be
mangled to "Shinehead", to match her appearance. However even an
interesting eponymous name is still pretty mediocre. The
Offspring
Their later albums have still
been popular and had hits, but they are less distinctive due to there being
about fifty other bands who sound just like them by now. This isn't really
their fault, but they lose a point for it anyway. Life is hard. The name is pretty good, sounds
sort of angry and young and punky Joan
Osborne
What if God were one
of us? That gets her a bonus point.
The fact that I initially had this credited to Alanis shows just how
true the first paragraph is.
Her name is utterly useless,
and even misleading, since casual listeners will probably assume she's Ozzy's
older daughter, the one who didn't appear on the first season of the show.
His name is unimaginative, but
it works well for him. He's definitely grown into it, and has changed the
whole name. Prior to Mr. Osbourne the only association with the name would
have been Ozzie Harriet, who was very happy family, or perhaps Ozzie Smith for
baseball fans. Thanks to Ozzy, it's now sort of an evil, ominous name,
with the double-Z lurking in the middle like the bat's head in Ozzy's pudgy
belly. Nevertheless, if you didn't know him, the name wouldn't tell you a damn
thing, and he's never even bothered with a name for his group. It's just
Ozzy and some guys playing guitar/drums, regardless of their talent or
individual fame in other areas. The
Osmonds
While most of their
"popularity" was before my time (ask your dad about their Xmas
specials some time if you want to see a grown man cry). My one strong
memory of the family was a Donny Osmond video from the early 90's. He was
making some attempt at being a rock star at the time, and the video showed him
and a bunch of younger, more attractive people building a house in the desert.
Something like that, anyway. The funny part was that there were hot chicks
in skimpy clothing, and lots of huge bouncer-looking guys topless. The
only person with a shirt on was Donny, and he had this huge, billowing silk
blouse thing, and was clearly built like a clothes hanger beneath it. I
can't blame him for keeping his shirt on, considering the competition, but why
the hell would you put yourself, in your own video, in with guys who could bench
press two of you, knowing how it would make you look? And then wear a shirt like
something from the Three Musketeers, that will only draw attention to you. For
that he costs his family a point. The names of all members of the
family are the same score, and are basically identical to the various Jackson
family spawn in quality. None are any good, but since the family name is
somewhat famous, they pretty much have to use it for their attempts at solo
careers. |
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