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Send feedback here. Use this address to submit new bands for ranking; include any information you feel is relevant to their scoring and bonus points. You may also bitch/cheer about current rankings, this page in general, or just ask if jews really run the music business. |
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As for the name, it's about as boring as eponymous bands get, and definitely from the Dave Matthews school of blandness. The music isn't quite that bad though, so there will be no bonus points deducted at this time.
As for her name, it's not like she really had any choice in the matter. Her family was famous in music, her brother was about the most famous person alive, what else was she going to call herself? And the name was even appropriate, since everyone knew the "Jacksons", so just using that was a strong tip off of the type of music she'd be doing. The fruit didn't fall far from the tree, in her case.
Any listener of the Howard Stern Show will smile at the first mention of her name, due entirely to her numerous deranged appearances, almost always boosted along by her even nuttier manager/husband Jack Gordon. In addition, she gets a bonus point for providing Michael with a target look midway through his long-term transformation from human to insect. Much like her less naked but more talented sister Janet, Latoya, she chose to preserve the family name, due to the obvious instant-fame boost. This, more than anything she's earned in merit, is the source of her continuing "celebrity".
It must be impossible for anyone who wasn't alive and aware of popular music in the early 80's to appreciate just what a big deal this guy was. When he first broke out with Thriller it was front page news if he'd remove his sun glasses at The Grammys. He got up on stage and mumbled and giggled and people just went berserk with love and understanding for his poor shy soul. Somehow the fact that he'd been performing on stage in front of thousands of people basically his entire life, and therefore had no earthly reason to pretend to be nervous accepting a Grammy, never came up. IIRC he took off his glasses for a quick peek when he won his 5th or 6th Grammy, which was a solo artist record at the time. And people were on the edge of their seats, waiting to see his eyes, somehow forgetting that you could see him in several videos that were on at least once an hour on Mtv. Calculating bonus points is hopeless, Wakko Jakko breaks the scale in both directions. As for the name, it's hard to see it without the baggage he carries. Being as Michael was already somewhat famous for being a child singer in The Jacksons, the name choice was obvious. However, like 98% of eponymous band names, it's boring, and tells you very little about the sound or the look of the band/artist. Though no words could, at this point.
As for the name, it probably has some important and personal meaning to the band, but that doesn't do the rest of us any good. At any rate, it's a catchy name and it leads you to expect weird music, which pretty well sums things up.
Perry gets bonus points for starting the Lollapalloza tour, as well as Porno For Pyros, another pretty good band. He loses one for the Jane's Addiction reunion stuff which was utter shit, compared to their original material. I defy you to not start jumping around to the opening of Mountain Song, even after all these years. I also defy you to not be sick to death of the grossly-overplayed Jane Says, though the live acoustic version of it is pretty good. "Jane's Addiction" is one of the best rock band names ever. Supposedly named after a whore they knew, with fortunately no connection to the "Jayne" of the LA Guns ballad, despite them both being in LA at around the same time. Their title is melancholy and tricky at the same time. And of course "Addiction" played a big part in their career.
Jefferson
Airplane As for their name(s),
it's hard to rate them all at once. I feel like a judge at a mastectomy
wet t-shirt contest. JA is sort of appropriate for their hippy group name,
though I have no idea how "Airplane" fits in there. JS is
clever, obviously an update on JA for the modern day, and it would string along
fans from one to the next. Starship is pretty boring, and sounds like an
experimental electronica band of the type you hear in clubs but never in real
life. In any event, they lose a point for being confusing. Joan
Jett (and the Blackhearts)
As for the name, it's a good one for a rock star. Aliterative,
and "Jett" sounds rock and roll, baby. Either that or like a
porn star, which isn't a bad vibe to go after either. Plus she was
parodied in Bloom County with the "Tess Turbo" character,
which earns her a bonus point. Unfortunately the initial name, "The
Blackhearts" sounds like the other dancing pretty-boy street gang
in the movie with The Scorpions, but it's still sort of a cool term.
Jewel
True, 3 or 4 years of poor scrounging before becoming a millionaire,
after attending a private fine arts high school, isn't exactly white
slavery, but the danger is that her story will serve as an example to
others, and you and I know that 97% of them will end up working in porn,
waitressing for the rest of their lives while writing bad poetry on
napkins in the break room, or sleeping with any guy who will buy them a
meal or lie about having music industry connections. And while
this is a great recipe for guys in the destination city to get laid to
artist hippy chicks, what if that artistic hippy chick is your
sister? Well, it's incest, that's what. No no, I mean what
if she runs away to live in a camper while trying to make it big in punk
rock, not realizing that her lack of talent pretty much rules out
musical success? Plus it sucks for guys in Michigan when all the
cute girls move to LA. Not that they aren't doing that anyway. Bad
example or not, she gets a bonus point for trying hard. This whole entry is awkward anyway, since a good friend of my mom's
has known Jewel for years, and I don't really want to spend Thanksgiving
dinner receiving icy stares. I must throw aside potential friend
of the family antagonism though, for journalistic integrity. Or
something. Jewel's name is her name. She was born Jewel Kilcher, which
tells you something about her parents. Not a bad name, but very
artsy/hippy. It's surprising she didn't rebel and run away to
Wharton to get an MBA, actually. It's a good name for her type of
music and the whole thoughtful, morose, hippy poet vibe she's got going.
Unfortunately, their name is
relatively unremarkable, and you have to wonder if they considered the anagram
when they chose it? It leads to message board postings with 14 y/o girls arguing
over who loves "JEW" better, which looks a bit odd to the
uninitiated. It's meaningless yet quirky sound does match their sound
pretty well though.
As for his name, he
falls victim to the same low score trap that most eponymous
bands/artists lose a foot to. If you're going to use your own name
for your band, make up a good name! How many times do I have to
tell you coke-snorting royalty hounds this?
My main knowledge of him came from his one almost rocking song, I'm
Still Standing, which had a fabulous location and piano, as
well as lots of hot girls in bikinis and body paint. There were
guys in grape-smugglers also, but my pubescent mind just blocked them
out at the time the video was popular. Never occurred to me that Elton
was gay either, until years later. He looked a lot more manly than
half the bands on Mtv at the time, what with it being the early 80's and
every other metal band wearing more eye liner than Tammy Faye. He gets a bonus point for doing that Princess Diana is dead song,
which was mopey and all, but not entirely awful. Coming from
someone who reflexively loathes all sentimental ballads, that's high
praise. As I think of it, the lyrics that are popping to mind are
"Good bye Norma Jean", which is about Marilyn Monroe, but I'm
sort of remembering that he just reused that song with new lyrics.
You can see it made a deep and memorable impression on me. His name is like most other eponymous artists; unremarkable.
He's been around for so long and is so famous that he's grown into it,
but if you didn't know and heard the name, you'd have zero opinion going
in. Journey
Same as everyone, there are a lot of bands
and types of music I don't care for. And same as everyone, I try to avoid
what I don't like. It's usually pretty easy, I don't want to hear R&B or Pop or
Country, so I just don't listen to radio stations that play that, and I gave up
on Mtv back around 1995. Therefore it's easy to avoid hearing music from
genres I don't want to hear. This is what made Journey so
insidious back in the 80's. They were sort of a rock band; close enough to
qualify in the pre-metal days, thus they got on rock stations and Mtv, but they
were a living Trojan Horse. Once they had gained access via their
deceptive, rock-like exterior,
they emerged like a snail pulled from its shell, and oozed their slimy, sappy power ballads
out in every direction. They'd do some portions of
their songs like rock, nothing too painful, but there would always be one
portion where they slowed things down, and the singer would suck in enough
breath to blow out candles on your birthday cake. With his mighty exhale
completed, he'd launch into a primal screech that stretched some poor
unsuspecting word into a multi, multi-syllabic howl that spanned entire guitar
solos. Windows would shatter, dogs would howl, and human blood would run
cold in mortal terror. The singer's human name was Steven Perry, and I
marked it well. Years later, when I first heard the names of the guys in Aerosmith (some time
after Run DMC revived their career) it took a year
off my life. Steven Tyler! Joe Perry! My soul died a little that day.
The other problem with Journey was
that since I was young and unsure in my musical tastes, I kept thinking it was
me, since everyone else seemed to like them. They were always on Mtv, and
you know how kids are; they'll sit through virtually any crap. As for their name, it's
not all that bad. Sort of evocative, bands like to be thought of as
travelers, it does sound rock and roll.
As for the actual band, eh... Rob Halford was an interesting lead singer, most notable in the 80's for being the only one without long hair. All that early 80's metal sort of has the same non-visceral feel at this point, like they were producing it with Play-doh over the pick ups. |
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