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Coming soon: Husker Du, Hall and Oates, Hanoi Rocks, Don Henley, Bruce Hornsby. Send feedback here. Use this address to submit new bands for ranking; include any information you feel is relevant to their scoring and bonus points. You may also bitch/cheer about current rankings, this page in general, or just ask why none of the H's are riding the big H. |
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His career was always sort of minor, and he became his most famous once he was in Van Halen, where he sang on four albums. The media circus surrounding his quitting/being fired from the band boosted his subsequent solo album to a top seller, and he's put out two more since then that have also sold pretty well, though I couldn't name you one song off any of them so save my life. He gets a bonus point for having so much more dignity than Diamond Dave during their 2002 summer tour. Sammy Hagar isn't a terrible name for a rock star, but it's not a terrible name for an appliance repairman either. A good rock star name will leave no such ambiguity.
Geri
Halliwell
As for the name, it's a negative. Yet another boring eponymous artist, and in her case she had a good stage name, but abandoned it. True, she had to leave it for legal reasons, but why not think up something derivative, say "Ginger G" or "Spicy Geri" or something dumb like that? She gets a bonus point for being cute naked, even with the bad hair and pudgy hips she had back in those days.
Hanson
So,
starting again, this appears to be a threesome of teens from that hot bed of new
rock, Oklahoma. They had
a big hit with MMMbop, which I never heard at the time. Listening to a 30
second sample now, it's frighteningly bad. As the reviews say, this is a
few cute boys who did a bland radio-friendly light rock sound, with the vocals
of a boy band, and were of course immediately successful in the undiscerning 16
and under market. The name is meaningless.
Besides being easily confused with other bands *cough*, it tells you nothing
about the group or their music. They lose a point for their lack of
originality, though at least you know this sort of band will vanish from the
face of the earth after their one hit is forgotten. Assuming they haven't
already. One of the most boring eponymous artist names in all of rock
and roll, "Ben Harper" is only redeemed by the last name being
"Harper". Not that he plays the harp, or even the lute,
but at least harper is an old term for musician and teacher. If he had
picked this as a stage name the score would be higher, since it would
show some creativity and effort. As it is it's just a guy with a
very boring name that happens to have some slight relevance to music,
though not rock and roll. As for her name, it's lame, like most eponymous artists. It is her
real name, Polly Jean Harvey, but that doesn't make any
difference. If you have a boring name, make up something cool for
your rock band. It's not such a hard lesson to learn, I wouldn't
think, and yet it's so often forgotten. In addition her first
initials are commonly used by boys, but never girls, and are also short
for "pajamas". Which is so not rock and roll. Helmet
As for their name, it's slightly military and harsh,
but has a bit of a penis reference going, so it's not bad, considering
that it's a relatively common noun and has no real meaning.
As for the name, he's nearly in the Elvis/Beatles upper echelon of
immortal names, which makes any meaningful analysis almost impossible.
Give him some credit, he's got one of the best rock star sounding names
of all time. "Jimi Hendrix" just sounds like a rock star; sort of the
antithesis of say, "Dave Matthews" who sounds like
an assistant manager of a PetCo. Self-named bands don't usually get a
lot of credit on this listing, but Jimi's name is so good it might as
well be totally invented.
The verdict on Hole's music is
quite mixed; with most critics loving it, even the stuff made long after Kurt's
death. Other fans admit the first album was good, since they can claim Kurt
wrote it, while dismissing anything else by Hole as utter shit. I don't
own any of their albums, but there are a lot of songs by them that aren't
bad. They never get a fair shake due to so many people having lingering
Kurt resentment, which is certainly reasonable, if you believe she killed
him. Even Yoko was never accused of hiring Chapman, after all. This is a score
that's quite tweaked by the band. If you didn't know anything
about the band or Courtney Love, you wouldn't have any real mental
baggage for the title. However since you (probably) do know of her
and her whole slutty tabloid existence, the name takes on a dirty,
semi-vaginal reference, which earns them a bonus point.
As for his name, it's a
typically boring eponymous title, but since virtually everyone did that
back in the 50's, we can't really deduct too many points for it. He has
to get a bonus
point
for dying in interesting fashion. Hoobastank
Hootie
and the Blowfish
As for their name, it's pretty good. It sounds like a
semi-country/bluesy rock band, and is sort of quirky and genial at the
same time; all accurate descriptions of the band. Plus it's easy
to turn it into an insulting nick name or comment "Hootie blows
fish!" which serves their legions of detractors well.
She gets a couple of bonus points for a disastrous personal life which
includes marriage to a wife-beating nut (Bobby Brown) numerous suicide attempts,
OD's, hospitalizations for "exhaustion", anorexia rumors, and
more. She appeared to have a potential acting career after one successful
movie with Kevin Costner, but has not been seen in a successful film since then.
Neither has Costner, come to think of it. As for her name, it's boring and lame, like all eponymous artists.
However I still remember a hot mini-skirt wearing
girl in my high school named Whitney, and though she was white and never
sung a note in my presence, she used to arouse me, and I'm just that
easily influenced. Damn this penis, and the bonus points it forces
me to misuse. |
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All site content copyright "Flux" (Eric Bruce), 2002-2007. |
