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Bands on this page:

The Eagles 
Elton John
Elvis
Elvis Costello
Eminem

Enrique Iglesias
Enuff Z'nuff
Extreme
Exodus

Coming soon: Earth Wind and Fire, Electric Light Orchestra, Danny Elfman, Missy Elliot, Emerson Lake and Palmer, Enya, Erasure, The Eurythmics, Melissa Etheridge, Everclear.

Send feedback here.  Use this address to submit new bands for ranking; include any information you feel is relevant to their scoring and bonus points. You may also bitch/cheer about current rankings, this page in general, or just ask where to send me money.

The Eagles

Genre: Classic Rock
Name Score: 4
Bonus Points: 0
Total Score: 4
The only song of theirs that leaps to my mind is that dreadfully-overplayed Hotel California track, but they have the best selling album ever, their Greatest Hits Volume 1, which doesn't even have Hotel California on it, oddly enough. The main service the Eagles provide today is showing how much rock and roll has changed.  They were mainstream rock in the early 70's, while now they are sort of soft blues/country that wouldn't fit anywhere near a non-classic rock station play list.  The music does nothing but bore me, but obviously someone likes it, as it continues to sell.

Don Henley was in the group, and I always confuse him with Eric Clapton.  Being as I can't stand any of the terribly slow and mopey stuff Clapton has recorded since about 1985, this is just as well.

As for the name, it's not real imaginative, just another from the, "The Plural-Noun" family.  They were apparently a Southern California band, and there are no eagles in Southern California, outside of zoos. Lots of Turkey Hawks though.  The Bald Eagle is the symbol of the US, and it has a sort of evocative feeling to it.  Soaring high, free, etc.  This ignores the reality that most eagles in the US spend their time eating road kill or rotting salmon, but that's beside the point.

 

Elvis

Genre: Rock
Name Score: 6
Bonus Points: +2
Total Score: 8
Perhaps the ultimate "grown into it" band/artist name.  Trying to critique "Elvis" as the name of an artist is sort of like commenting on "Jesus Christ" as the name of a deity.  Lots of people have about equal respect for both men/myths, but that's neither here nor there.

Elvis of course scores multiple bonus points for the unbelievably tawdry life he lead, most of the details of which have emerged after his death.  Out of control eating habits, sheriff wannabe nutty behavior, shooting out TVs, massive pill addictions, and of course, death on the throne.

There's a little Mexican kid who does a Pressley act in Vegas and he goes by the name "El-vez".  Say no more.

 

Eminem

Genre: Rap
Name Score: 7
Bonus Points: +1
Total Score: 8
The description "white rapper" usually evokes gales of laughter, given past spectacles such as Vanilla Ice.  Today half the metal bands are rap wannabes, Limp Bizket being probably the best known offender, and they all do decent rock songs, which are usually ruined by a dreadful 30 second rap interlude.  From this evidence, we can conclude that rap, while the easiest type of music to actually write and perform, is very hard to do well, especially if you have to worry about a sun burn when you go swimming.

This being established, we must give Eminem some props for being the only white rapper to actually rap, (I don't know what to call the music the Beastie Boys do now, but it's far from pure rap.) and to get away with it.  More than get away with it, he kills with it, in popularity and rap respect, at least. Most rap fans rate him the best rapper working today, and while for most people that's like saying that New Orleans has the best smelling sewers of any major US city, there are a lot of rap fans out there. I'm not really one of them, but I've heard a lot of his music on the radio in stores, and the guys at work used to play his tapes constantly last year, and they weren't bad.  Certainly better than the generic half-assed gangster rap the black guys are mass producing at this point. Assuming you can overlook all the gay and female bashing he does, that is.

He's got a pretty good name too.  It doesn't really mean anything, but sounds like "M&M", which I assume is some sort of clever reference to "melts in your mouth, not in your hands", ala his rhymes are just like that.  In addition to that phonetic cleverness, it looks something like "Enemy", and sounds sort of menacing.  There's no indication of a rapper from it, but you can't have everything. He gets a bonus point for numerous law suits at and from his own mother.

 

Enuff Z'nuff

Genre: Glam Metal
Name Score: 5
Bonus Points: -3
Total Score: 2
One of the stupidest band names of all time, evoking AOLese long before there was such a thing.  At least you can use this sort of name to remind yourself that 12 y/o's on the Internet aren't the first people to make fools of themselves with excessive use of the letter "Z". This hair band was supposedly a bit more talented than the rest of the generic slop, but that's like saying the Sahara is drier than the Gobi.

Even I, who paid some attention to hair metal at the time, never really noticed these guys. That being said, the name is goofy and attention-grabbing, which was their goal, so they do basically live up to it.  Unfortunately it doesn't sound anything like metal, or even rock and roll.  I'd guess boy band, just by the name, or maybe even some sort of children's band. They get minus points for the annoying name, and for their fans who keep insisting they didn't really suck, just because they look like clones of Poison and Warrant.

 

Extreme

Genre: Light Metal
Name Score: 1
Bonus Points: -7, +1
Total Score: -5
This impossibly off-named band defines the purpose of this page (see the introduction note), and was the source of the idea for me, years and years before this page was actually created.  If you are going to pick a name for your band, pick one that's in some way representative of you.  Do not pick a name that sounds like a good hard rock band, and then play pathetically-wimpy acoustic guitar with multi-part vocal harmonizing.  It's just wrong, and it must be punished.

Amusingly-enough, their lead singer, Gary Cherone, went on to suck up sloppy thirds as the singer in Van Halen after David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar, though the one album he did with them was a miserable failure, fittingly enough. As for the rest of the band, god knows. They had a few semi-hits in the late 80's, before fading from public view and eventually dying during a midnight molestation raid on an ostrich farm. That's probably not true (well, maybe for the drummer), but the rich fantasy of it makes me feel good.  Some people have dreams of Jesus and seeing Gramma again in heaven, I have Extreme being kicked to death by foul-tempered ostriches.  Equally probable fantasies, by any objective analysis.  Worst band name in history, but they do get a grudgingly-awarded bonus point for the ostrich thing.

 

Exodus

Genre: Metal
Name Score: 4
Bonus Points: -1
Total Score: 3
A thrash metal band semi-popular in the 80's, they were briefly poised to emerge from the San Francisco metal scene, before Metallica flew past them with afterburners on. They lose a point for all the old time metal critics always bringing up how they were bigger than Metallica for like 6 months, as if anyone gives a shit at this point.  Despite my rather cynical appraisal, I actually recommend some of their music.  Two of the best thrash metal songs ever are on their Impact is Imminent album.

Exodus never really achieved any great success, and their name probably didn't help. It has a religious feel to it, like they'll be either a Christian band, or else Satanic.  They aren't either, and never mention religion at all, as far as I know, and I've heard most of their albums.


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