popular concept in modern fiction and relationship books, I always thought the whole concept of a "soul mate" was ridiculously foofy and self-delusional. Now that I'm in love with and live with a woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I still think it's a ridiculous concept... for other people.

No, actually it's ridiculous for Malaya and me as well, since while we get along amazingly-well and agree on almost everything, we have our own preferences and desires and tastes about various things that don't agree or overlap at all.  And even if we didn't, I still wouldn't have seen any evidence to back up the assertion that there is such a thing as a soul anyway.

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April 30, 2002

Soul mates.  Real or not?

I've long thought the whole "soul mate" concept was a crock.  Yes, me cynical and heretical, what a surprise.  I shall elaborate.

First off, what's a "soul"?  It's some magical, spiritual, ghostly thing inside you, that's not physically tangible or measurable. Humans have them, animals don't, and depending on your religion, it's either some sort of eternal life force that gets recycled in a new body every now and then, or else a new one pops out like a gumball from a candy machine every time a baby is born, and God sticks it into them then, or at conception, depending on who you believe. And I'm sure there are about 500 other definitions of "soul", depending on who you ask.

So a soul is entirely indemonstrable.  People weigh no less when they die and the soul has supposedly left the body, there's no way to measure or quantify a soul, no way to prove it exists. People just like to believe in that sort of thing, for the same reason they like to believe in Guardian Angels and Gods and Heavens; they are comforting.  Believing we're all just meat is no fun.

Sorry, I'm getting off track.  My point is that to accept the whole "soul mate" concept you must first accept the existence of a "soul", which is a very dubious proposition, and subject to extremely vague definitions from one culture to another.

So we'll just leave that issue for now, and look at soul mates.

As I understand the term, and as it's defined in this article, which is the genesis of this little essay, a soul mate is another person, one who you feel is perfectly compatible with you.  Hence your relationship goes beyond like, love, or lust, but takes on a spiritual dimension, and you feel you were "made" for each other.  Literally or figuratively.

Scientific survey says... it's all wishful thinking.

New research suggests that even if there is no such as thing as a perfect "soul mate," we can still believe we've found one.

Men and women can develop a sense that their partners are essentially mirror images of themselves, allowing them to perceive similarities that aren't there at all, according to the authors of the new study.

The article also states:

"Assimilating a partner to the self gives intimates the sense that they have found a kindred spirit, someone who is just like them and, thus, knows and understands them for who they really are," writes Sandra L. Murray, of the State University of New York at Buffalo, and colleagues.

This sort of self-delusion isn't necessarily a bad thing for the relationship though.

In a world of complex relationships, the researchers assert, such "egocentrism" can be beneficial by instilling the feeling that one's partner is indeed a "soul mate."

Lastly, 

...in romantic relationships, they argue, "satisfaction seems to require leaving some assumptions about similarity untested and unquestioned."

That is very true, in my experience.  I've never been in a long term relationship, one that had either me or she fooling ourselves with soul mate stuff.  And one reason is that I've always been too objective, and evaluated things logically.  Which perhaps kept me from getting in deeper in a relationship that would have died in a few months or a year, but has also kept me from enjoying that few months or a year before it did.

I've never been in "love", romantically, so I find the very notion somewhat suspect.  It's a type of self delusion, much like the soul mate thing, just to a lesser extent, IMHO.  Certainly a pleasant experience for the participants, but the people in it are generally seeing more than is really there.

This is very easy to notice in others; everyone knows some couple who seem to have nothing in common, but who think they do through their love goggles.  But very hard to notice in your own relationships, or even short term infatuations of the type I am personally familiar with.

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