rammy's!  Or possibly Oscar's!

Whatever, all these awards shows I never watch blur together in my mind. The only use I have for them is to pick at the funny photos and stuff.

Just for a quick recap, a bunch of movies I never saw were nominated, and several of them won.  And as always, the least-seen movie had the best actor award, though for a rare change he wasn't a cripple or retard.  Just a Jewish pianist hiding from the Nazis.  (No, that wasn't the racist joke it sounded like it was going to be.  Sit down.)

You can see a full winners list here, if you really give a damn.  I was glad to see that Spirited Away won best animated picture, just because it was the only one I've seen, and it's magical and brilliant and all of that.  As my review said.  A surprise was Eminem winning for best song.  A relatively hard rap song winning over whatever regurgitated Elton John pap some Disney movie horked up this year?  Unbelievable.

Tragically Eminem didn't even show up for the awards.  What happened to all the nominees performing their songs during the show?  Most years, the prospect of Eminem winning and coming up on stage in some ripped sweat shirt with about 6 black guys to stand behind him while he rambled incoherently in something resembling a speech would be far and away the highlight of the evening, and the disappointment in it not happening would have been palpable.  Fortunately Michael Moore won something and enlivened the festivities, but he's no Eminem.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers won best sound editing and visual effects.  Only.  Bleh. Why it wasn't nominated for Best Costume Design or Best Make Up I can't even begin to imagine. I thought the make up was incredible.  Did the voters think those Urak-Hai were CG like Gollum or what?  I could watch a full length film just of the Orcs, they looked so cool.

Oh, and my future wife won best actress, but for some reason I seem less interested in her of late.  She looked nice clutching the Oscar with her purple hands, though the dress doesn't do much for me.  Picture below.

The only real excitement of the night was Michael Moore winning Best Documentary for Bowling for Columbine, which is about the first time in history that the award went to a documentary that anyone actually saw or liked won the award.  The best documentary prize has been a scandal for years.

The interesting part is that Moore had the balls to say what he thought about Bush and the Iraq Attack, and he got booed and cheered for it.

Accompanied on stage by his fellow documentary nominees, Moore, who won best documentary feature for "Bowling for Columbine," wasted no time in lighting into President Bush, the 2000 election and the war in Iraq.

"I've invited my fellow documentary nominees on stage with us here in solidarity with me," he said, "because we like non-fiction and we live in fictitious times. We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man who's sending us to war for fictitious reasons, whether it's the fiction of duct tape or the fiction of orange alerts. ... We have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons. We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you."

Moore expanded on his comments with the press backstage.

"I'm an American," he said. "You don't leave your citizenship behind when you enter the doors of the Kodak Theatre." He added that expressing opinions is "what I do. I do that in my filmmaking."

What he's saying there about the fictitious president is basically what the first chapter of his last book is about. I've not read it, but you can see that much of it for free in the preview on Amazon.com, and if you believe even half of the facts he cites about irregularities in Florida voting before, during, and after the last presidential election, I don't see that you can disagree with a word he says about Bush not really being the president.

Whether you agree with him or not, I think you have to like that someone at least had the balls to say something they knew would be controversial/unpopular. Since Moore is already hated with a pathological fever by most right wingers, this should send them into an absolute orgy of condemnation.

Anyway, on with the photo snarking.

Is there any chance we'll ever hear of either of these guys again?  I say the Pianist guy is the Tom Hulce of 2003.  Tom Hulce did the amazing job as Amadeus, in Amadeus, years ago.  He didn't win, F. Murray Abraham won that year for playing Soliary in the same film, and everyone thought young Tommy would be a great actor for years.  He has never been heard from since. Nice to meet you Adrien.  Bye. The other guy looks pretty happy too. He probably realizes this is his basket from half court, and he'll be one of those "Who won best supporting last year?" memories in six months. And he's already pissed about it too.

Adrien Brody (L) and Chris Cooper hold their Oscar statuettes baskstage after the 75th annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California, March 23, 2003. Brody won his Oscar for best actor for his role in the film 'The Pianist,' and Cooper was awarded the best supporting actor Oscar for his role in the film 'Adaptation.' REUTERS/Andy Clark

Um, who?  Somehow I doubt this was who they expected when announcing that Eminem had won an Oscar. And please tell me he's flamboyantly gay; I can't think of any other excuse for that outfit. Or his big smile upon meeting Babs.

Barbra Streisand presents songwriter and musician Luis Resto with an Oscar during the 75th annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California, March 23, 2003. Resto won the Academy Award for best original song for his tune 'Lose Yourself' from the film '8 Mile.' REUTERS/Mike Blake

Must admit I like her as a pure blonde, and even the pulled back hair looks okay.  The dress is ugh though. And she really needs a sandwich, those spider-thin arms are getting disturbing.  I'd still do her though.

You can note that while for once the best actor award didn't go to someone playing a crippled retard, but that the best actress went to a super-beauty playing an ugly woman, fake nose and everything.  Salma Hayek tried, growing in the monobrow to play Frida, Picasso's wife, (or whatever) but she was clearly trumped by Nicole's schnozz.

So does a beautiful woman playing an ugly woman = an actor playing a crippled or retarded man? It would seem so, at least in terms of scoring Oscar votes.

Oh, and I guess we can consider the possibility that her acting was good in it or something.  Who knows, future wife or not, I wouldn't sit through two hours of clinical depression in a movie if she were wearing the prosthesis on her clitoris.

Australian actress Nicole Kidman poses with her Oscar statue for the Academy Award for best actress she won for her role in 'The Hours,' at the 75th annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, March 23, 2003. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson

I didn't know Sean Connery or Harrison Ford or whatever old actor Catherine is married to had knocked her up, so my first thought upon seeing her was to wonder if she was on some sort of Haagen-Dazs and cheeseburger diet. But apparently she's about eight months along.  You can get a bit of a look at Nicole's freaky purple hands here also.

Nicole Kidman (L) and Catherine Zeta Jones smile backstage with their Oscars at the 75th annual Academy Awardsin Los Angeles on March 23, 2003. Kidman won the Best Actress award and Zeta Jones won Best Supporting actress. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Uh yeah, I think we can safely conclude that she's pregnant.

Best supporting actress Catherine Zeta-Jones walks off with her Oscar statuette after the 75th annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California March 23, 2003. Zeta-Jones won for her role in 'Chicago.' REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson

I turned on the very end of the show just in time to see Chicago win, and thought this guy was going to drop dead.  He looked about one surprise from a coronary thrombosis while making his speech, with his face turning the color of Nicole's hands.

Presenter Michael Douglas hands the Oscar to producer Martin Richards after the film 'Chicago' won best picture at the 75th annual Academy Awards on Sunday, March 23, 2003, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

And the award for worst hair of the evening goes to...

But only because Roberto Benigni couldn't make it. And that Pianist guy was a close second, but greasy lank always loses out to frizzy amplitude.

Spanish writer and director Pedro Almodovar poses with his Oscar statuette for best original screenplay for his film 'Talk to Her,' at the 75th annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, March 23, 2003. Almodovar wears the Dove of Peace pin on his lapel. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson

Could someone let Mr. Cooper know that he won?

(L-R) Adrien Brody, Nicole Kidman, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Chris Cooper pose for photographers with their Oscars at the 75th annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California March 23, 2003. Brody won for best actor, Kidman for best actress, Zeta-Jones for best supporting actress and Cooper for best supporting actor. REUTERS/Andy Clark

Moore sort of has  Kid Rock thing going, where he is able to look rumpled in anything. Kid Rock can look like greasy white trash in anything, which is a superior skill, which that's why he scores Pamela Anderson, while Moore is married to a woman who matches his physique.

What I wonder is does Moore ever think he looks good?  He's dressed up here, and even has sort of a hair cut, but the perpetually stubbly is what, to show his humble origins?  I hardly think that would really matter, for he is truly an ugly man, but he doesn't seem to mind it, so more power to him.

Director Michael Moore makes an anti-war statement after winning the best documentary feature Oscar for his movie 'Bowling for Columbine' at the 75th Annual Academy Awards at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California March 23, 2003. Moore is joined on stage by his wife Kathleen Glynn.

How can they not have broken up yet?  They must be as sick of each other as everyone else is of them.

Jennifer Lopez leans over to speak to Ben Affleck after host Steve Martin made a joke that referred to Lopez during the the 75th annual Academy Awards Sunday, March 23, 2003, in Los Angeles. (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

Well, that should be about enough bitter and jealous comments for the day.  You'd almost think I gave a damn, the way I carried on, eh?

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