hat is love?

An eternal question, with an eternal answer, and one that I spent very little of my life pondering. I just knew that I wasn't in love and that I'd never been in it, to the point that I was skeptical of whether or not it actually existed.  People talk about love, hell, every other song on the radio is about it, but what is it really?  How can it be explained or described in scientific fashion?  How do you know you're in love, rather than just strong like with some lust on top? Can you fall in love on purpose?  Is love a real thing, or just something we mentally talk ourselves into?

All of these questions went through my head when I thought about the issue (which wasn't very often), but I wasn't ever real concerned with it. I figured I'd find out, some day, and if not, oh well.  Until I met Malaya, and spent many hours a day every day for weeks on the phone with her, and went to stay with her for a week long visit... and fell in love.  For the first time in my life, and hopefully the last time.

Which begs the question, "Now that I'm in love, can I answer my own pre-love questions about it?"

Yes I can. However, it's a very involved subject, with so much more than love/not-love involved, and being as it's too big a subject to work into the introduction to this article, you'll have to read over the various archived writing on this page to see what I think.  My short answer is that love is mostly determined by how you feel about the other person (obviously), but is also greatly influenced by how you feel about yourself. And I couldn't fall in love until I fell out of hate with myself.

More recent additions to this page are added to the bottom, so you can see my mental state evolve over time. Also check out these two articles on Love, excerpted from Time magazine.

February 6, 2003

Distracted.  Preoccupied.  Unsettled.

Relationships and human desires are funny things.  Yes, I realize that this is news to exactly no one, and that 90% of all human creative endeavor (if a blog can be classified as such) is driven by a relationship, out of a desire for one, or as a reaction to one.

So, hypothetically speaking, there's a woman (or man as the case may be) you've recently met who is really great to talk with.  Looks good, intelligent, you share interests, etc.  You've talked a lot, either face to face or perhaps just over the computer, and you two get along well.  How does romance begin?  What is the difference between someone you want to be friends with, and someone you want to be naked with? And is there more to romance than just naked/sex?

At this point in my life, I don't really know the answer to that. I think that, like most heterosexual (gays are just as big of whores, just for other men, but that's a topic for another day) men, I'm probably open to sex with virtually any human female, assuming she meets various minimal requirements (A pulse and an even number of limbs.  Well actually, I'm prepared to be flexible on the limbs part.) That's not to say that men look at every woman with a sexual appraisal, since after all, some women are very fat and/or very old.  Also, there's a large difference between "open to sex" and "willing to pursue it".

I've known a lot of women socially, at work, school, friends of friends, etc, who I would have been willing to have sex with if they'd initiated, but that I didn't have enough interest in to actually pursue for dating or other things. In other words, I've have taken a free cookie if they'd been passed out, but I didn't want that particular cookie enough to chase down the waiter and grab one. I think this is true for most men about most women. Most of us won't turn down sex, but even the horniest man can't possibly pursue every woman he ever meets.  Can he?

Anyway, by "open to sex" I mean that most men are probably willing to have sex with pretty much any woman they like well enough to take the time to talk to socially. I suppose this applies to me as well, though I've always had a lot less of the skirt-chasing pussy-fever gene than most men.  The key thing to keep in mind is that just because a man wants to date a woman doesn't mean he's got any interest in having a relationship with her, or that he's only talking to her to try and get laid. It's just that if she were somehow magically horny for him, and there were no adverse consequences, he would most likely be up to the task. Or is this too fine a definition?

Like the old joke goes:

Woman: Did you ever sleep with any of my friends before we were dating?

Man: Just Jennifer.

Woman: Jennifer?  But you don't even like her!?

Man: Well no. *confused* What's that got to do with it?

I don't think men have very solid lines between "friend" and "lover". Mostly men are friends with women they can't be lovers with, and 98% of the time the reason that they can't be lovers is because the woman won't let them. (This is assuming the man isn't married, not that it changes the male psychology a whole lot if he is, it's just the worry about legal ramifications and dooming his good relationship that curbs his behavior.) Either the other woman doesn't fancy him, or does but doesn't act on it because she's in a relationship, or she lives far away, or whatever. Far less often does the man agree with her disinterest, and then there's that miniscule percentage of cases where the woman does and the man doesn't.

I actually was in one of those years ago, and my desire to not screw was entirely because the girl was way too freaky and needy and I didn't want to get any more involved with her than I was, being as she was breaking up with a long time boyfriend and calling me at like 1 in the morning with tears in her voice and never wanting to get off of the phone.  Plus she wasn't sexually attractive to me.

And all that being said, if she'd been just slightly less needy and weird, I still would have done her.

I thought this "men will do any woman they know" conclusion was fairly accepted male psychological profiling, but as I'm writing this blog entry I've been quoting some bits to a female friend online, and she's been disagreeing.  She said that men don't want to have sex with most of their female friends, but hadn't really given it any thought, since when I pressed her for specifics, she didn't have any.  I finally clarified it down to this.

Me: The fact that virtually every guy you ever know while dating was dying eager to fuck you... You think you're special, and how men felt about you isn't how they feel about other women?

Or you think that once they're in a relationship they lose that inherent male horniness?

Her: ...

Me: So do you think that most men aren't that horny, that they aren't interested in just shagging anyone they can get away with shagging, and that it's not 98%, it's like what, 50%? 25%? 10%? of men who feel like that?

And that the rest are selective and see sex as part of a romance and not just something fun to do when they can?

Her: I couldn't begin to guess %

Me: Well you disagree with 98%, so you clearly think it's less. A lot less? Give me a ballpark figure, I'm begging you.

Her: 3

Her: 27.6%

Me: Well, you'll be off the debate team if you're going to choke under pressure like that. 

Her: I'm not debating.

Me: I gave my initial theory, and you disagreed. but you can't say why you disagree, or with which part you disagree, or to what degree you disagree?

Her: I am saying that 98% of the men that I have been friends with would not shag anything remotely attractive if it didn't think they'd get caught or it would kill someone or whatever it is you said.

In my experience I would say it was much less, maybe 60% if you insist on having a percentage.

But she then went on to say that she'd known guys socially who had chances to score with women in bars, but went home alone since they didn't see anyone they cared enough to be interested in.  That's a good point, but it's not really what I'm asking.  It comes under the "want her, but not enough to pursue her" heading.

However, as I look at my argument, I see that I'm probably constructing too much of a fantasy situation.  Saying If there was opportunity and if there were no consequences and if she were willing is setting up a straw man situation.

It's like asking if a person is a thief for taking money that's not theirs, but then presenting a ridiculously weighted situation. Like say the person is poor, and they see a drug dealer get gunned down by police, and in the process he drops a knot of cash that none of the cops see as they drag his body away with a full stash of his crack.

So is a person a thief if he takes money that has no owner, was obtained illegally, from people who paid for an received a product for their cash, and not needed by the authorities to prove their drug dealer legal case? The extenuating circumstances are too weighted for it to be a fair discussion, is what I mean.

And this has gone way off target.  That's what I get for asking a female PoV on things.  Girls just confuse the issue.  Bah. Bleh. Etc.

Anyway, where I was initially going was love, and desire. Falling in love is a process that I don't understand at all. How does it begin? When does it begin?  How often is it mutual?

I have never been in love, that I'm aware of.  I mean I liked my kitty an awful lot when I was 7, but as an adult, directed at an adult woman, no. I asked the same issue-confusing female friend quoted above what love was, and she said:

You can't eat or sleep, you think about them constantly and the thought of never seeing them makes you break out in a cold sweat. Those are some symptoms that you're just not after a shag, but not initially as you feel that way about anyone you fancy, I think.

I've felt infatuated a number of times, always when I was first dating someone or getting to know someone.  I wanted to spend every minute with her, or talk to her on the phone. I wanted to be with her more than anything else. Not sexually, necessarily, just to be in her presence, to talk or just sit and watch a movie.  The time we were apart was distraction and impatience. I never got so far as cold sweats, but you get the idea.

And I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, since most likely every single person reading it has a lot more experience with this feeling than I do.

However, note the last sentence of the above quote.  "But not initially as you feel that way about anyone you fancy"  Which sums me up quite well.  I'd always feel that, usually after we first spent a lot of time together, or had sex. Whatever, to make a stronger connection than we ever had before.  For me it generally lasted a few days or weeks, but would always fade.  Possibly reappear after another date, but if we were apart for more than a few days or a week, I'd go back to just thinking fondly of her, but nothing more than that.  No real emotional pull.  I'd still enjoy being with her, but there wasn't a desperate despondency when alone, and therefore I wouldn't feel any real push to keep after her.

What I guess love is is when it keeps on feeling that way for a long time.  Or at least a longer time, and you enjoy that, and want more of it.  I was always somewhat torn by "are the highs worth the lows?" when thinking about it objectively, which was possible in between relationships.  When I was in one I was obviously thinking it was well worth it.

What brings this all up is a female friend.  That's "friend".  Not "lover".  She is looking for love, looking for a man to be a husband and father, and I don't know how a person goes about looking for that.  How do you know when the initial giddy rush of joy and excitement about the person is over, and love begins?  What if there isn't that initial rush, and you just like the person, and you want to be in love.  Do you just keep at it?  Keep spending time with them?  And hope that at some point, it's like some magical switch is clicked and you're in love?

Since I don't know what it's like to be in love in the first place, I obviously can't answer this question.  Which is why the subject interests me so.  Love seems to be just like the old Supreme Court definition of "pornography", in that it's something you can't really describe, but you know it when you see it.  Or feel it, in the case of love.

I am not in love with the female friend who is looking for love, and we're not dating and never have.  However I think a major reason for that was her telling me right up front that she was looking for a man to settle down and reproduce with, and that intimidated me, since I don't think I want that.  Would I avoid dating someone I'm interested in, someone I might "fall in love" with, since I don't want to be in love, since I don't want (marriage, kids) what that could/would lead to? Apparently so, but isn't love supposed to be the most wonderful thing ever, and that when you have it you'll sacrifice anything to keep it?  And that not only do you cease dreading a long term relationship, but you actively want it, since you're in love, there's no one you'd rather be with, so you might as well tie the knot?

Well, that's what the stories say, anyway. And that's what people who are in love/relationships always tell me.

At any rate, she's dating another guy, and trying to fall in love with him, and maybe he's trying to fall in love with her. I don't know. However let's leave aside the whole issue of what love is (which as I explained a moment ago, I can't answer) and whether you can fall into it on purpose.  I've been somewhat distracted and preoccupied and unsettled for the last 9 hours, since upon waking up (at about midnight... yes I'm weird) I had an ICQ from her saying that she was going to be spending the night with the guy, and would talk to me tomorrow.  This is the first time they've spent the night together, and initially I was like, "congrats!".  However I found myself distracted and preoccupied and unsettled, unable to concentrate on work, thinking about her, and what this overnight thing means. Wondering if I should have pressed my affections upon her a few weeks ago when she was just starting to date this guy, and wondering if it's now too late, and wondering if I regret that it probably is.

But as I knew going in, she wants to be married and have kids. I don't want to have kids, since I don't want that sort of distraction and responsibility. I view it entirely as a chore and a burden, like having a pet that's sick all the time, and one that you can't just stick in a cage with some food and ignore for 18 or 24 hours, when you've got other things to accomplish.  I've never had any interest in kids under the age of 6 or 7.  They become sort of fun then, intelligent and capable enough to feed themselves and get dressed and not make a huge mess going to the bathroom, and they go to school for most of the day and go to bed early, so you can still live your life around them, without having every second taken up by their needs. I can't see having a kid of any age living in a house with me, but then I can barely see having a woman living with me, so that's not surprising.  But especially a baby, I don't see any way I could put up with that, though I've never really considered it.  Not to mention that I make enough money to almost live on solo, and certainly couldn't provide any additional expenses, and kids cost a goddamned fortune, even if you aren't spoiling them rotten with way more toys than they'll ever play with, and $100 designer shoes they'll outgrow in 3 months, etc.

Anyway, I don't think I even want to date casually (which is why I'm not making any effort to meet women), so though I wouldn't mind living with a woman I really liked and got along with, it's not worth the effort to meet her, and get past the casual dating stage.  On top of that, I really don't want to have a baby in the house, much less my own, nor do I want to get a real job to be able to afford any of the aforementioned things.

That being said, why does it bother me so much that she's spending the night with the maybe-bf?

I wish I were more of a real person sometimes.  Less prone to solitary contemplation and more motivated to engage in actual human interaction, with all of its positive and negative consequences it entails.  But it's so much easier to just continue on as I have been, for the last few years, putting off everything, planning to begin living a real life once I have the money to do so, as if money would really change my personality, and as if I'm doing anything to obtain said money.

As I said to the other female friend, the one quoted above:

Me: So I'll just mope and despair and bitch, and hope for a mercy hummer.

Her: I won't pity you.

Me: Okay, well honestly, I'd settle for just the hummer.

Yes, humor to mask the pain...

February 7, 2003

Yesterday's long essay thing on love and sex and faithfulness and heartbreak generated two emails, which is about 1.5 more than the usual day's post does.  It also proved to be somewhat inaccurate, since as I later learned from the woman I was talking about in the update; it was not her first time overnight at the new boyfriend's.  It was the third or fourth, and she just hadn't had occasion to mention the other times.

This information at first depressed me further, but upon further reflection I'm glad to know it.  One time it was like, "Maybe she still doesn't really like him that much."  Four times it's over, she's gone, end of story.  No point in clinging to any misguided fantasies about possibly being the BF now.  Being as we'd discussed things previously and had both agreed that we weren't good for each other, and I had never said a jealous word about her dating, and she was constantly trying to encourage me to go date myself, I really had/have no reason to be bothered by anything she does with this guy.

And yet I was.

Actually, what really upset me was her saying that the BF had a pulled muscle in his back, and that while they sat around naked and talked and listened to music she rubbed his back with oil for upwards of two hours.

Just typing that now I physically ache, at the thought.  I would sort of like to have sex again, but it's not that high a priority.  When it happens, goodie, but I've never found it all that unbelievable an experience. Women tell me that once I'm in love it will be all that much better.  We'll see.  Or maybe not.

However a massage, from someone who is good at it, is something I will crawl through broken glass for.  Especially if that someone is a woman who cares about me, and I get to reciprocate.  If I were offered a two hour massage vs. two hours of sex, I would really have to give it some serious thought.  I mean given the design of male anatomy, it's not exactly difficult to achieve orgasm.  Try giving yourself a back rub though.

Anyway, the female in question didn't see it as any big deal, "his back was hurting." she said.  And I'm sure that's true, but I found it funny that the mention of the massage drove me to such distraction.  Far more than any description of sex would have.

As for the update yesterday, there was a good email. It's from Mike.

Hey Flux,

I've been reading your blog for awhile now, and until today I've agreed with almost everything you've said. When I read today's update about 98% of guys being willing to have sex with all of their female acquaintances if the situation arose, I couldn't help but wonder how you could think that. A little further down, I realized what your reason was when I saw that you've never been in love, and didn't know what it was.

What your female friend described as love, isn't. It's infatuation, obsession, or co-dependence, any of which can be a component of love, but do not make love in and of themselves. For me, when I'm in love, I know it because I DON'T think about sexual activities with any other females. If I'm in a relationship with a woman I'm in love with, I wouldn't have sex with another woman under any normal circumstances (i.e. without something weird, like a guy threatening to shoot me if I didn't have sex with her, etc).

Love means that you care about another person more than about yourself and will choose to do things that make her happy instead of making yourself happy (though making her happy will accomplish that, but could be along with other suffering). Love is not something you "are willing to do anything to keep," because for one, that's selfish and (as mentioned above) love is not selfish, and also love maintains itself. If you are really in love with somebody, that love does not go away unless you find out something about the person you were in love with that changes your impression of who they really are.

I can't argue the point, since I have no first hand experience, and I think that is a pretty good definition of love, at least as it's depicted in movies and books.

I will bring up the fact that so many/most men cheat, whether they are married or just dating, and that's cheating; actually going through with it.  My example in the blog was a purely hypothetical mental consideration, in a perfect situation where it wouldn't ever be found out, wouldn't be a recurring thing, etc.  The only thing you'd have to deal with in the (unrealistic) scenario I described was your own feelings of guilt for cheating.  And IMHO, men are largely creatures of instinct and impulse, and tend to value the momentary joy over the long term potential consequences. And if they knew there would be zero physical consequences, just mental ones, I think there would be a lot of, "What she doesn't know won't hurt her." rationalization going on, in the unrealistic situation I described above.

March 10, 2003

Romance.

An odd topic for me to blog about, given that I've periodically heaped not just scorn, but scorn and derision upon the entire concept of romantic love. I have not yet changed my opinion on love, and still regard it with some suspicion.  I'll talk about it first, then romance.

A friend recently sent me two long articles about love, from a scientific PoV.  They are both from Time Magazine in 1993, oddly enough.  I have no idea where they might be found online, but since it's 10 years I guess I can post them in their entirety.  Click here to view them both. The following quotes are from the articles.

I've posted about Love in the past, and if it really exists. What is the feeling?  Here's some chemistry.

Lovers often claim that they feel as if they are being swept away. They're not mistaken; they are literally flooded by chemicals, research suggests. A meeting of eyes, a touch of hands or a whiff of scent sets off a flood that starts in the brain and races along the nerves and through the blood. The results are familiar: flushed skin, sweaty palms, heavy breathing. If love looks suspiciously like stress, the reason is simple: the chemical pathways are identical.

Above all, there is the sheer euphoria of falling in love--a not-so-surprising reaction, considering that many of the substances swamping the newly smitten are chemical cousins of amphetamines. They include dopamine, norepinephrine and especially phenylethylamine (PEA). Cole Porter knew what he was talking about when he wrote "I get a kick out of you." "Love is a natural high," observes Anthony Walsh, author of The Science of Love: Understanding Love and Its Effects on Mind and Body. "PEA gives you that silly smile that you flash at strangers. When we meet someone who is attractive to us, the whistle blows at the PEA factory."

But phenylethylamine highs don't last forever, a fact that lends support to arguments that passionate romantic love is short-lived. As with any amphetamine, the body builds up a tolerance to PEA; thus it takes more and more of the substance to produce love's special kick. After two to three years, the body simply can't crank up the needed amount of PEA. 

Interesting, eh?

Anyway, I don't have much more to say about that, I just wanted an excuse to post the article and that quote from it, and it ties into what I did want to write about.

I'm not in love at this point, but after being interested in Kay two months ago, and Malaya (no photo she'll allow me to post, sorry guys) for the past month, after not knowing any women I was interested in for um... years... I'm warming to the subject.

As for romance, it's a topic that's really been a surprise to me.  I find that I enjoy being romantic, and am pretty good at it, almost despite myself.

Past girlfriends I was much more pragmatic and so were they.  Well, not pragmatic exactly, but it was much more of a friendship that became sexual (at times).  We weren't flirting for a long time leading up to it, or meeting with initial designs on each other.  They were generally women I knew at school or work, and we would see each other daily or weekly for a while and get to know and like each other, and then eventually would start talking on the phone or we'd go out to get a snack and talk for a while after class. That sort of thing.  And we'd trade phone calls and go on some dates, and I felt some infatuation (see the Time articles linked above), but it would always fade after a couple/few weeks.  I'd still like them and enjoy talking to them, but the sexual/romantic desire would always go away.  And it seemed to be a relatively mutual thing, most of the time.  A couple of girls were sort of obsessive or clinging (which drives me nuts) and would keep calling and wanting to go out even after we had a terrible time on a date(s) and had obviously no chemistry.  Obvious to me anyway.

Malaya has been a real good friend for a month or so, but we're also ridiculously romantic and flirty, and I find that I really enjoy it.  Sending her little email notes when I find myself thinking about her, talking about what I'd like to do with her (sexually and non-sexually, the latter being much more traditionally "romantic" of course), sharing jokes and amusing websites, etc.

None of which is exactly Don Juan in action, but she seems to appreciate it and often comments on how much more thoughtful I am than any of her past boyfriends, not that I'm exactly a boyfriend yet being as we've never actually met face to face.  Emails and ICQs and long phone calls are something, but I don't think you can consider someone a boy/girlfriend without actually, you know, having seen them in the flesh.  And perhaps even given them a kiss or three.

What's surprising about this to me is that I've never given a thought to whether or not I was "romantic" and if I had given it a thought I would have said "no way" without really thinking about it any further than that. It's just not how I would have thought of myself, but now that I have the opportunity I find that I am, and I enjoy being.  Nothing that I am doing is just to impress her or seem sensitive or whatever. It's how I feel and how I want to act; nothing about it is artifice or exaggeration, and I'm not just saying that since she reads these updates. ;)

It's really pretty easy to be romantic, if you want to be.  Women like to know that you are thinking about them, that you miss them, and see you make some effort to thank them or appreciate them.  Bring a few flowers on a date, or a small present, call them just to say "hi", write them a little note, cook for them, touch them some time when you aren't trying to get laid.  I mentioned to Malaya at one point that I'd like to write her short notes, or a few lines in a card, and slip it into her purse or note book without her knowing it.  So during her work day she'd find it and have a nice surprise and know she was loved. (This is all in our hypothetical future living together state, you understand.) She about started crying at the concept, reflecting on how insensitive her (other) boyfriends have been, and how no one had ever done anything like that for her. I tell her how I want to wash her hair (she's got very long hair) and brush it for her, and give her a massage, and make her breakfast in bed, etc.  Nothing that seems all that major to me, and all stuff I really do want to do for her. She loves to hear it, and I like to tell her things that make her happy, so it's a nice mobius strip.

All women love to hear that sort of stuff.  Of course it helps if you are actually sincere about it, junior.

You don't need to buy them a diamond necklace, or fly them off to Paris for a weekend, or write them long poems.  Most women these days would find that all corny, or think you were trying to buy their affections, and unless they are the gold-digging type on Joe Millionaire, they'd probably be turned off by it.  No one likes bad poetry, no matter how smitten she might be, though she might at least appreciate the effort, if she could stop laughing at how you rhymed "swan-like neck" with "welfare check".  It's all about the thought and the effort and the consideration and care for her.  You can write like crap, but she'll appreciate that you thought about her and made the effort.  Women are generally the far more caring half of a heterosexual relationship, and they're usually making food or cleaning up or picking out a nice card or doing what the boyfriend wants to do.  Most guys just accept this as the natural order of things, and women put up with it, but aren't real overjoyed by it.  Or guys put up a decent show until they "get" her, and then lose all interest in anything other than sex.

I can't help but wonder now, having seen myself in action, so to speak, if I would have been this way all along.  I wasn't making any effort to date the last couple of years, but if I had been, would I have been like this and had a constant string of girlfriends?  Or met a special one and settled down by now? It's odd to consider. Malaya is always saying how she can't believe I'm not taken or how I haven't been getting laid constantly, since she thinks most any woman would love me.  Of course she's biased *he said, grinning* but I'll take her word for it.

It's almost tempting to get an online personal ad going and start writing to various women just to see how I'd do. And if I didn't have my heart (so to speak) set on Malaya, I probably would do so.  I'm very monogamous in mindset, and not just sexually, I mean that I don't want to be interested in two women at once.  I was always that way even back in my "getting laid regularly" college days, and I passed up numerous potential GFs when they'd show some interest and I'd give them a pass since I already had a girl I was interested in.

I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that I could be smooth with the ladies when it's all typing and writing that's the smoothness.  It's not as if I have a lack of things to say or difficulty writing, and I have some decent pictures for barter, so really, Internet dating is just about made for me.  It's free or nearly so, I can hide all the aspects of my life that aren't attractive to girls (like the lack of money and abundance of weird pets), and the main mode of communication is the keyboard, where I am an expert.

Funny that I only realize this now that I don't want to do it, since I already have a woman I'm involved with.  Sort of, I mean having not actually met each other, etc, etc.

And anyway, my track record this year, romantic skillz or not, is mixed.  Kay wrote me and was interested in me as a potential date and I was oblivious and turned her off with my negativism/honesty about the wrong things. Malaya wrote a month later with no intention of dating or interest at all, and with my libido recently awakened by my belated interest in Kay, I was very interested in Malaya, and I guess you could say that I pursued her and won her over.  Again inserting the "haven't actually met her yet" disclaimer.

March 22, 2003

Here's an interesting article that Malaya sent me the URL to.  The article discusses a new book by Sol Gordon, a psychologist and sex counselor. He talks about what love is, how to pick a partner, how you know when you are in love, what mature love means, and more.  I recommend reading the full article, it's not that long, and has a lot of really good info, if you are in a relationship or want to be in one, and especially if you've had a bunch that haven't been what you wanted.  You'll need to take a look in the mirror though, if you want to understand what at least part of the problem is.  I'm only quoting about 1/3 of the good info in it here.

Sol Gordon suggests that there are several reasons many people careen from one failed relationship to the next. And he says that people tend to make the same mistakes over and over again.

• They bring unrealistic expectations to a new relationship.
• They fail to take the time required to let a friendship develop first.
• They allow the early sexual-passionate stage of a relationship to rule them.
• They fall for a partner's energy before determining whether that partner can also be a caring and responsible person.
• They equate jealousy and abuse with love.
• They allow breakups to make them feel unworthy, and don't examine the reasons for the breakups.

The first three on this list are so exactly me, years ago.  And the whole list of six are almost exact descriptions of a couple of people I know now.  It's scary when you see your behavior broken down in such a neat bullet pointed list.

What should you look for in a potential partner?

Gordon suggests that before committing to a relationship, ask yourself early on, have you reasonably concluded that your intended:

• Can be trusted?
• Seems to love and respect you too?
• Would make a good parent, if that's part of the future scenario?
• Is loyal?
• Could be moody, and even have some problems, but is basically kind and compassionate?
• Can handle inevitable conflicts as they arise with maturity and considered action?
• Has control over his or her anger?

Well, that rules out 99% of the men on earth.  Sorry ladies.

There is good news though, since if you can be mature, and meet someone else who is, your resulting love can be an incredible experience.

• Both of you will experience high levels of energy for everything you want to do.
• Your work and important tasks will not be neglected.
• You feel kindly toward each other and almost everyone else in your sphere.
• You will discover your life's priorities.
• You are committed to working out your differences.

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