his page houses excerpts from blogs in which I ruminate about the human condition, social desires, and other things along those lines, all from my oddly solitude-preferring PoV.

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December 24, 2002

It's Xmas eve.

Well technically, I'm writing this at 5am, so it's the very early morning of Xmas eve.  But you know what I mean.  The time that's hard to describe is about 8pm on Christmas.  It's the evening of Christmas, but it's not Xmas eve.  So it's what, the Eve of Xmas?  Xmas evening?  Awkward, as I said.

I'm going over to my mom's tomorrow for the afternoon/evening to open gifties and have appetizers and dinner and socialize.  Several of her other friends are coming over at some point, and my stepsister is coming down from LA.  Maybe some other people that I don't know about at this point.

I'm looking forward to it.  Not looking forward to it like ebullient joy, but I'm not dreading it.  Dinner should be good, prezzie opening is fun, and the people there will be interesting.  But how about the people?  I'm not expecting to have a "good time".  I almost never do, when the good part isn't self-motivated.

I seldom derive pleasure from the presence of other humans.

I don't dislike it, much, and sometimes I enjoy being with other people. But generally it's just a way to pass the time, and it's seldom time passed more enjoyably than it would have been if I'd been alone and working on this or that.  Not that I dislike other people, it's just so so.  Usually.

For example, there are a number of guys I see at work who I'd call "friends", if only by the loosest definition of the term.  If I'm going to be at work I'd rather they were there than not there, and I enjoy talking while they are there, but I don't sit around before work wishing I were back, or eager for the next day to talk to them again. And I don't have any desire to spend time with them socially, away from work.

I like talking to some people online, but mostly in the context of some specific topic.  I've had friends in the past online who I loved to chat with, and I still talk to several people who were that way in the past, but in all cases we're just friendly now, chatting about this or that on occasion, but never a long one on one talk about anything serious.  Trading messages now, rather than long see it as you type it chats of the past when we were getting to know each other.

I enjoy/derive pleasure from spending time with both of my parents, but that's largely since almost every time I see either of them we're doing something I want to do.  Going out to dinner or seeing a movie or watching the Lakers or something of that nature.  It's more enjoyable doing that with one or the other of them than it would be doing it with a stranger, or by myself, but I seldom anticipate it with great delight.

Other than that, there isn't anyone.  In the past I've had friends who I enjoyed spending time with, girlfriends usually, current or former or future.  And I've had good friends online who I liked to talk to.  I still do have a lot of people I know online who I'd say are friends, but none of them do I sit around when they aren't online, wishing they would get online.  Unless I want to ask them something specific, or need a favor.  Since I'm an asshole, you see.

In other social activities... well actually there aren't any. I used to go out to an arcade pretty often, and was friends with most of the guys who worked there.  I'd often go over around 11pm, they'd close at midnight, and we'd hang around and have a pizza or candy and play stuff for free until 2am. I even went with one or another of the guys to a movie a few times, just since a movie was more fun with another person than solo.

Socially (I.E. not at work) I don't go anywhere or do anything I enjoy, other than dinner with one or the other of my parents from time to time.  And I enjoy that, but as I said earlier, it's not like I sit around looking forward to it all day.  In fact I'm often rushing out the door at the last minute, thinking how I'd really rather just sit here and have some Ramen and keep working on project X.

How is it when you overhear a conversation, say in a restaurant or at work or someone on their cell phone?  How often is anyone saying anything of any interest?

I'm defining "interest" pretty loosely, it could be telling a story about something funny/interesting in a captivating fashion, or talking about their thoughts or feelings on something, or whatever.  It doesn't have to be a story that would arrest viewers who caught it flipping channels; it can be anything even half-interesting.

In my experience, this never happens.

Most other people so seldom seem to have anything to say, other than just waiting their turn to talk while their boring conversation partner talks.  Then when they talk they are just as boring.

Yes, the signal to noise ratio is very low in most human interaction.  We spend most of the time talking about the weather or bitching about our bosses or the local sports team or your kids/parents.  All of those topics are generally quite boring, though anything can be interesting if you talk about it in an interesting way.  Putting in your own perspective or adding funny details or whatever.  Blogs are proof of that, a well-written one can make a trip to the store to buy detergent a fascinating read.  Poorly-written ones turn the most interesting news item into a mini-lecture you want to fast forward past.  Sometimes both on the same page.*cough*

But they seldom are, as presented via verbal intercourse.

Look at your own conversation at some point, objectively.  Hear what you are saying, what the other person is saying, and think if any of it would be interesting to an impartial observer.

What you are saying doesn't have to be interesting, to be interesting to the person you're talking to. That sounds like a contradiction, and it can be, but isn't necessarily.  In theory you are friendly with the person you are talking to.  Or even in love.  So you're more forgiving, plus you are interested in the person, and what they're saying or thinking.  It's not just some blabbing guest on a talk show, it's your mom/boyfriend/sister/wife, and you want to hear what they think.  So the boring conversation you overhear is your boring conversation if someone else overhears it.  But that doesn't mean you and the person you are talking to are necessarily bored by it.

That being said, there's nothing wrong with making it less (objectively) boring.  Which I try to do, most of the time.

I'm ridiculously fast in conversation, when I'm with it.  If I'm tired or distracted or whatever, then all bets are off and I'll probably be just as dumb as the next idiot.  But if I'm on, I'm very quick. Always thinking of the next thing to say, always thinking of a funny play on words or joke or additional info about the topic at hand.  The downside is that I'm often all over the place, and the person I'm talking to might just want to stick to one topic and get it settled. I'm trying to entertain, and they're not looking for that; they just want a nice, settled, "take turns telling what you did that day" sort of thing, while they eat.

I figure everyone I know should want to talk to me all the time.  I always have funny or interesting things to say, and enjoy hearing other people's PoVs and input as well.  I think about what I'm going to say before I say it, or as I'm saying it, sort of editing as I go, snipping for length and relevance, rewording for emphasis or humor, deleting if it seems pointless or off topic or boring.

This is introspective and also colossally immodest.  But since I realize that, it's okay.

Often in larger groups I say a lot less than one on one, since I'm weighing possible conversational salvos by what the group will think.  Not worrying about condemnation, but more like trying to figure if what I'm going to say will be interesting to everyone, if they'll all grasp the context, etc.

This is probably silly, since hardly anyone else seems to give a second of thought to their next comment; if they have anything to say that's in any way relevant to the subject, they're likely to say it, and unedited.  Often as other people talk, I'll play back their last few lines in my head, sort of automatically rearranging their words and thinking how it could have been funnier or more pithy or concise or informative.

I wish I could always do that to my own comments before they come out of my mouth, but usually I'm thinking and talking too quickly, especially if it's a one on one conversation.  So I'm falling into the empty chatter of pathos trap there myself.  And I usually realize it at the time, but often think to myself, "It's just a talk with my mom/dad/good friend, they don't care if I'm being fascinating."

I need to date some; I'm curious to see how I'd behave with a female stranger. I've never been on a blind date, or even a date with someone I just met.  It's always been someone I've known from school or work previously, and usually had several long phone conversations with.  Imagining the discussion face to face with a person I didn't know very well intrigues me. It would be like watching a movie starring me.

Something to blog about after the boring dinner and no kiss goodnight, anyway.

Every time I have a close friendship with a woman, sexual or not, we have awesome conversations about all sorts of things.  Quite often with her doing most of the talking, since I love to ask women about things from their perspective, or personal stuff about sex or emotions or experiences, since I like to hear the female take on stuff.  I really never have any interest in talking to other men in any depth or detail, unless it's about some specific topic.  I know how men are going to view events, and what their perspectives will be on things, and I'm not particularly interested in them. In practice this works out to me being happy to chatter on about virtually anything to a woman, even one I have no desire to impregnate. But if a man is going to talk, he'd better have something worth saying.

I wonder how much of that is due to me being heterosexual, and therefore naturally attracted to women, and therefore to their personalities?  If I wanted to screw guys, would I be fascinated with their opinions and thoughts on things, even if I didn't want to screw that particular guy?  Or would I still find women much more interesting?  I can't say, but since quite often I most enjoy talking about sexual issues with the women, I'd probably just not care much about talking to either gender, if I were gay.

I also realize that a lot of my "he/she is good to talk to" ratings are a measure of the other person's quality as a sounding board/audience.  There are a couple of guys that I really enjoy talking to at work, and I realize that those are the two guys who laugh the most at my jokes.  Everyone laughs at them most of the time, since I'm funny, most of the time.  But a couple of guys are guaranteed to laugh out loud.  They both generally have interesting things to say in return, so I'm not being completely self-absorbed.  Just mostly.

Another related issue is public vs. private behavior. Some people get very "up" for public things, and become hyper or fidgety or nervous, but also potentially a lot more interesting. Other people who might be fun and lively one on one have social phobias or are just shy, and sit there like a lump in a bigger event.

Others are not so easily-defined.  They're different in public vs. private, and I'm including with a large group of friends and friends of friends in the "public" definition, for the needs of this example.  Most stories I hear about people from big families include their difficulties in getting along with their parents or siblings or in-laws.  People dread going home for the holidays, having to put up with their annoying uncle or sister's husband, or their parents nagging them about getting a better job, or settling down with the right girl/boy. And when they are home, they behave very differently, probably talking less, or about things they'd never talk about with their friends.

I tend to be the same in most situations/circumstances, though as I said above I'm often quieter in larger groups, since I'm self-editing to avoid saying non-interesting things.  This generally just means that other people who aren't self-editing talk more, so perhaps my silence is lowering the overall conversational level, even if what I'm not saying is not being said for good reason.

Well, all set for a Merry Xmas now, huh?

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