his article collects funny drug-related stories that I've commented on in the daily blogs. I don't do any drugs myself, hardly even drink, and hate drunks and junkies, so you can pretty well predict my responses to most drug-related matters.

Or perhaps not, since I think almost everything should be decriminalized, just as an economic necessity.  We could take 1/10th the money we waste now on interdiction, border patrols, covert ops in cocaine/heroin-growing countries, courts, jails, etc, and spend it on treatment, job training, etc, and do far more for society than trying to lock up every loser with a crack habit.  If it were all legal use would fall off, treatment would be easy to attain, crime would drop enormously, jails would empty, and the violence would go away since prices would drop so much that the profit would be gone.  You don't see gang warfare and murder and smuggling for cigarettes and alcohol, now do you?

It would just need to be illegal for junkies to drive or do other dangerous things while on their drugs, just as it is for drunks now.  I don't think anyone should waste their time/lives using substances that alter their brain chemistry, but if they're going to do it in the privacy of their own homes or in special clubs designed for that sort of thing (like bars) then that's up to them.

Anyway, this page contains some more serious drug policy commentary, but mostly funny stories about junkies doing ridiculous things to try and get high, or ridiculous things once they are high.  Remember, it's funny when it's other people.

More recent stories are added on top of the page.

September 16, 2003

Amusing story about the horrible quality of marijuana the Canadian government is producing to sell to some very sick people for medical purposes.

OTTAWA (CP) - Some of the first patients to smoke Health Canada's government-approved marijuana say it's "disgusting" and want their money back.

"It's totally unsuitable for human consumption," said Jim Wakeford, 58, an AIDS patient in Gibsons, B.C. "It gave me a slight buzziness for about three to five minutes, and that was it. I got no other effect from it."

Barrie Dalley, a 52-year-old Toronto man who uses marijuana to combat the nausea associated with AIDS, said the Health Canada dope actually made him sick to his stomach. "I threw up," Dalley said Monday. "It made me nauseous because I had to use so much of it. It was so weak in potency that I really threw up."

Both men are returning their 30-gram bags, and Dalley is demanding his money back - $150 plus taxes. Wakeford is returning his unpaid bill for two of the bags with a letter of complaint.

 

He said the government cannabis was too finely ground up with stems and leaves, calling it "shwag" or "bunk," street terminology for the lowest grade of marijuana.

On the one hand, we don't really want the government knowing how to grow good pot or any other illegal substance; I mean why should they?  But on the other hand, it's pretty funny that something any Rastafarian can do in his closet is so beyond the abilities of very highly paid government employees.

The funny part is that there is an unbelievable amount of pot grown and smoked in Canada.  Mostly indoors via hydroponics, but outside in the summer when the permafrost melts as well.  People convinced it helps them with their sickness need it, and could get it just about anywhere, and it's hardly illegal in Canada. But they try to do the right thing and buy it from the government, and they basically get a bag of mulch.  One would think there would be tons of the stuff available from law enforcement seizures at the border...

January 14, 2003

Here's an article about a man soon to die a horrible death while in prison.

Deputies found Gibbs' car off Highway 71. The driver was asleep, but woke up at that time. Investigators said that Diehl was not able to tell deputies much information.

Deputies allegedly found drug paraphernalia in the front seat of the car and a brick of marijuana in the back seat, Moritz reported. After the car was impounded, deputies said that they discovered 100 pounds of pot worth almost $75,000.

So he's a drug runner, likely very low level, hired by some dealers to ferry their product.  He starts nibbling on a brick, falls asleep, and gets caught and loses them their whole shipment.  I don't imagine they'll be real forgiving of the fella. His death will be a real big loss to society, I'm sure.

January 9, 2003

Homeless drunks in Boston have taken to stealing or panhandling enough coin to buy mouthwash, which they drink as a substitute for more commonly-consumed alcoholic beverages.

It's a stiff brew with a sharp aftertaste. But unlike other cocktails, this one has a few distinct advantages - it's among the cheapest on the market, it's available anytime, any day, and in addition to freshening breath, according to manufacturers, it helps fight gingivitis.

In recent months, with more homeless on city streets, police say downtown convenience stores have seen a spate of thefts. The most stolen item: mouthwash. At $3.99 for a 50-ounce bottle, Listerine and similar brands pack a punch - with as much as 27 percent alcohol content, compared with about 12 percent for the typical bottle of wine. Another perk: drinking it is legal. Police can't arrest anyone for drinking mouthwash in public.

Just when you thought drinking couldn't get any cooler...

November 11, 2002

Clearly the kids in Scotland are just about the most fucked up in the civilized world.  Past news has dealt with epidemic heroin use and their habit of sniffing anything they can imagine giving a buzz, including melting plastic bus benches.  This new one is even dumber. The kids are now climbing street light poles to break open the ends of neon lights and try to inhale the gas that comes out.  This would be clever and somewhat innovative if it had any effect; neon is an inert gas with no "getting high" side effects, at least not in the amount you could hope to inhale from a broken light.

More than 100 Scottish youngsters died between 1990 and 1999, and thousands are placing their lives at risk by sniffing solvents in aerosol cans, glue, lighter fuel and other dangerous chemical solutions.

John McVey added: "We're extremely concerned - solvent abuse in Scotland is far worse than anywhere else in the UK. We've recently prepared special education packages to go out to every Scottish school to try to combat the problem."

Last month, youths in Edinburgh and West Lothian were found setting plastic wheelie bins alight in a bid to get high inhaling the fumes. Police were alerted after a spate of wheelie bin thefts. Vandals were also found setting fire to plastic bus shelters to inhale the fumes.

As I said last time, what the hell is wrong with Scotland?  Is life there so incredibly boring and tedious that anything can improve it?  I assume they can get beer and pot, but those aren't enough?  Go play Diablo II or something, you dirty little junkies. Just another reason no one under the age of 17 should be allowed out of their house, for any reason.

I shall attempt to make this a saying.  "You're more messed up than a Scottish teenager." or perhaps, "He was snorting like a Scottish runaway."

Yes, those both suck. I shall try to refine the humor to a more palatable state. The main stumbling block is the "Scottish teen" part, which takes way too long to say, and isn't a funny term.  Yet.

September 26, 2002

Apparently it's hard to get ahold of pot in Scotland.

YOUTHS are setting light to plastic bins and bus shelters in a desperate attempt to get high by inhaling the fumes. Charred holes have been discovered in plastic sheeting on bus shelters in West Lothian as a result of the dangerous craze.

Scotland currently has the highest solvent-related death rate in the UK. Experts say sniffing fumes from burning bus shelters and bins is the latest worrying craze as young addicts desperately search for new highs.

I don't usually recommend illegal drugs, but good lord.  Have you ever smelled burning plastic?  It's about the worst odor on earth.  I wouldn't care if it gave me a glowing 24 hour buzz, it can't be worth it.  Junkies are weird.

After that, we have this story about heroin being available for less than a pack of cigs, elsewhere in the UK.  You might get the idea that reporting on drug use is just about chasing after the most recent exploitive and amazing story, but put that out of your mind.  You may not analyze the media's behavior!

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