By this I am referring to personality traits or tendencies, not so much physical actions.  Someone murders six or seven people, I don't find it upsetting because I've been considering killing half a baker's dozen myself; I find it upsetting since it's a horrible action.

It's often easiest to see this with fictional characters, ones in books or movies or TV shows.  Think of a character you can not stand, but for indirect reasons.  I.E. not the main villain who you dislike and fear because they keep killing the good guys, but a good guy, or a main character who you dread seeing or reading about, for no clear reason.

My personal example is whiny, panicky, usually female characters.  The best example I can think of is Frannie, in Stephen King's The Stand.  She's one of the good guys, doesn't do anything especially annoying, but I just hated her so, when I read the book.  And read it again a few years later, and read it again in the 1900 page unexpurgated (unedited) version a few years after that.  Eventually I realized that what I so loathed about her was her whiny panicky hysteria.  She is forever falling down and biting her tongue and getting the giggles and getting the hic cups and crying about something or other.  I think her little personality quirks are meant to be endearing, but they only created a desire in me to see her marinated in honey and staked out over a fire ant hive.

Hate her hated her will always hate her.  Why couldn't she have gotten it in the bomb?  Or even before it got that far, why couldn't that fat fuck Francis have lost it and strangled her with his pudgy little sausage fingers? (Scary that names and details from a book I've not read in 8 or 10 years leap instantly to mind, while I can't name 90% of the guys I see at work every day.)

Frannie isn't the only character that bothers me like this; I've noticed it in other books and movies, none of which are popping into mind at the moment.

So that example given, what does that tell me about myself? I suppose that I need to be in control, or at least grasp for the illusion of it, and that when I see a character who is out of control, or unable to control their own actions/emotions, it drives me nuts.  I'm forever muttering at the book as I read, "Pull it together, you stupid bitch!"  Characters who are simply incompetent don't bother me like that, but something about her being so ditzy and blithely ignorant of her stupidity really sets me off.

How about another example?  Um... I'm thinking.  Another character I've long loathed is/was Carla on Cheers, the sitcom. I used to watch the show from time to time, and would often have to turn it off, or just try and ignore it, when she was onscreen.  Ugly, cruel, crude, mean, and just generally unredeeming.  She's not such a good example since she was meant to be hated, I think.  Or maybe was meant to be sympathized with by people who were similar assholes in real life.  At any rate, I absolutely loathed her, and if an episode looked to be about her, I would change the channel.  I assume I disliked her a lot more than most people did, so the question is, "Why?"

She reminded me of Sabrina, a woman I had to work with in the early 1990's.  Sabrina was the most annoying person I've ever known in real life.  Just a total bitch, for somewhat similar reasons to Carla.  Mean, insensitive, stupid, incompetent, etc. Having her as my direct semi-boss was always unpleasant.

As I think about it, I believe what most annoyed me about her, well them, was the ignorance and cruelty.  Both of them would be complete assholes for no apparent reason.  They were capricious and random and cruel.  You might try to get on their good side, and would think you had, and then suddenly they were insulting you, or trying to screw you over.  (Yes, I'm merging my real life experience with the events of a fictional character on a TV show.  Deal with it.)  I've dealt with lots of assholes in life, and seen lots of them as characters, and they don't annoy me the way Sabrina/Carla did.  Why not?  I think it was the unjustness and unpredictability of their behavior. Sabrina would tell us to do things that were idiotic and unproductive, and there was no reasoning with her.  You could never win the argument since she had no logic; she just decided to do things, perhaps based on her horoscope or a flip of a coin, and that's what she did.

So I guess for them it's mean + rude + unpredictable + irrational, with a heavy emphasis on the illogical aspect, that really annoyed me.

The reason I started writing this essay was both to have something to put on my site (this was the first blog I ever posted) but also since I had a real life example of another woman I was working with, who was driving me insane with her behavior.

While extremely annoying, she's not a real good example for this, since her behavior was driving everyone she worked with nuts, and we'd spend half of our time on ICQ talking about what a psycho she was.  The Frannie and Carla/Sabrina examples were people who others didn't necessarily find loathsome, but who really rubbed me the wrong way.

Anyway, the person who was so annoying me in early 2002 was a co-worker, and what she did was mostly fail to communicate.  I (and others) would message her things, trivial and critical, and just never hear back.  As I was working on things, I'd find myself muttering (to myself), "90% of my time is spent trying to find ways to get around the obstructions you create."  This was patently untrue, (it was no more than 50%) but it certainly felt good to think it when seething at some recent issue.

The thing that makes her mentionable here was that she'd been the same for the entire time I'd known her.  Over three years at the time I first wrote this essay, which seems like plenty of time to get used to someone's most annoying personality quirk, doesn't it?

I guess the problem was the inconsistency.  One week you could get answers to questions immediately, she'd chat, you'd have a nice talk, plan to work on something the next day, and then when you came back to work the next day... nothing.  Couldn't get her attention, couldn't advance with the project on your own, etc. The seemingly-random nature of her behavior was what kept it so annoying, I think.  If she'd always ignored most things, then working with her would have been impossible, or at least intolerable.  She was a good co-worker, just often enough to string me (and others) along, and then would just ignore all questions or comments about something for a few days or a week, throwing a huge monkey wrench into whatever project I was in the middle of.  Then when you finally got her to reply she'd seem utterly oblivious to your anger or frustration, as if she hadn't vanished for a week and ignored your increasingly furious attempts to communicate.

So I'll say it was the behavior + the attitude and lack of objectivity or apology afterwards that was what made her so maddening.  However she's not a good example for this since as I said, everyone who had to work with her had the same reaction at one time or another, and lots of people just quit since she was so difficult to deal with. 

I don't know why all the examples given here are women.  I usually get along with women better than with men; most of my closest friends/confidants have been female, and I've worked with more guys and read about more male characters over time, yet can't think of any that were just intensely annoying.

I remember thinking a Spanish teacher I had briefly (transferred from his class) in about 9th grade was a total bullshit artist and idiot, and can recall arguing with him several times in just a few days. He was much beloved, so it would be a good example, but I think the conflict was more about me being angry and 13, and it's a bit too long ago and too limited of a sample size to be a good example.  He was wildly-inappropriate though, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd been fired long ago.  First day of class he was telling stories about buying all this junk in Tijuana for ridiculously-cheap prices, and then started giving calculators and gold necklaces to students he liked or knew from other classes.  I think I made some comment about how off this was, and he was utterly perplexed that someone would object.  I was already annoyed at him since his was the only class I had several good friends in, we were all sitting together the first two days, and then with no warning he broke out the alphabetical seating chart which put me in the front corner, far out of communication range with my friends, who were all stuck right together in the back, where I'd been sitting initially.  And I was next to several people I didn't get along with, and right under the teacher's nose when he paced around in front of his desk.  So that prejudiced me against him right from the start, in typical early-teen "Everyone hates me." fashion.

There must be some other guys I've known over time that I couldn't stand for some odd reason, but I can't think of any now.

Unlike my memory, your task is clear.  Think of someone in RL or a fictional character that really pisses you off, and then try to figure out what it is about them that pushes your buttons, and why.  Once you figure out that you can try to overcome it, as you analyze why you are angry.

I'm not saying it's easy, though. I never really got to loathe Sabrina any less, though she matured and became less impossible to deal with over time.  Which meant she did something that drove me nuts just 2 or 3x a day, rather than constantly. I was overjoyed when she quit the job, and if I heard that she was returning now my bowels would clench with dread at the thought of having to deal with her obstacles, though I think I could deal with her better now than I did when we were both in our late teens.

My point, as the intro stated, is that a person that annoys you is a gift.  Of a sort.  Okay, it's a terrible gift, like when granny gives you underwear for Xmas.  But unlike Granny, you need to figure out this other person, and try to see what they are doing that makes you mad, and why it's so maddening.  You aren't likely to be able to change the other person, so if you'd rather not be perpetually angry and tense around them, you need to change yourself.

It will make you feel better to rail about what a fricking idiot they are, but that won't improve things.  Rant all you want, type out but never send long emails to them describing what a fucking idiot they are, beat on your mattress with a tennis racket or a fist.  Do whatever you need to do to calm yourself and get through the day.  Then when you are mellower, try and self-analyze and figure out what exactly you find so pissing, and see if you can change it.

The current day co-worker that drives everyone crazy is an example.  I eventually just gave up on ever trying to get an email reply.  If I sent an email I'd just do it as an FYI.  If she replied, it was a bonus.

I learned to be more self-reliant, and took more responsibility.  Instead of thinking about something that I'd maybe do, and trying to talk to her about it (trying unsuccessfully, as often as not) I'd instead just do it how I wanted it done.  I would also fight fire with fire, and ignore messages or emails I didn't want to reply to, and only communicate directly on ICQ or in a chat, and only about things that were absolutely critical. Yes, I was stooping to her level, so to speak, but it greatly lessened my stress.

This wasn't entirely successful, since she'd still often react inexplicably to something, say a large and completed project wasn't done right after not replying to 10 messages asking for feedback during the previous week, fail to do one small portion of some major thing I needed done, etc. But at least I wasn't sitting around all the time twiddling thumbs, waiting/wondering if I'd get a reply to a question, or some help with a small issue.

Sadly, the solution to dealing with most idiots is to just not let them bother you.  You can't change them, so you have to change yourself, or at least your expectations.  The most annoying people usually have no idea that what they are doing is annoying, and lack any ability to see themselves objectively, so you can't make any headway with honest dialogue.  You can point out their failings until your finger gets frostburn, but they'll generally remain totally oblivious.

A tragic aspect of life indeed.

This article was initially a lot shorter and less objective, though probably funnier.  This version of it is rewritten almost entirely, so go read the original if you are curious; it's more of a rant/comedy piece.  Not that it's especially funny, sadly enough.

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